Rye

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Rye is a type of grain, and is a staple of the human diet.

Among its less interesting uses is as a source of flour, for use in marginally beneficial products such as bread, or large and vaguely phallic paper-maché sculptures made by fine art students. It is also often used as fodder to fatten livestock, so they may in turn fatten you.

However, rye's most valuable application is in the production of liquor, including rye beer, whiskey, and vodka. It is in this form that, as a social lubricant, rye is truly able to promote the happiness, welfare, and propagation of the human species, to the fullest extent allowed by law.

Ingested in medium to large quantities, rye liquor can provide a number of beneficial enhancements that lower inhibitions, assist in the removal of underwear, and generally demolish other irritating impediments to fervid, tawdry, wall-to-wall intercourse.

Progressive Effects of Rye Liquor
BAC (%) Symptoms Examples of benefits
0.03–0.059
  • Mild euphoria
  • Sense of well-being
  • Relaxation
  • Talkativeness
  • You're smarter, funnier, and better looking.
  • Ability to leap over tall ants with a single bound.
0.06–0.10
  • Disinhibition
  • Extroversion
  • Yearn for Sexual Pleasure
  • You're a genius, hilarious, and a model.
  • Q: Who wouldn't want to do you? A: Nobody.
0.11–0.20
  • Heightened Expression
  • Emotional Swings
  • Boisterousness

All the improvements as above, plus:

  • Ability to communicate your inner feelings, loudly and repeatedly to total strangers. (Your therapist didn't accomplish this after years of trying.)
  • Dramatic improvements in dancing ability, striptease.
  • Super elastic limbs, like that guy from the Fantastic Four.
0.21–0.29
  • Trance-like State

As above, plus:

  • Memory Blackout - No embarrassing, potentially harmful recollection of streaking to Subway or having a gangbang that passing fire department brigade on the front lawn.
0.30–0.39
  • Surrealistic perception

Everything, plus:

  • Can paint like Dali.
  • Can sing like Susan Boyle.
  • Can fly like the Wright Brothers, but without need of a plane.

It is because of these, and other considerations that biologists rank rye third on the list of requisites to human life, ranking above food, but below water and oxygen.