Russian carwash

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The Russian Carwash was first implemented by Ivan the Terrible, first Czar of Russia. It is believed by some to have been a tradition of the Sasquash and Inuits of Siberia and Manchuria. Ivan used the Russian Carwash as a torture device, after he saw it used by an Inuit on a Russian Soldier who was trying to block a Sasquash from killing Ivan. Ivan was so awed by this Carwash, that he soon took the Sasquash and the Iniut back to his palace to demonstrate upon more soldiers.

During his reign, Ivan only implemented this 'torture' device upon 34 men, 5 women, and 16 children, killing them all before information could be taken.

Thus, the Russian Carwash was born.

Soon forgotten during the Enlightenment Period and Catherine the Greats rule in Russia, the Carwash was revived in 1933 by Stalin. Stalin, who at this time was using the Great Purge to gain Soviet domincance in Russia, greatly admired Ivan the Terrible. He soon came to find out the secret of the Carwash upon reading sacred notes left by the Czar in his bedchamber.

Stalin immediately called for his Prime Minister, who at the time was on trial in the Moscow Trials for treason. Here is the resulting dialogue from the encounter:

Stalin: "Come here"
PM: "No"
Stalin: "Come here now"
PM: "No"
Stalin: (yelling) "Get over here!"
PM: "Fine"
Stalin: (again yelling) "Iegon Schploogon Hexton Octen Miegon Floooooooghooon!"

Here we can see Stalins use of the words "Iegon Schploogon Hexton Octen Miegon Floooooooghooon!" as a sort of call. What scholars have come to understand is this linguical miracle is actually primitive Sasquash, roughly translated into "Spread your legs Bitch, your about to get a Mother Fucking Russian Fucking Carwash!"

Once tried on the Prime Minister, Stalin began actively using the Russian Carwash as a killing/torture technique. Scholars also found that the Blitzkrieg, once believed to be "lightning war", is actually the German attempt at a Russian Carwash.

Soon after Stalins death, the Carwash was swept under the rug as a state secret, and only recently has been discovered thanks the Glasnost.

The Manuever[edit]

If the Russian Carwash is still a mystery after the enlightening History above, than let me tell you of the actual maneuvor.

The whole technique of the Carwash depends on one thing: saying the acient Sasquash call, "Iegon Schploogon Hexton Octen Miegon Floooooooghooon!" Once said, one can then commence the Carwash on the intended victim.

Firstly, one must tightly grip the buttcheeks of the said victim, and in one fluid stroke, pull both cheeks clean off, so as to expose the whole of the anus.

Secondly, the giver must then scrape the two foreteeth against the exposed anus.

Thirdly, as the scraping commences, the victim should begin bleeding out of their penis and/or vagina. This should inadvertently kill the person, though it is advisable to get any information out of the victim before they bleed to death.


The Russian Carwash had devastating effects. Not only did it decrease Stalins popularity among the noble and peasant classes in Russia, it also served Hitler a purpose in the concentration camps.

Through micro-technology and guessing, scholars have estimated the death toll of Carwash related 'accidents' to be in the 10's. Yes, the 10's. Around 90 people were affected by the Carwash since Ivan the terrible.

Sadly, the Carwash is making its way back into the Culture of Eastern Europe.

"Iegon Schploogon Hexton Octen Miegon Floooooooghooon!" ~ Stalin