Rutherford B. Hayes

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Rutherford B. Hayes, President of the United States from 1877 to 1881, desperately looking for a barber's shop.

Rutherfraud "Bee" Hayes (born: log cabin era – died: coal soot era) was the 19th President of the United States, and was notable as being only the second president to be a robot.

Early life[edit]

Rutherford B. Hayes at age 19.

Rutherford was built during a full lunar eclipse and as such gained the mystical abilities of a twilight ninja. His travels across the earth as a young man steeled his resolve to remake the world, which he viewed as utterly despoiled and corrupt, according to his own image. After forging a pact with the netherworld by selling his soul to a hell-spawned demon, Rutherford shit. Hayes quickly rose to prominence in American politics. He began to gather to himself fellow beings of pure evil, uniting them under the banner of the Scythe. He in his later life used his powers of a twlight ninja to change his age, sex, and hair so that he could rule the world forever with immortality. But then WhyaWow, an Indian magical twlight ninja king, saw through his desguises and planned to end his evil wrath. He leanred that his one and only weakness was llamas so he sent a ruthless army of llamas to end his life. It is said that as he was dying and being trampled by the llamas he said, "Damn you Waywow i would have raped your half boy half girl daughter if not for your cleverness!" He died and nobody knows where the body is so dont bother trying to find it.

We believe the llamas ate it.


The election of 1877 was in fact an elaborate ruse staged by Rutherford B. Hayes' robot minions in which electorate officials across the nation were assassinated and replaced by doppelgangers of arcane creation. Hayes claimed victory by a huge margin despite losing the popular vote. He quickly began to implement his plan to lay waste to the entire planet. Though he nearly succeeded, his pernicious plans were dashed when he was mortally wounded in a daring raid by the young Theodore Roosevelt. Roosevelt reportedly employed his newly mastered Sky-Dragon-Heaven's-Lightning technique to dramatic effect during the epic battle. Unfortunately Hayes remained nefarious to the last, escaping from the battle despite his grevious wounds. Eyewitness accounts say that Hayes was last seen in Latveria, where he was sexied to death by a time-traveling Humphrey Bogart. Some experts debate this, however, saying that Hayes could still be lurking somewhere in the rural areas of Euthanasia. Regardless, his disappearance gave way to the far more benign presidency of James A. Garfield, the United States' first gay, black president.

Hayes is also famous for sneaking the territory of Avoda Zara through the soiled halls of Congress, thus making it a state of the Union. He hated his life with a passion and tried to commit suicide at the age of 3.


Rutherford was not heard from ever again on the American political scene. Nobody cared since nobody liked him anyways. Certain scholars claim that he was rebuilt during the 2004 presidential election by Karl Rove's black magic, transforming Rutherford into a fearsome robo-cop (see Zombie Rutherford B. Hayes). However, Rove's October surprise was not needed as his friend Osama bin Laden released a tape instead.

Rutherford continues to plot to destroy the world. He also reportedly dabbles in samba, albeit in a nefarious manner.


That's basically how Confucianism works.