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This article is an extract from "Captain Smirk's Big Salami Book". It may contain opinions, attitudes or delusions which do not reflect the opinions, attitudes or illusions of the editorial staff, Uncyclopedia or anyone else on the planet.

“O what great cyclopean eye doth penetrate the dawn of my intent?”

~ from Shakespeare's Philomena and Salami (Unpublished)

“Sweet was she whom in her soft content, did cause me joy Salamic.”

~ Edmund Spenser's "The Love Untrimmed" (1468)

Salami is a tubular object consisting of an external covering of organic origin. It is also used as an internal filling consisting of (Inclusively or exclusively) animal/vegetable/mineral substances. [1]




It has long been assumed that the Salame (the true name) is of Italian origin; this is not the case. They just copied the idea because they could think of nothing better to do. Apart from invade somebody. In a reverse direction. Why is it that Italian women have such big hips? Do they breed them that way? Is it the pasta? My wife worries about her hips so I just point her in the direction of Sophia Loren. Case Closed.


This is why Italian houses have such wide doors and big sofas. American women just look big because they talk out of the sides of their mouths. French women are sticks with lungs - very small lungs. You never see British women with huge wobbling handbags. Except for Jordan. When I see her and that singer bloke together it reminds me of those fish that have the male attached to them in a symbiotic relationship.


And just look at German women! With a face that tells you they never saw a satisfactory sauerkraut in their lives.If I had a face like a slapped arse I would invade everyone else just to break all their mirrors. Give me one good reason why Italian women have such fine love handles... only no, those aren't love handles they're load bearing points for heavy lifting gear. No wonder the have so many earthquakes in Italy; every time a women falls over the whole place rocks. Mount Etna used to be dormant until six Italian ladies sat down at the same time.


And what's this with pasta? It's just long stringy goo with flavouring. It looks like the cook sneezed and boiled the outcome. As for arranging it in interesting shapes and stuff; I've sneezed better pretzels.As for the Dutch; the only reason they invented wooden clogs was so that they could hear their women coming and hide. It's also no surprise to me that Australians have at their sheep. The average Australian "shiela" (the name says it all) could give my dog a run for it's money and not because they're fit either. And don't even talk to me about New Zealanders.


Remember them Orcs in Lord of the Rings? No make up - all women I kid you not! They used to send british convicts to Aussie and NZ; only the ugly ones were tough enough to survive. Anyone who can eat a ships biscuit sideways while still in the tin has a mouth Godzilla would be proud of. Then there's this thing about Japanese women - how they are so petite and feminine. Well, so is a tampax and you don't want to be near one of those when you get horny.


Please dear God save me from Irish women; all red hair and PMT. No wonder they had "troubles" over there. I dated an Irish girl once and had to pay damages just because a door wouldn't open quick enough for her. Then there's the Greeks; are those women? They have moustaches and hairy legs. I mean hairy legs; like they are half caterpillar or they ate a monkey. Do not even mention Mexicans. With all that chilli in their diet one fart and we go nuclear.


And why did Castro revolutionise Cuba? So that he could hide their women in cigar factories. "Rolled on the thigh of a virgin" indeed! One look and you can see why they have so many to employ. With all that free health care you would think that a face lift would be a communist benefit. No wonder you only see Castro on tv - they hide the females under canvas so that the Americans don't get any satellite photos and ridicule them before the world. The whole Cuban Missile Crisis was really about catching Fidel's wife sunbathing. She just looked like a launch pad for a something ballistic, whereas Irish women actually are.

Eastern Europe[edit]

As for Italian cuisine - do they even know about bacon? If someone would only parachute in and teach them about frying the place would be worth visiting. It's like those eastern europe countries; if you want to eat anything but goat you have to contact the Red Cross for emergency air supplies; Haven't they read a cookbook?


I blame Attilla the Hun. He was so busy riding around conquering he didn't have time to do more than wave a live goat over a campfire and call it breakfast. Thank God they never saw a camel; as for what they would have done if Hannabil had delivered some elephants... I can see it now "Come on Jumbo - hop over that fire and it's red meat all round!". And they have the nerve to complain about British cooking. OK - so most British people assume that you boil everything. Including hamburgers and salad. And curry.


I also blame the first World War for British food - all those poor tommies could do was throw some water in a tin, set light to the nearest corpse and gulp down what they had before being perforated. Never had a chance to develop haute cuisine - you need to be breathing for at least twenty minutes in order to cook a steak. Of course, the british upper classes had it easy which is why they are extinct now on account of all that cholesterol. Which is mostly due to the fact that they imported fancy Italian cooks because they thought it gave a certain cachet. Then they wondered why their women had such big hips. Which is where I came in, really...


  1. This object may be considered edible. However, do not expect your partner to continue to respect you if you admit to eating strange salamis all night.

See also[edit]