Russian Mafia

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The Russian mafia is the group of super-cool people who pull the strings behind all governments, not just Russia. Ironically, the Russian mob is cooler in foreign countries than in their home country. Go figure. While being initially started by high Swedish Russians, the Russian mob is now the leading force behind all conspiracy theories, and, mysteriously enough, the world's largest supplier of nuclear weapons.


Long ago, possibly in 1997, a ragtag group of crack-addicted Swedish Russians decided to figure out a way to make a ton of cash while stimutaneously doing absolutely nothing. So, they formed a committee called "NS of HLBSR in R", or "National Society of High, Lazy and Bored Sveevish Rawzhans in Russia", dedicated to the overall betterment of Swedish Russians and to support their $500 a day crack habit. Unfortunately, this group did little to help either cause, except sit around and get high. But one day, inspiration struck Ivan von Straffenov, one of the group's most important members. He had thought of a better way to smoke crack while doing a grizzly bear, which he called "69ing it". When the group went public with their idea it was an instant hit and thus everyone around the world was "69ing it." This of course made the members of the NSHLBSRR both famous and millionares, which, ironically, when combined, made them lesser-known billionares. and all of this information is full of it.

NSHLBSRR's instant popularity attracted the attention of the Russian Government, which offered money and support in exchange for the copyrights for 69ing. The NSHLBSRR agreed to the offer, and thus the Russian Government now had full rights for 69ing. However, since it is so damn poor, it could not give NSHLBSRR the 6 billion dollars NSHLBSRR originally asked for. Thus, the Swedish Russians got really pissed, so they paid Barney, a well known assasin, to pwn the Russian President with leet skillz. Two days later, Barney was found dead, lodged in the drain pipe leading to the president's bathroom which he tried to gain entry through.

Also many rivals are people such as Norte XIV.... FUCK da RU$$IAN MOB NORTE CONRTALA TOdo.... Due to the absence of the Russian Government's support and money, The Swedish Russians had to find a new way to make money so they bought out most of the world's nukes and sold them to third world countries. Unfortunately, this was also illegal, and so the NSHLBSRR said to itself "If selling nukes to third world countries is already illegal, then we should sell drugs too!" Thus, the organization began to engage in the drug trade. However, the members of the NSHLBSRR kept forgetting their really long name, so they changed it to CSRL, or "Criminal Sveevish Razhain's Leaga". This did not work became they still kept forgetting their name, and not all their members were Swedish Russians. So they changed the organization's name to "Russian Mafia", a shorter, uncreative title.

§_dont u just love people that make shit up_§

Distinguishing Mafia Members[edit]

While it's most likely that you'll be dead before you realize that sexy waitress, gardener, or taxi driver is really in the Russian mafia, though the russian mafia is totaly fake and can suck some American Gangster Balls, here are some helpful tips on recognizing mafia members before it's too late:

  • Is on crack
  • Wears an impossibly cool hat that you could never afford and/or imagine
  • Drives to work in an impossibly cool limo that you could never afford and/or imagine
  • Says "da" way too many times per sentence
  • Favorite colors are red and black
  • Carries both a hammer and a sickle
  • Goes on and on about the importance of 69ing it
  • Goes on and on about the importance of hats
  • Eats caviar
  • Kills you on the spot for making lame Yakov Smirnoff jokes
  • Kills you if you make stuff up about them

The Russian Mafia Today[edit]

Currently, as stated before, the Russian mafia owns the majority, if not all, of the world's nuclear weapons, and are known to sell them to everyone, thus cementing the illusion that other nations and organizations own them. Also, they have revived Barney, who is now used to impersonate Geroge Bush. Thus, the American Government, as well as the Russian, British and all other Governments, are owned by the Russian Mafia. They (i.e the members of the Russian mob) are the supreme rulers of the Earth and kill anyone who pisses them off, namely Kanye West, Tom Cruise, Bill Gates and any other big arse movie star/businessman who thinks they're king of the world. Donald Trump, this means YOU!!

To this day, members of the Russian Mafia continue to enjoy a life of mainly smoking crack and doing nothing. Some might question how they do this and rule the world, but no one cares, because those stupid enough to ask such a question are usually killed soon thereafter. Unless, of course, said noob were to come back as a [zombie]], because then you'd be in some deep shit. Not the Russian Mafia, of course, but you would be boned for sure..

§_dont u just love people that make shit up_§

For Futher Reading[edit]

  • I Stood up to the Mafia-and DIED!!, by everyone who has ever stood up to the mob
  • How to "69" it, by Ivan von Straffenov
  • A Beginer's Guide TO Joining the Mob, Barney
  • Memoirs in a Drainpipe, Barney
  • People Who Piss Us Off, The Russian Mafia