Sailor Moon

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This is Sailor Moon. You shall be in awe by her hawtness supreme! Resistance is futile!
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Sailor Moon (ブッカケビックリ) a popular member of the mystical defense force that protects the entire nation of Earth. Her exploits as a fighter for good,HERO of all humankind. Without this scantily-clad teenager's services for the good of humanity, Earth would probably not be nearly as nice. Actually, Sailor Moon is only one of many different females who are named for the various astronomical bodies in our solar system who rip off the Ginyu Force, whoever they are. 12 women are named for the planets, while the other 2 million are named after every comet, asteroid, and moon. Each Sailor is named after said planetary body. For example: Sailor Moon (the Moon), Sailor Mercury (Mercury), Sailor Venus (Venus), Sailor Mars (Mars), Sailor Jupiter (Jupiter), Sailor Saturn (Saturn), Sailor Uranus (Uranus), Sailor Neptune (Neptune) and Sailor Galaxia(GX-42356) (after the newly discovered Moon orbiting Earth). Their mission is simple: defeat the Dark Kingdom, Pharaoh 69, Shadow Galactica,

Sailor Moon, known as Bishōjo Senshi Sailor Moon (美少女戦士セーラームーン, Bishōjo Senshi Sērā Mūn?, officially translated Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon)[1] in Japan, is a media franchise created by mangaka Naoko Takeuchi. Fred Patten credits Takeuchi with popularizing the concept of a sentai ("team") of magical girls,[2][3] and Paul Gravett credits the series with "revitalizing" the magical-girl genre itself.[4] Sailor Moon redefined the magical-girl genre, as previous magical girls did not use their powers to fight evil, but this has become one of the standard archetypes of the genre.[5]

The story of the various metaseries revolves around the reincarnated defenders of a kingdom that once spanned the solar system, and around the evil forces that they battle. The major characters—the Sailor Senshi (literally "Sailor Soldiers"; frequently called "Sailor Scouts" in many Western versions), teenage girls—can transform into heroines named for the moon and planets (Sailor Moon, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, etc.). The use of "Sailor" comes from a style of girls' school uniform popular in Japan, the sērā fuku ("sailor outfit"), on which Takeuchi modeled the Sailor Senshi's uniforms. The elements of fantasy in the series are heavily symbolic and often based on mythology.

Sailor Moon Episode Guide[edit]

The origin of Sailor Moon, maybe. Note the tiny insert of Padme Amidala and two Gungans in the upper right corner.

Seeing as all the episodes, or at least all the ones people are willing to watch are all the same, this will pretty much sum up most of it. In each episode, the Rabbit cries about something. Out of nowhere, a monster thing appears, and tries to destroy pretty much everything. The Rabbit some more, then the talking cat tells her to transform. She goes through a transformation sequence, which leaves her vulnerable for about a minute, but due to no one caring and poor AI, the monsters don't bother to attack. Then the monster slams around its tentacles (all Japanese monsters need tentacles) and out of nowhere Tuxedo Mask (no relation to the sex position of the same name) appears and throws a rose to make the monster grow to giant sizes. Sailor Moon throws her tiara and yells "Moon Tiara action" and destroys the monster in one hit. End Episode. Oh yeah, and maybe some of the other Sailor Soldiers show up, but we all know that they're totally useless. The protagonist of Sailor Moon, Usagi Tsukino, an ordinary ditzy middle-school girl- or so she thinks- discovers a talking cat named Luna, who reveals Usagi's identity as "Sailor Moon," a special warrior with the destiny of saving the planet Earth, and later the entire galaxy. Usagi, who is the reincarnation of the Moon Princess, must now protect Earth from a series of villains, beginning with the Dark Kingdom that had appeared once before, long ago, and destroyed the kingdom of the moon.

The characters in Sailor Moon awaken members of the court of the kingdom of the moon, and the people dedicated to protecting it; when the dark nemesis attacked the kingdom, the Queen sent the Moon Princess, her guardians and advisors, and her true love into the future to be reborn. As Usagi and Luna battle evil and search for the Moon Princess, they meet the other Sailor Senshi, incarnations of the Moon Princess' protectors, and the mysterious Tuxedo Mask.

As the series progresses, Usagi and her friends learn more and more about the enemies they face and the evil force that directs them. The characters' pasts are mysterious and hidden even to them, and much of the early series is devoted to discovering their true identities and pasts. Luna, who teaches and guides the Sailor Senshi, doesn't know everything about their histories either, and the Senshi eventually learn that Usagi is the real Moon Princess. The Moon Princess' mother had her reborn as a Sailor Senshi to protect her. Gradually Usagi discovers the truth about her own past life, her destined true love, and the possibilities for the future of the Solar System.

The plot spans five major story arcs, each of them represented in both the manga and anime, usually under different names:

the Dark Kingdom arc (Sailor Moon) the Black Moon arc (Sailor Moon R) the Mugen/Infinity arc (Sailor Moon S) the Dream arc (Sailor Moon SuperS) the Stars arc (Sailor Moon Sailor Stars) The anime added an additional minor arc at the start of the second series, and spent the first few episodes of Sailor Stars wrapping up the plot from the previous series. Taking place before the manga timeline, its sister series Codename: Sailor V tells the story of Sailor V, Minako Aino and her adventures during the year before Sailor Moon itself starts. Many characters from Codename: Sailor V return in Sailor Moon, including Sailor V herself (under the name "Sailor Venus"). Four extra storylines were present for the Sailor Moon Musical series, an extension of the Stars arc in which Sailor Galaxia and Queen Beryl teamed up. A story in which the Sailor Senshi are tricked into going to an island resort which turns out to be an uninhabitant and really just a trap. A plotless story where some random Egyptian man demanded The Silver Crystal and a long convulsed four musical series which was a mix of Jewish Mythology, vampires, historic serial killers and overthrowing God.

The Sailor Soldiers[edit]

See also: List of minor Sailor Moon characters
Sailor Mars
A sexy pyromaniac who likes to burn everything. She used to work in a paper factory, but after it burned down mysteriously, she lost her job. She is a pyro, because she is psychic. The fire tells her things of upcoming dooms, but really we mean Sailor Mars is a schizophrenic who creates the very dooms she has visions of. She currently lives with her perverted grandfather and that is beyond creepy. She frequently bitch slaps Sailor Moon because of the constant whining and crying, and if the crying wasn't put to a stop the rivers would overflow. If the rivers overflow then it would knock out the very balance on earth that the sailor scouts try to achieve. Sometimes you wonder why the fuck there isn't a Sailor Earth, if she did exist their would be no need to have a story. After pissing off the other Sailors she worked at the laundrette on Eastenders, until she overthrew Teto and Shirley (burning Lelouch's body in the process) and took over Makedonia. Sailor Mars didn't just burn paper: Sailor Mars burned cities, not surprising as Sailor Mars built an empire comprising of territories of most of Alexandros' (and that of his reincarnate) empire. It is surprising why Sailor Mars wasn't kicked out, although it is quite easy to understand why, since the other Sailor Scouts wouldn't want to be BURNINATED by Sailor Mars (or by her left-hand dragon TROGDOR, now replaced by Thoukydides) or be kicked down the well by her right-hand general Parmenion. In fact, LotR fans mistake Sailor Mars for Saruman, considering the fact that Sailor Mars maintain a huge furnace complex to keep the planet warm and to forge weapons with.
Sailor Mercury
Smartest person in the universe when it comes to math and shit. She is the first human who knew that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father. Surprising eh? Has the power of water and ice because the Japanese name for Mercury is "water planet", a fine name for a desiccated ball of scalding rock that tells you everything you need to know about pre-19th Century humans (and her attack is frikkin' useless, by the way). She is a hacker with l33t skillz, and can beat anyone in the Spring Olympics. Once had her own show on The Discovery Channel. She had the guts to start a fight with Tuxedo Mask which she would have won if she had a good attack and not one that just makes fog.
Sailor Jupiter
Strong, tall girl with a lot of "talent". And of course when we say "talent" we mean "boobs," and when we say "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBIEZ" we mean "knockers," and when we say "knockers" we of course mean "boobs". And she has the biggest of all. Despite being the physically strongest one, she's near useless because she's always the first one to get knocked out. She had auditioned for the role of "Sabrina" in Charlie's Angels, but lost out to Kate Jackson... you know, the "smart" one. In the early episodes, she was a tomboy punk with eyes of steel... to later on become a gardener, opening up even MORE opportunities to make colorful metaphors about flowers. She's a karate loon so she can beat up all the other whores on the show except for lesbo Sailor Uranus who once kicked her ass. But it's all good in tha hood. She got her back later by pretending to go lesbo, and in mid 69, shoved a screwdriver up her ass. Sailor Jupiter once smacked Sailor Mars and a few episodes later did it again only that time by 'accident'.
Sailor Venus
Or Sailor Moon's clone. Created by God, or Buddah, or WHOEVER THE HELL IT WAS!, she is kind of a slut, but aren't all the sailor scouts? With their breasts hanging out and showing, she meant to stop all wars including Japan's civil samurai war, but failed like a dumbass. However, Sailor Venus killed evil celebrities like the Jonas Brothers and that bimbo Hannah Montana. Venus Is also famous for messing up quotes, like saying "Give me some sugar, baby" when she meant to say "Hi, how are you?". Unlike the other sailor soldiers who are under the comand of a bitchy black cat named Luna, Sailor Venus takes orders from a male white cat who is actually her pimp. She got into a fight with a policewoman who stole her English boyfriend.
Sailor Mini-moon (Chibiusa)
Freakish hells-pawn of Sailor Moon and the Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future, Sole super-power: able to make Scrappy-Doo raised to the power of Jar-Jar Binks look like a good choice by comparison, largely because exposure to her kills the brain cells needed to kill yourself in order to avoid ever seeing her again (whilst leaving the ones that scream in her presence---all the other ones---intact. And the part you used to sin burns hottest.) She is regularly alleged to be an alernate-dimension version of young Hillary Clinton.
Sailor Pluto
Recently lost her license to be a Planet Soldier and got kicked out of the Sailor Soldiers because, if they let her in, they would also have to let in Sailor Haumea, Sailor Makemake & Sailor Eris (not to mention Sailor Ceto, Sailor Rhadamanthus, Sailor Orcus, Sailor Huya, Sailor Ixion, Sailor Logos, Sailor Deucalion, Sailor Borasisi, Sailor Quaoar, Sailor Varuna, Sailor Teharonhiawako & Sailor Sedna) and they didn't like them. Those two were total bitches, really, and they couldn't fight for you. But Sailor Moon didn't want to piss them off by saying "No! You guys can't join the group because we don't like you!", so she came up with some convoluted explanation involving their height and weight and whether their breasts were gravitationally bound into a sphere and as it turned out, they had to kick out Sailor Pluto too. She was quite pissed about it, and justifiably so. She is the oldest (haha) so she could probably beat up all the others except for dykon Sailor Uranus and karate freak Sailor Jupiter. Note: The writer of this section has apparently has never been born. It is assumed that Sailor Pluto's time gate may be involved. How this and the archivist's erasure from history is not entirely clear.
Sailor Neptune
Lesbian, femme, fucks with Sailor Uranus...she's also super sexy and super talented which makes all the other bitches on the show jealous. That's why she got her ass kicked by Kaorinite and Queen Nehelenia.
Sailor Uranus
Lesbian, dyke on a bike, fucks with Sailor Neptune. You make fun of her name, and she will hurt you. Looks like a young guy, but is really a girl. She once beat up Sailor Jupiter.
Sailor Saturn
Has the ability to be possessed by a different demon everyday, still hang around long enough to be cleansed of evil by the other Soldiers, then die mysteriously. After the one-hundred-and-twenty-seventh time she reincarnated herself, she finally quit the show and searched for other roles. Last seen playing Samara from "The Ring." Sometimes known as the Boba Fett of Sailor Moon. Must be the armor... or fan stupidity. She is a total Goth, to the extent that she depresses George Bush.On the show she is frequently seen having seizures caused by terminal cancer. Even Chibiusa could kick her ass in a fight. But Chibiusa is in love with her so no.

Henshin[edit]

Cquote1.png Act of Declaration of Independence of Ukraine - or how to morph into a Magical girl

the Verkhovna Rada of the Ukrainian Soviet Socialist Republic solemnly declares
(Usagi): the Independence of Ukraine and the creation of an independent Ukrainian state – UKRAINE. Moon prism power, make up!

(While the girls undergo their henshin sequences...) Narrator: The territory of Ukraine is indivisible and inviolable.

From this day forward, only the Constitution and laws of Ukraine are valid on the territory of Ukraine.

This act becomes effective at the moment of its approval. (Girls complete their morph)

Cquote2.png

—VERKHOVNA RADA OF UKRAINE, August 24, 1991

Initially, the Sailor Senshi yell out the Act of Declaration to power up, with each girl saying a specific line. But then, due to its horrible length and blandness that made them vulnerable to Youma attack, and perhaps their hatred of the narrator, they shortened it down to just the specific quotes. Yes, they needed to do it, for once they reached Belarus, it would seem useless for them to change to the Belarusian declaration of independence

Other good guys[edit]

  • Tuxedo Mask – An escaped insane asylum patient, he goes around killing people using roses like darts. In the manga, however, he gets a shrubbery and uses bombs, presumably to make his fighting style marginally less homosexual. He also has the ability to fly to the rescue on a hang glider when there are no tall buildings or cliffs around. In every episode, he shows up at a convenient time to remind Sailor Moon that she has a magical attack that never ever misses and always kills every enemy in one hit. Then he leaves and bashes his head against a wall, to relieve the frustration that comes from dealing with someone so unbelievably stupid on a daily basis. In the manga, the Sailor senshi found out that Tuxedo mask was an emo and was trying to rape Sailor Mercury and she said, "Just a bit more in... aahh... oohh now my breasts." He was also known to be a tentacle rape target. Oh, and I forgot that he can also transform further into a [Kamen Rider http://kamenrider.wikia.com/wiki/Kamen_Rider_Ibuki], but only when the Sailor Senshi are defeated.
  • Aleister Crowley – The team's mentor after the three cats are turned into sausage in the third season of the anime (or fifth storyline in the manga). He teaches the senshi various sex magick techniques, and starts sleeping with Usagi after he utterly kicks Tuxedo Mask's pansy ass in a bar fight.
  • Luna – A cat. A talking cat. A talking, female cat who is the ruler of the known universe. Refuses to return Garfield's phone calls. She can also take on the form of a plushie, a grown-up female human, a human girl with cat ears and a giant purple squid. Has the ability to create magical objects from her ass.
  • Artemis – A "male" cat who is destined to marry Luna, and have a kid who goes back in time to save her parents from the T-800. Later saves Earth by convincing Randy Quaid to ram his Jet into an alien glacier his brother Denis released. is the pimp of Sailor Venus
  • Diana – Luna and Artemis's future kitten, a cat who can talk, but apparently can't decide if she's purple or grey. She is one of the most pointless characters in the series, but people like her anyway .
  • Nameless Pink Cat - Yes, her name is really "Nameless Pink Cat". Don't ask what her parents were smoking. Well, ask, and maybe I can get you some. She appears in a seriously wacked manga sidestory.
  • Ng Man-Tat– No one knows how he's been involved in all of this, but just knowing he's there helps us retain a little bit of will-to-live.
  • Dave Duncan– He created this series, so why not mention this? If nobody did, then nobody cares.
  • Chow Yun-Fat - Has an ability to fire 500,000 bullets without reloading, defeated the final villian "Chaos" in a shootout in a spinoff movie "A Better Tomorrow".

The Bad Guys[edit]

  • Colton - likes Sailor Moon. Also, is gay. and is a rapist.
  • Power Rangers- Sailor moon gone rogue (and in the flesh).
  • Conor-Likes Sailor Moon, also, is dating Colton.
  • Hunter- Likes Sailor Moon, also, is Conor's brother. Also, secretly likes Colton.
  • Dakota-Was secretly in a relationship with Button. So then he, conor, and Button

became the love triangle.

  • Zyclon-After being defeated by a certain other space chick, Zyclon went to Earth to continue to carry out his fetish for watching young girls being vaporized by 80-megawatt laser blasts. Succeeds in doing this only with Sailor Zula, but nobody cared about her. Appeared in most of the movies, as well as several fanfics.
  • Your mom- Sailor moon evil grandmother (check out the VORE Sailor Moon fan fic, but use google to find 'em).
  • Zarbon - Had he waited a little bit more, he would have been able to kill Sailor Moon. Sadly, he jumped the gun and ended up being slaved by Freeza (someone left it open and all the food melted).

The Dark Kingdom[edit]

  • Queen Barrel: Queen of the Negaverse. Queen Beryl was the major villain of the second season. She is most definitely an evil Heartless bitch who teamed up with Maleficent to make Kingdom Hearts. Known for her army of dead Communists, her attempt to recruit the Soviet Union (which sadly failed when it dissolved before she came to power) her extremely long huge hair as well as her long fingernails, Beryl tried to destroy Sailor Moon and democracy. She failed, however, and went into seclusion. Currently she is the Queen of New Jersey.
  • Jedi: He's at the top of the list when it comes to Beryl's minions. A huge sexist pig, Jadeite was destroyed when Beryl placed him in the Arctic Sea, where he was later raped by a polar bear and killed.
  • Neflite:He's the second on the list to appear. He wanted to get up Mercury's ass but failed to do so and was killed by Russian partizans who caught him. He resurfaced as a normal human, however.
  • Zoy eye site: The token gay HE IS GAY
  • Kun kun: He made Zoisite his uke. They had hawtgaymansex every time they could. Kunzite was turned into a zombie by Beryl, but was converted into a normal human. He now works at T.V. Guide.
  • The Double Dash Girls: After watching an episode of Kyoryu Sentai Zyuranger (yes, that show and not Power Rangers), Beryl decided the best way to solve things was to fight 5 on 5. So she created the DD Girls, who all malfunctioned and exploded when Mercury hax'd into their l33tspaces.

The Ghost Busters[edit]

  • Professor Tomoe: A known pedophile, Tomoe's daughter is Hotaru, AKA Super Emo Depressed Bitch of Darkness. He takes pleasure in being seduced by his servants, and is aroused by his own wicked laughter.
  • Kaorinite: The Crimson haired bitch, Kaorinite is always there when your man needs his pies baked, his dinner made, and his house cleaned. Kaorinite was killed, then resurrected. She attacks using black magic and even her own hair. She tries to get the best out of the Professor to please him, but he completely ignores her. She slit her wrists and moved to Canada, where she assumed the alias "Sailor Kaori."
  • Eudial: The first of the Witches Five and also the other mistress of the flame that is not Sailor Mars, Eudial is a horrible driver and is an avid snail hater. She fired things up with her transformer big ass machine gun flame buster contraption, which she nicknamed "Fire Buster" She was murdered by Smokey the Bear, because she started a forest fire in the Deku Woods.
  • Mimette: Mimette took over as the second of the Witches Five. Mimette is a huge stalker, and likes fingering herself to romance movies.She is a big fan of American Idol and has a crush on every male pop idol in Resistance. Once considered defecting to the Sailor team, but went into hiding after it was revealed she was a lesbian. She was recently seen trying to bomb the house of Paula Abdul.
  • Telulu: The third of the Witches Five, Telulu was the mistress of plantlife, and had wild plant orgies with her plants. She became aroused by the color green, and made her home in a greenhouse. Almost attempting to tentacle rape Usagi, she was beheaded by Poison Ivy after Ivy thought she was trying to copy off of her.
  • Viluy: Also known as Byruit. Viluy was a smart uber l33t space time geek who tried to use computers to take over the world, but was later defeated by Sailor Mercury during a super huge robot anime mega battle.
  • Cyprin: She's the only member of the Witches 5 who has an evil counterpart. Her name is Petrol. They used their super huge magic sticks to try to defeat the Senshi but were tricked into firing their own weapons at each other killing them.
  • Mistress Nine: Mistress Nine is actually a super version of Hotaru. She is known for having massively large boobs.
  • Ugly- A weird kid who likes waffles and has a crush on Sailor Mercury. Ugly is the most beautiful person in the world - or at least he was before Anna Paquin murdered him. There was once speculation that he is the child of Elvis Presley and Angelina Jolie, which he denies. That's very very very very very very very very very very very very stupid because everyone knows that Elmo and Minnie Mouse are his parents. On January 32, 111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 he married Hilary Duff. It is rumored that they are secretly the parents of Sailor Jupiter.
  • AIG- Steals millions from paying taxpayers, using the money to give their executives raises.
  • Alex Trebek- More of an enemy to Sailor Mercury after she lost $10 million to Ken Jennings on Jeopardy, but just pissing off Sailor Mercury pisses off the whole group...so the Sailor Soldiers decided that it's time to kick Trebek's ass.
  • Sailor Earth A false Sailor Scout that acted like a bitch and was more of an enemy to Sailor Moon. She hated Sailor Moon and would throw rocks at her.

Where Are They Now?[edit]

Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask currently live in the only trailer park in Japan. Sailor Moon is a fat, stay-at-home mom who is addicted to Valium and Ben and Jerry’s. Tuxedo Mask is a gym teacher with a pornstache; the jar of vaseline disappears from the medicine cabinet whenever he will be teaching a gym class of girls the next day . Sailor Mars is currently in a steamy affair with Rush Limbaugh. Sailor Venus is currently an actress who has appeared in a wide array of "low-budget, experimental" films, and she will be taking the roll of Naru Narusegawa in Squidward Thomasville de Testiclechew's widely anticipated film Hentai at Hinata, based on several of his tell-all books about the torrid passions going on behind the scenes on Love Hina. Sailor Mercury is currently shacking up with Sailor Moon’s little brother, Shingo; the two live in a one-story ranch with a picket fence in Batavia, Illinois. Mercury is making six figures annually as a lobbyist for the Republican Party (President Barack Obama tries out cheesy pickup lines on her regularly, and gets pepper sprayed daily for his troubles), and Shingo makes a princely sum as a brown-nosing private secretary to Kofi Annan. Sailor Jupiter is fed up with his role as bumbling sidekick to Steven Segal in his last three movies. All the rest are filthy hippies. Gayness is not tolerated and resulted in her autobiography taken off the big box thingy. :(

Sailor Venus as been giving the lifetime achievement award and as retried from making "low-budget, experimental" films. She meet a smooth talking Redneck propane and propane accessories salesman, and as moved to Arlen Texas, and began working at Strickland Propane, She has began an love affair with her new boss, Mr. Strickland.