|This article is complete, irredeemable conspiracy. The submitter is Bat Fuck Insane, appears at the Template:Body part, and is an unfunny dummy.|
If you attempt to , you will most shoddily burglarize Bat Fuck Insane yourself.
Or the submitter will burglarize your conspiracy!!!!!!
“That guy's kind of a tool.”
“I met him fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding of even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, of good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six year old child with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and the blackest eyes, the Devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized that what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... evil.”
“Doesn't Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys who likes to lay in a tub while other men pee on him?”
Fuck you. Go to hell!
“He gets me so wet that I slide off my car seat.”
“A modern day pundit with a mean, mean stride.”
“Okay ossif... offushi.. off-ish-er, I'll come quietly. And she's over fourteen...”
Rush "Ain't Rushin' Nowhere With Them Flabby Thighs" Limbaugh, also known as "The Original Dirty Ol' Fat Bastard", was born on January 12, 1951 as a conglomeration of the ignorance and general stupidity of the American people that had built up over the years. He was the voice of the Republican Party. His hobbies included exercising his 2nd Amendment rights by using school children as target practice, fucking dogs, and waiting in airport Men's bathrooms for hot gay sex from US Senators and random strangers.
The identity of his parents, if he was indeed 'born' in the traditional sense of the word, is unknown since he was found by a brother and sister from a trailer park floating down the Missouri river in a buoyant wicker basket filled with fried chicken and a bottle of Colt 45. After they found the baby Rusty (trombone) they decided to marry (the honorable thing to do when a man and woman acquire a baby – by whatever means). There is considerable evidence to support that Limbaugh is not a person so much as he is the human personification of various logical fallacies. However, currently no consensus has been reached in regards to this theory.
Rush was a DJ on Air America Radio, the worlds top rated christian music station. He was recently in a feud with Karl Rove. They were fighting over a ham and cheese sandwich. He was the "founding father" of the NAACP along with Don Imus. Rumors that he was turned down for military service due to having an anal cyst are not accurate, the military in fact classified his entire body as a giant anal cyst.
First Breakfast: Origins
“He's one of my best operatives.”
Rush Limbaugh's origins can be traced to the 9th plane of hell. The Dark Lord decided Limbaugh would be born as a human to facilitate the fruition of His fiendish plans, and had a retarded inbred cousin of the Old Ones impregnate a catatonic drug addict. This resulted in the death of Limbaugh's mother during childbirth due to his inordinately and monolithically massive pumpkin head. When questioned about this, he generally responds with "The world's better off without that worthless doping dirt-bag.", probably referring to her requests for painkillers to mitigate the excruciating pain of Rush's massive coconut tearing its way through her birth canal. He was sent to Earth as a personal favor to Satan in order to spread conservatism over the globe. One of the ways Limbaugh stays in good standing with the dark prince is by bringing him a box of illegal Havana cigars once a month, sometimes he tops his gifts with the sacrifice of a human child on Nooordddoor'Ga'th. The hypocrisy of ignoring the Cuban trade embargo may only be discussed on pain of eternal damnation.
Second Breakfast: Early life
When Limbaugh reached his teens he took over a post on a local radio station that had to be filled after the death of Pastor Richard Hedd. Limbaugh's first show was about the section of the Bible that forbids inbreeding. He threw a tirade and ended by taking a pair of tweezers and masturbating his little undersized penis to a picture of Ronald Reagan (who was still an actor at the time, but was already known as a conservative). He did so to prove a point, that a conservative masturbating to a man's picture is not gay, its only gay when a liberal does it. His same logic can be applied that disliking George Bush is being a traitor, but wanting Barack Obama to fail is something he regularly thinks and talks about.
In 1970,at the height of the Vietnam War Rush proudly served his country by cleaning floors and toilets at the McDonald's in Paducah, Kentuckistan. for 3 rubles an hour. He is remembered at that McDonald's mostly for promoting and giving the 39¢ Blow Job Tuesdays Special. He had a unique ability of cradling a man's ballsack on his many chins while sucking the cock into his esophagus. People came from miles around to see this feat performed. He fondly remembers those days and boasts about how other people his age at that time were PAYING money to go to college, while he EARNED money and didn't even have to attend college.
Brunch: Angelic nature
Limbaugh is noted for his gracious courtesy and tolerance to all white rednecks. He won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2000 for getting Bill Clinton out of office. He also received international acclaim in 1993 for calling Clinton's then 13 year old daughter a "dog". Calling a 13 year girl whom he'd never met a "dog" is a classic example of Rush's trademark charm, never again to be duplicated until Rush's inverse, Alec Baldwin, dumped on his own 11-year-old daughter in April 2007, calling her a "pig". Research shows, in fact, that most of the Clinton family are of canine origin.
Roast beef on rye with brown mustard: support of the American Troops
In January 2005, Limbaugh sent nearly 3000 jockstraps for the boys and 2500 wonder bras for the girls in Iraq. If that isn't support, I don't know what is! In gratitude, the troops gave Limbaugh a lifetime subscription to Weight Watchers. It is not known whether he has started using it or not. Recent implications, made by the American Health Board, suggest that Rush Limbaugh has in fact not even taken a single look at the Weight Watchers program's prospectus, as he was reported to be America's fattest illegal immigrant in broadcasting.
He once sung in a talent show and it went so bad that his mother just had to send him to audition for American Idol. That was at a time when Simon wasn't at all bitchy but when he heard him sing something just snapped. Now look at him.
Cole slaw and pickles: support of Freedom
Limbaugh supports freedom when it benefits himself. He came up with this idea five minutes after Howard Stern declared he supported censorship when it benefited himself.
Books Eaten.. I Mean Written by Limbuagh
- "Kill them all"
- "I like to eat, a lot"
- "Are You Going to Eat That, Rush's guide to Seconds"
- "How to lose weight (and gain it back)"
- "For the Last Time, Jabba the Hutt is Not my Father"
- "Drug Problems for dummies"
- "Projectile Lead Therapy for Kids"
- "Shit! I'm Stuck Again!: Ten Ways to Fit Your Fat Ass Through any Door"
- "How things ought to be, and if they are not, I will yell until they are!"
- "How I infected One Million Black Children with AIDS: And you can too"
- "Shh! 30 ways to cook Liberals (And eat them too!)"
- "Liberals are at it again: A Rush Limbaugh Memoir"
- "Diary of an Old Fat Man,"
- "Me Me Me I I I Me Me Me & Mine"
- "My First Sexual Encounter (With a woman)"
- "Help! I can't see my penis!, An autobiography"
- "Being a Fat, Dickless, Fearmongering, Ultra-Conservative Fearmongering Neo-Nazi Asshole Shitface For Complete Retards"
- "So What if I Haven't Seen My Willie in years. I have Bigger Tits Than Your Mom Does!!!, a Defense of the Obese Conservative Lifestyle"
- "Confessions: How I had sex with Ann Coulter, and ways to avoid doing it again"
- "Parkinsons, The fake disease"
- "The Way Drugs Should Be Sold"
Lunch: Restless Leg Syndrome
Rush had said that he found a clean source of energy. He said, "Get the people who have 'Restless Leg syndrome' to power the generators at all power plants. Limbaugh himself is known to suffer from the restless legs syndrome, resulting from a battle injury which he contracted through sexual intercourse with minors during the Vietnam war, spent by him exclusively in his Villa located in Los Angeles, North Mexico. For years, Limbaugh, had been doing extensive research as an attempt to establish whether he was a cripple or still useful to society, thus connecting his edified contemplations of creating a more efficient and clean source of energy with his research on finding benefits for the restless leg syndrome.
Limbaugh has on many occasions sampled young Brazilian boys. He has also tried medicine including DEMT, GB127, Viagra, and Friends of Bill Clinton (FOB). None of them had any noticeable effects, except the Viagra, which put him to sleep.
Afternoon Delight: Conservative Dry-Balls Syndrome
In 1999, Limbaugh was convinced by noted genius Mark Levin that he suffered from Conservative Dry-Balls Syndrome, and hastily agreed to receive "treatments" from Levin, often live on-air. Listeners to The Rush Limbaugh program are often treated to the aural evidence of Levin's oral ministrations.
More Snacks: Rush Limbaugh and illegal immigration
In the wake of the immense controversy created by the 2006 immigration debate, Premiere Radio Networks issued a statement declaring that they would continue to follow their conviction, despite applicable U.S. immigration and labor laws, that employing illegal immigrants was still "the right (and possibly most cost effective) thing to do in low-quality-brainwashing broadcasting business" and that Premiere Radio Networks will therefore continue to pollute the airwaves with the neo-conservative rants and raves of Rush Limbaugh a.k.a. Rodriguez Miguel Sanchez (his confirmed identity, est. 2001). Despite Sanchez's alleged hostility to all the bastard descendants of Ricky Ricardo, it is now a well known fact that he maintains pluralistic marriages throughout central America, and has fathered close to five thousand children, all of whom apparently know better than to cross the border into the United States, because "daddy might sell us to the Chinese". Rumours of a relationship with an Ecuadorian hermaphrodite have been crushed by his press agent, who insists that, "Mr. Limbaugh has never even visited Ecuador. He finds that the best hermaphrodites money can buy, congregate in Salvadorean hill villages".
Dinner: Handing Michael J. Fox his ass in 2006
In October 2006 Limbaugh courageously took a stance at Parkinson's victim Michael J. Fox. Fox, at the time, was deviously raising money for stem cell research to cure Parkinson's disease, and during a campaign commercial for stem cells, was inconsiderate enough to not control his disease, and instead continued shaking as he normally does. Satan's one true son Limbaugh proudly put Fox in his place by mocking his violent seizures, making jokes about his condition and broadcasting that on his web site. It was Rush's proudest moment in life.
In contrast the cowardly Fox did not have the guts to retaliate by reminding America that Rush was dangerously obese, had no college education, was deaf and had a broken penis. Oh wait, he DOESN'T have a penis. Sorry folks. Probably why he loves cockmeat sandwich so much.
Later that year Rush accidentally ate Fox during a hot dog eating contest.
It should be noted that "Fox" in the previous sentence refers to Michal J. Fox, not the news station. Rush did attempt to eat Fox News Network on April 7th, 1996, but station managers managed to direct him towards the NBC stations instead. The station managers were able to take him to NBC by slathering Al Sharpton in barbeque sauce and dangling him from a large metal pole as a lure.
Supper (also known as Seventhmeal): see also
- Howard Stern – without who-who-whom Rush Limbaugh would never exist
- Sean Hannity – world's biggest Rush Limbaugh brown-noser
- Matt Moore – illegitamate gay/bi-curious nephew of the paternal side of the Limbaugh family.
Post-Supper Supper: Worthless Trivia Worth It
- Rush Limbaugh gets an orgasm every time he refers to the Democrats as the "Democrat Party". As a result, Rush has to change his underwear about 500 times during the course of his show.
- Rush died in 2145 when the Republican party disbanded and had him assassinated before he could spill any more of their dirty secrets.
- Ding dong, Rush is deaf. Which old witch? That big fat wicked BITCH. Ding dong, Rush Limbaugh has gone deaf. I hope he can't hear himself and quit his radio program.
- Contrary to popular belief, Peter was not the first pope...Rush Limbaugh was
- Rush Limbaugh was the last known surviving ancestor of Jabba the Hut, and is known to roam the sands of Tatooine in his sail barge.
- Ha, ha. Just kidding. I just wanted to shake your soda.
- UnNews:Reid sells Limbaugh's Letter
- Rush Limbaugh Eats Everything
- Rush Limbaugh Pledges His Allegiance to the Führer
Explosion After Hypermorbid Obesity and Death
Limbaugh described himself as being "100 percent, totally fat." In 2001, he announced that he had lost most of his ability to diet : "I cannot resist pizza, fries, fried chicken and hamburgers – and it's happened in three months." He said that the condition was not serious. On December 19, 2001, doctors at the Hack and Slash Cosmetic Surgery in Tijuana, Mexico were asphyxiated when an attempt to excise fat went badly wrong and it cascaded over them, burying them beneath a monstrous fatburg.
When questioned whether Limbaugh's burgeoning obesity was caused by his addiction to junk food , his sacked dietician, Dr Flannery O'Flaherty, said that it was possible but that there is no way to know for sure without using an x-ray and that Limburgh's girth was now such that he blocked X-rays.
In 2005, Limbaugh got stuck in a door and had to be extricated using melted butter.
On December 30, 2009, while vacationing in Honolulu, Hawaii, Limbaugh was admitted to a local NASA facility because loose objects had started to orbit him.
On April 8, 2014, on his radio program, Limbaugh announced his decision to lobby for a redefinition of morbid obesity: "I'm not morbidly obese, I'm big boned" Limbaugh lied. Nobody believed him, but Donald Trump sympathised, as did William Shatner.
Limbaugh was diagnosed with hypermorbid obesity, the next step up from morbid obesity on January 20, 2020, after running amok and eating an entire herd of cattle. He had previously downplayed the link between eating and death from cardiovascular and respiratory failure , arguing that "I have, I have no self-control." He announced his diagnosis during his radio show on February 3. He advised he would miss airtime because he couldn't get through doors anymore and had to be lowered into the studio through its skylight , and that he would try to continue the program "as normally and competently" as he could under the circumstances of his ballooning belly. On October 20, 2020, Limbaugh announced that treatment hadn't reduced his weight problem , that an explosion might be imminent because the human body can only digest so much, and that he had been given a time frame on when he should expect to explode. In his final broadcast of 2020, he said "Ha ha.It hasn't happened yet!"
Limbaugh exploded on February 17, 2021. According to his doctor , his death was attributable to becoming so obese even black holes couldn't assimilate him. His burial caused massive land subsidences and earthquakes.