Sand Crab

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“How would one go sand crabbing? Would they stick the cage in the sand? I think not.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Catching Sand Crabs

“The sand crab is a type of crab living in the sand.”

~ Captain Obvious on The Sand Crab

The genus Emerita, better known as the Sand Crab, is a sand dwelling crustacean well known for their lighting efforts in the popular Woody Allen film "Zelig". Sand crabs are renowned for their versatility in the lighting profession, also brightening such films as "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", "Rugrats in Paris", and "About Schmidt". Although sand crabs are primarily famous for their species of lighting crabs, they are not the only one. Sorry, Tigger.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Sand Crab.

The Melting Crab[edit]

Thought of as the younger, more emotionally fragile brother of the lighting sand crab, the melting crab has seen its popularity decrease recently, due to strained relations with the media, and the bearded amish. Melting crabs were known for their crowd pleasing antics, such as pouring acid on fellow sand crabs and watching them scream in anguish as they burn to a crisp, and clever magic tricks. Melting crabs are often found on the premises of rock stars, due to the bountiful amounts of acid.

The Mourning Crab[edit]

The entertaining mourning crabs, once thought of as the "lives of a funeral", have fallen into a state of rejection with the Middle American community. Mourning crabs were scattered throughout eastern Oregon, serving as the entertainers at funerals, a way of breaking the solemn ice. These crustaceans were hugely popular among families of the deceased, due to their ability to lighten the mood amongst funeral atendees. The demise of mouring crabs arose when a band of a capella sand crabs took the trip to a funeral of a child who had been infected by a crab bite. Sub-species of the morning sand crab are the wake crab, and the execution crab.

The Winking Crab[edit]

Popular amongst unstable teenage psycopaths, The winking crab was a short lived breed between the dating crab and the blinking crab. This flirtatious arthropod was assembled at the hand of Edvard Furchendel, venerated biologist and father of a socially awkward nerd. "I just wanted my son to have a date, for god sakes, and continue the family tradition of marrying! So I took the dating crab, savvy in the dating field, and the blinking crab, savvy in the eyelid movement field, and breeded them to create a crab that would use its eyelids to get my son a date." The pungent professor told us in an interview. The winking crab will use the powers of its manipulative iris to hypnotize the requested date into spending a night with the owner. Due to murder-related occurences, the winking crab has become prohibted in 43 states, British Columbia and portions of Turkmenistan. Anybody found using the winking crab where illegal will promptly be cast into a melting crab performance.

Future of Sand Crabs[edit]

Unforunatley, the future of sand crabs does not seem very bright. Perhaps little Jimmy sums it up nicely: "Sand crabs hurt my mommy's foot at the beach." It looks as if sand crabs will soon associate themselves with matricide. Hopefully, people's eyes will be opened once again, and they will realize that sand crabs aren't good for just killing mothers, but that they help us live our lives in peace.