From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search


“Azucar! Fenomenal! Ehhhh! Vaya, mi China! Toma! Churra! Dale Pa'Bajo! Miralo!”

~ Salsa musicians on Salsa

“Salsa makes me want to Salsa!”

~ Ricky Martin on Not making any sense

“I'm the lead singer of my band I get all the girls to take off their underpants, I'm the lead singer of my band my salsa makes all the pretty girls want to dance, my salsa, look out for my next single it's called 'My Salsa', my salsa, salsa, salsa, salsa, my salsa makes all the pretty girls want to dance and take off their underpants, my salsa makes all the pretty girls want to dance and take off their underpants, my salsa - Where'd everybody go?”

~ Eminem on Salsa

Salsa was invenGotwjointed by Tito Puente to go on his chips with his friend Hector Lavoe circa 1945 BC. It is a style of music that originated in Cuba, based on cuba son after a new brand of France was released in Europe. Sir T. Puente is acclaimed for this wonderful style of music and was given a knighthood as it was indeed his 1000th invetion, in his second revival from cryogenic freezing.

Salsa is played by a large piece off poo with various instruments. Common salsa instruments are: trombone, gamelan, steel drum, sitar, wiener dog, air guitar, and vocal group. Please be aware that all salsa bands by definition dldkjdsnhfgjsdh contain a brass section and a rhythm section, plus a crazy Gotwjoinconductor just like Tito Puente.

All salsa music is based upon a simple rhythmic beat, which if written against semiquavers looks like this (*=semiquaver, +=beat):

-----------   ++++++++++++    ++++++++++++    ++++++++++++    ++

This Magical rhythm forms the backbone of all salsa beats, and has quite an effect played at the normal salsa speed of 800 hertz.

Salsa is sung in Spanish, the ancient language originating in Antarctica. No one knows why Tito Puente chose to use Spanish (¡especially when he never visited Antarctica!), but we all know that it works. Example lyrics include:

"Delicisio Burrito"
"Toca Bonito"
"Andale, Gringo"
"¡Muchos gracias El Nombre!"
"¡¡¡El Burro del Muerte!!!"
"MMMmmmmmmmmm... Taco"

Salsa itself means "sauce" in this strange and mystical tongue.

Salsa these days can only be found in music stores, under "B" for "Bargain bin". It is only worth listening to only in its MIDI format only, so don't bother with live recordings only.

Salsa Beginnings[edit]

Cuba has been known for many events, people, and accomplishments. It is an honorary counrty that is often overlooked due to its position and size. However, as they say, do not judge a country by its landmass or its education. Cuba has brought forth such things as Communism, Roman Catholicism, and Fidel Castro. However another important accomplishment of this famous country is its addition and recognition to the sexy, witty, and oh-so feverish salsa dance.

The salsa dance is a famous and quick-moving style of dance that was so spicy that there was a chip dip named after it. Many, like Jorge de la Renta have come forth and said that they or their ancestors helped create the dance or some of its moves. However many of these stories are untrue, but there is a story that helped create what are some customary dance moves in the salsa today. That is the story of the inflatuatory parasite known as Teckdaculuss Nemidya.

Teckdaculuss Nemidya is essential an inflatuatory paraiste that existed decades ago. In Cuba this illness spread like wild fire over a period of 13 years in total. It was created and spread through the practice of a simple handshake. Soon food that was sold all over the country was infected by it. Over this period of 13 years over 12,000 people suffered and or died. Doctors researched the strange parasite and found cures for it.

When someone was infected with the deadly Teckdaculuss Nemidya they would go into painful, sleep-like mindset where they would pace back and forth. So doctors announced holding a freshly picked rose in your mouth would help you wake up after you started pacing. It helped, but the cure wasn't found until a scientist named Victor Rodriguez Cortez discovered a spicy medicine made with herbs that was the ultimate cure.

Now today in the salsa dance pacing and a complimentary rose held by the mouth is an essential step in the dance. And the spicy dip was also made partly due to the memory of the cure for Teckdaculuss Nemidya.

Salsa is also reportedly a type of food marketed toward children.