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Deputy First Minister Nicola "Zira" Sturgeon

“C’Mon Alex, give me more policies, I want to imitate your bad ones and petulantly refute your good ones”

~ Gordon Brown on SNP

“Wash your hands after touching that raw chicken my dear, otherwise you might catch Salmondella”

~ Delia Smith on sensible kitchen hygiene

The SNP (Stupid National Pandas) is a group of brutal tyrants that currently shares the rule with London over Scotland, they were founded in 1938 and temporarily deposed in 1942 and reinstated in 1950, the current dominant male is Mel Gibson.

To the right is a picture of Nichola Sturgeon cooing as she realises that she has worn a completely inappropriate lego hair piece to a television interview. Silly sturgeon.

Current Status and History[edit]

Pàrtaidh Nàiseanta na h-Alba is a political party within Scotland that is determined to strip this part of the United Kingdom of all finances, power and dignity, by rendering it independent. Before they can achieve this, they aim to pander to the populace with ostensibly attractive measures such as removing bridge tolls, although all that this actually achieves is to further impoverish the Scotish executive (which they insist on describing as a "government"). Their leader, First Minister, twat and former Mr Universe model Alex "Fat Wanker" Salmond is devoted to the thought of an independent Scotland and can't wait to move into Balmoral Castle if the Queen finally gets evicted out of Deeside. When the SNP came into being, they intended to make Scotland even more useless in the world. The SNP is also completely useless as it has no authority outside of BBC interviews.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about SNP.

SNP members regularly laugh, laugh, and laugh at the piss-poor snagglepuss-voiced antics of sucker-faced Wendy Alexander and that rancid boot Cathy 'ratmincentatties' Jamieson

On the 3rd May 2007, the SNP were managed to talk people in to thinking that they were not in fact total twats and a political piss take. The illusion lasted 28 hours. After the pricks won the election by one seat, by a margin of 500 votes as long as you don't include the 1500 Labour votes which Alex Salmond ate, to satiate his enormous apetite, then set about building a coalition. Unfortunately everyone hates them. Yes even the LibDems hate them; the Lib Dems don't even hate junkies and they hate the SNP.

If they become independent Salmond will make sure that every one should be fat bastards just like himself. He also intends to run around the streets of Edinburgh and hug and kiss everyone within reach, bollock naked. Then Scotland will re-name September as Salmondtember.

Current short term aims of the SNP include:

  • Bringing the 2012 Inverness Highland Games to Scotland;
  • The one-off re-establishment of the death penalty for Ian Gray;
  • Assembling a team of international meteorologists to somehow reshape the clouds over Scotland into a St Andrew's cross (mainly to remind John Swinney where he is);
  • Free Scotch pies for the elderly in winter, and for Alex Salmond all year round.

About the Party[edit]

The SNP controls 2 of the 7.5 seats within the Scottish Parliament in Holyrood, Edinburgh and was founded at the Battle of Bannockburn near Stirling in 1314 when a couple of guys at the back of the infantry had finished playing their game of cards and finally put the whisky decanter down.

Nowadays, the party has grown into a crack political team consisting of Alex "Fat Boab" Salmond, John 'Hen Broon' Swinney and Nicola "Jimmy Krankie" Sturgeon who like to piss and moan at anything Labour suggest or Jack McConnell says.

Little is it known that the SNP currently run Scotland seeing as Scotland is run using the following:

  • 1) SNP make suggestion.
  • 2) Labour laugh at SNP and talk about how crap their idea is.
  • 3) Other parties laugh at SNP and talk about how crap their idea is.
  • 4) SNP go round Holyrood offices begging other political parties to help put their idea through.

The Leader[edit]

Laird Protector of Caledonia and Keeper of the Sacred Thistle Alex Salmond

The leader of this rag-tag band of morons is a strange man called Eck the Fish. Some take pity on the fat man- his inability to answer questions has lead to suggestions he is deaf, or perhaps stupid. Others with a reasonable amount of IQ realize that Unionists Jack McConnell, Annabel 'Jabba' Golding are much better. The SNP is a piss-your-vote-away party.

The name of "Salmond" is no coincidence. It is not well known, but Alex was actually the result of a breeding experiment gone badly wrong. Scientists tried to breed Sean Connery with a salmon, hoping to create a super-espionage fish to spy on the Russians with. However, the experiment backfired and the opposite happened. Instead of a super-fish, what we got was a man with a distinctly salmon-like face. This could also explain his obesity, but the most people think he just eats way too many custard pies, mince pies, sausage suppers, black pudding suppers and strawberry tarts.

Obesity is no coincedence as Alex is usually found touring the Indian curry houses throughout Scotland whilst drawing love hearts and writing "A.S. loves S.T." on the pages of his Racing Post newspaper each day in in typically schoolboy admiration to musician Sandi Thom. Sean Connery is said to be deeply saddened and extremely broken hearted that Alex has cooled his romantic links with him now Sandi Thom has come on the scene. Alex always remains upbeat saying Sean shouldn't feel too sad and lonely as he'll never, ever forget his first real crush and still has a poster of Sean up in his office.

Alex is well known to be available for a photo opportunity whenever one should arise. He was photographed astride a bicycle decked out in saltire spandex and holding a saltire flag above his head as someone recently passed him on the steps of Hollyrood and shouted the words "Hoy you ya bam!" Mr Salmond took this to mean that he had just been mistaken for superfit gold medalist Chris Hoy and now eats a well known breakfast cereal to be just like Chris.

SNP Policy's[edit]

Lets go rape some families!
  • Rebuild Hadrian's Wall... and make it taller.
  • It's Scotland's oil, let's burn it.
  • Complete outlawing of cricket or anything resembling it.
  • Burrow lots of money and then go independent so as not to pay it back, also called "the-one-night-stand" policy.
  • Make sure Scotland continue their tradition of not reaching major international football events.
  • Ban Morris Dancers in Scotland.
  • Ban all Alcohol not made in Scotland, expect Irish Whiskey. So no more Buckfast.
  • Full acknowledgement that Scotland invented the chair.
  • Make shortbread and whisky the staple diet of primary school children.
  • Open as many donut shops across Scotland and name them after their chief donut McSalmonds.
  • Have every female over the age of 16 wear tweed skirts and size two granny shoes as homage to Nicola Sturgeon.
  • Have Alex Salmond pick the Scotland football & rugby squads for major competitions.
  • Have every well represented person in Scotland bankrupt while the SNP use their money to pay for the wasters, ie Alex (Fish Face) Salmond.
  • Have everyone eat pies so Alex Salmond dosn't feel large
  • Turn Scotland into one big Braveheart themed funpark.
  • Monopolise the worlds mince pie outlets and have one overall outlet based at Bute House.
  • Claim all people throughout the world who have ever achieved anything of note to have Scots blood in them.
  • Remake a Scottish version of every Laurel & Hardy film which will star himself as Oliver Hardy and Nicola Sturgeon as Stan Laurel.
  • Replace the "welcome to Scotland" sign at the border between Scotland & England with one saying "Jings crivens yer noo in Scotland ye ken, aye braw Scotland ken"
  • Kidnapping Britney Spears and making her queen of Scotland and declaring Scotland a Communist country.
  • Make it law that every Scottish male has to wear a glengarry hat with an 18" feather or face deportation.
  • Airbrush images of the Monarchy from photos & replace with images of William Wallace. (Falkirk SNP were chosen to oversee this policy)
  • Make it illegal to be sober after 6pm.
  • A 5 year prison sentence for anyone found preserving the peace.
  • Make sure that all Scots speak with such an accent no one else in the world can understand them.

The Opposition[edit]

The SNP's constantly impeded progress has been attributed by historians to whom the SNP have to share a parliament with.

Scottish Labour: Right Wing Nut jobs (who still like to pretend they support the working man) that are scared of anything that will upset their masters in London.

The Liberal Democrats: Up until 2007, this party was scared of upsetting their Masters in Scottish Labour, which was until they realised it was actually bad for their image to be seen with frothing lunatics.

Conservatives (Tories): Want to "conserve" Scotland so much they want to rename it "North England".

Scottish Green: Their hearts are in the right place, at least.

The BBC[edit]

The BBC hate the SNP with a vengeance, and its employees have been known to sacrifice children and create life-like Alex Salmond voodoo dolls to fend off anything remotely Pro-Scotland. The one who is only referred to as the "ginger" one has been known to leap from her chair in anger and rip the eyes from SNP MSPs during interviews, other lowly minions tend to snap at SNP MSPs and in general seem very aggravated by their presence.

The BBC's hatred of the SNP can be summed up in their hatred of Scotland in general, they treat Scotland as if it was Glasgow, in which they only ever air murder and football on the TV to keep the neds subdued.

Recently the BBC were threatened with legal action by the SNP when they refused to screen a full weekend of "sheep watch". The SNP argued that every Scot should learn all about the sheep as it's their national animal. Rumours that a full weekend of "dry stane dyking for beginners" was postponed until further notice, due to a supposed legal dispute, are yet to be confirmed.

See also[edit]