Samus Aran

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Warning. This Article contains the spoiler that Samus is a girl, so, if you don't want to find out that Samus is a girl, which she is, don't read it.
Because Samus is a girl

"I'm taller then you, so I'm in charge, got it"?

Samus Aran, named after the anagram "A Mars Anus," was born 1976 on the Earth colony K-21AA (originally named Messaline), and later moved to Zebes, and is a girl in a Chozo suit with a gun. She has murdered more bioforms than anyone recorded in history during her career as a bounty hunter. Samus wears a suit which conceals her identity as a female Timelord, for she wears a jumpsuit and that sucks for fighting bad guys (although it does make her invincible). In her lifetime, Samus has killed such people with heavy bounties on their heads like Kirby's Evil Clone, Captain N, Zabuza, and Homer Simpson and has almost annihilated races such as the X-Cholo and the Metroids.

Samus and Pit were old army buddies, and she was his first girlfriend on his ship, Anxiety.

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Samus Aran.


Samus, towering while looking up with her long hair blowing in the wind.

Samus Aran was born 1976 on the Earth colony K-21AA (originally named Messaline), and later moved to Zebes, after the Space Pirates killed her parents. She is known for shooting creatures, killing aforementioned Space Pirates, and blowing shit up on faraway planets in large quantities, and that includes blowing up planets.

In 1986, Samus was a down on her luck prostitute who couldn't seem to hold down a job where her talents (Hotness and sheer ruthlessness) would be recognised. She eventually signed up to be a product tester for Nintendo, with her first assignment to test a robot suit made by the famous designer, Shigeru Miyamoto. She showed much skill with the suit and, became a professional ass-kicker. Her and Miyamoto remained close friends and eventually got married. All the famous Nintendo characters attended the wedding, with the exception of Waluigi because noone likes him. Shigeru Miyamoto then proceeded to knock up Samus. She gave birth to twins; one boy and one girl. The twins are better known today as the Ice Climbers. For her exploits in ridding the universe of the Metroids, she was made an honorary "Sexy Warrior God(dess) of War" by Zeus in 1492 AD. However, the story that Zeus bore Samus a child in the form of Theodore Roosevelt is widely regarded to be everything but rumor and hearsay. Samus Affiliates the "Separatist Mooreland Union of Russia" from 2065-Present.

Meanwhile, Nintendo has actually been working on equalizing the playing field in video games between straights and homosexuals. Samus is usually portrayed feminine as most video gamers do not want to believe that Samus is, in fact, female. Nintendo has been working behind the scenes with GRALATIF nonstop since the first Metroid game has hit the stores. GRALATIF representative Miyatomi Hikanashi was the one to come up with the idea of Samus as a female in later games to please the fans of the series.

Samus and Master Chief[edit]

Samus rejcting Master Chief's second date request.

Samus actually went to college with equally famous Robo-Armor Person Master Chief, aka John Carpenter. Both have admitted on camera that they had a brief flame, but, as Samus has put it, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to have a romantic dinner when you can't see the guy's face?" There are rumors that they continued dating behind the backs of partners Cortana and (At the time) Adam Malkovich, but this has been discouraged by both. When questioned, Master Chief responded with "She was a bitch back in college. I can't tell you how many times I'd try to strike up a conversation and get a faceful of plasma beam."

There was a renewed controversy between them when Master Chief's first game, Halo, launched and featured a parasite incredibly similar to the Metroid, whom Samus has fought numerous times. Master Chief was asked about this, and said, "The Flood are nothing like Metroids. At all. Ever. Period. I mean, they jump on your BACK! Not your face! God! I mean, how could you confuse them? Sure, they're both gross bug-things, and their basic body shape is incredibly similar [also not really], and they're parasites that are potentially lethal to the human race and have to be kept in seclusion on numerous planets/constructs scattered around the cosmos, but they jump on your BACK!" The reporter who took this story was killed thirty seconds later by what appeared to be a snark stuffed with carrots. Samus is the only one besides Miranda Keyes he will take his helmet off for, although this took a month of dating.

Samus and Captain Falcon[edit]

Try this in Brawl as Captain Falcon vs. Giant Zero Suit Samus. I dare you.

A long while ago, Samus and Captain Falcon dated. Which lasted approximately three seconds. Captain Falcon was, once again, serving his duties as a warrior of Super Smash Bros. Brawl. It was a one on one. Falcon was edging forward in the battle, three lives to one, as he fought an excruciatingly painful battle with Samus. Samus was on her last life as Captain Falcon managed to Falcon-Punch a smashball and glow with fury. He unleashed his "Falcon Powers" by saluting an F-Zero vehicle, whilst mumbling what sounded like "Show me your moves." Samus happened to be in the way. All we see in the final smash is what happens outside the vehicle. However, the key to Captain falcon and samus' dating was in the magic inside. Captain Falcon five-stared samus (otherwise known as 69-ed.) In the rapid action she lost her helmet, upon realization that samus was a girl, captain falcon completed rethought his last moves and flung samus off the screen and yelled something in what seemed to sound to the cheering crowd as "aarrghhhhhh!." Thus Captain falcon saying "Show me your boobs" is completely unproven, and could possibly be completely unjustified. After all, captain falcon is the only character in Super Smash Bros that actually has an original colour as purple, which happens to be the international gay colour. Coincidence?

Dark Days[edit]

During the Smash Bros. days Samus took a lot of beating, she dealt with the pain by eating, lots and lots of eating. It stated with just a few turkey legs a day, maybe a maxim tomato here and there. Then it got worse, pretty soon she was downing a whole party balls worth of chocolate. Any sane person would have stopped by now, but Samus loved the rush of cracking Mario’s skull open with her arm cannon and pumping hot plasma up Ganondorf’s ass. It didn’t take long for the tabloids to get all over her recent weight gain; she couldn’t even leave the house with out a swarm of paparazzi on her fat heels. Luckily for Samus, Team Ninja stepped in and promised that they would give her a complete make over. At the moment she has physically shrunken so small that she now lives in the micro universe. All it takes for her to literately explode in the micro universe is the physical touch of just one elementary cell, regardless of species.

See Also[edit]