Saddam's Trial

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"That Saddam, he was crap in bed"

~ Oscar Wilde on One Night in Saddam

"I can see the crabs from here!"

~ Iraqi Judge on LSD

The trial of arch-infector Saddam Hussein, of Iraq and I'm a Kurd, Get me out of here fame, for the crime of allegedly possessing huge stockpiles of STDs, is currently being held by the 'ISTDC' (Iraq Sexually Transmitted Disease Clinic) in Baghdad.

The Setting[edit]

Judges suffer from intense crotch chafing during the trial.

The Clinic where the trial takes place is located within Iraq's potential safe ‘Baghdad Green Zone' this area, heavily patrolled by US STD spotters is reputed to be almost free from STD fear. The trial building is reputed to have 3 layers of security to stop any potential STD attacks against the former leader. Stationed on all 4 corners of the building are US marshals in STD-warfare suits ready to shoot and shoot again and fire whole clips into the still warm corpses of anyone who looks like they could be trying to disrupt the trial. The US has been quiet on the matter but it is rumoured that they have sterilized entire districts after people looked at them 'oddly'.


STDs have been a cause of much controversy since they were first used by the CIA to try to eliminate black people in 1902. The infamous Cuban STD crisis, where Fidel Castro received numerous STDs from Gorbachev during a weekend retreat in Russia is thought to be the most well known disaster involving STDs.

Inside the Courtroom[edit]

Due to the risk that Saddam could, in a last ditch attempt to avoid sentencing, release a cloud of airborne 'bad AIDS' at the judges from a secret rectal cavity; all members of the court wear full STD-hazard suits while in session. This has proved to be an inconvenience as hearing is reduced and there have been cases of selective hearing among the journalists present resulting in the front page of the Sun proclaiming Judges too Stoned to Carry On and Saddam takes part in Rampant Orgy With Jury. In reaction to this the US banned all Journalists from Iraq proclaiming that any remaining would be brutally sodomized (shouldn't that be "saddamised? - Ed.) with the end of a rifle some have said this is slightly over the top.

The Charges[edit]

  • Infecting 140 men with Ghonorrea in the mostly Shia town of Dujail after a failed attempt to slip a condom into his morning drink of yellow semen.
  • Infecting over 2000 Kurds with AIDS during the 1st Arse Injected Death Syndrome War during which he personally authorised the use of stockpiles of AIDS which had the potential to trigger an apocalyptic war where Gods clash and the heavens would have been split open raining fire and destruction across the world, of course no one gave a fuck at the time.
  • Committing Saddamy with the above mentioned 140 men.


The actual significance of this escaped everyone present and it is widely accepted that everyone thought it so funny that Saddam believed the 'lord of the rings' to be the Koran that they just didn't want to tell him


The outcome of the trial is uncertain as it degraded into the jury and judges exchanging stories about their worst experiences the favourite was told by Gary Lineker, a story about how when he was bating naked in the communal pool after a football match he was horrified to find a turd floating across the water towards him. naturally he and everyone else exited the pool quickly. He didn't diverge who took a crap in the water although it is suspected that it just popped out after an extensive buggery session.

There is still the risk that remnants of the Iraqi Transmission Agency may try to spread an airborne STD launched by either a modified Kitten Kannon or firework rocket at US targets in retaliation for US soldiers giving so many Iraqi Whores the Clap

See also[edit]