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Salmon Man is the scourge of evil-doers the world over. A genetically engineered superhero, combining the power of ripped abs with the grace and tenacity of a huge fish, Salmon Man is the result of secret mad-science experiments carried out deep underground by a shadowy organisation of evil geniuses. Salmon Man is credited with saving the USA from numerous unspeakable acts of evil, despite being Canadian.
The Early Years
Little is known about the origins of Salmon Man, other than, at some point in the 1970s he escaped from the evil cabal of mad scientists who created him and began to swim upstream to glorious freedom.
Links with the Community
- Salmon Man's preferred modus operandi is to simply stun the villains and evil-doers that he encounters, allowing the conventional local constabulary to arrive later, arrest the crim and bask in the media spotlight. Such socially responsible behaviour allowed Salmon Man to build early and strong links with local communities around the globe. He is also a bulk importer of Fair Trade coffee and, due to the water borne nature of his crime-fighting exploits, rarely damages civic buildings or other facilities.
“That motherfucker is slippery...like a snake”
Salmon Man's superhero powers are many and varied. Two of the deadliest are described below.
The Upstream Stealth Swim
- Everybody, including even the most uneducated villain, knows that water flows downstream. But Ha Ha, Mr. Villain, Salmon Man swims against the current, making him stealthier than even the most proficient ninja (of whatever variety). Whack! Thwack! Take that Mr. Villain. Your evil-doing days are over. And you never even saw it coming.
Salmon Man is Stealth! Fear Him.
- This mode of travel also negates the need for a bitchin' ride, furthering Salmon Man's green credentials. Additional environmental concerns raised by excessive pimping are also avoided.
The Salmon Leap
- The Leap is the most devastating attack in Salmon Man's impressive arsenal of martial skills. There are no direct eye-witnesses to provide testimony, as all those who have fallen victim to the Leap instantly fell into a coma and remain in that state to this day. However, scientific experts believe that the Leap's power is magnified when close to waterfalls. It is hard to overstate how completely awesome this special evil-busting attack really is. Imagine, if you will, a crimelord, standing in repose at the top of his private waterfall. He is master of all he surveys, ruling by fear. Safe in his absolute authority, he allows himself a slow, maniacal laugh. But then wait, what is this rising majestically from the foaming spray of the water, glinting silver in the sunlight? It is Salmon Man, saviour of the peasants. Whack! Thwack! Enjoy your coma Mr. Crimelord. Damn, Salmon Man is such hot shit.
“He taught me all I know about making love to ladies”
The capacity of a single wiki is far too small to hold even a bullet-point list of Salmon Man's notable achievements. Following the award of the Nobel Peace Prize (for Peace), the Pope himself was heard to comment on '..that rad shit'. When even the Vicar of God holds you in high esteem, you know you're doing something right.
“If it...weren't for the...tireless...efforts of Salmon Man...I would own you...all”
Despite the best efforts of Christopher Walken, an unspeakably evil genius of epic proportions, the position of Salmon Man's arch-nemesis is currently vacant.
“I considered asking Justin Timberlake to fill the gap, but that bitch's dance moves are wack. Trouser Snake? Ha!”
“I pity the fool who messes with the man-fish”
Who can tell what the future will hold for Salmon Man. Following advances in the field of transgenics, there is speculation from some guy that all the more desirable qualities of the other superheroes may be surgically removed from them and implanted into Salmon Man, increasing his power exponentially. However, unverified sources citing unknown contacts report that Salmon Man is in fact "perfectly happy with the current array of kickass death moves available [to him], thank you". Further unverifiable evidence suggests that any attempts to mess with Salmon Man's DNA will be met with a "righteous bitch-slapping". Be warned.