Santa Claws is Santa Claus' evil twin father. He somewhat resembles Santa Claus, save for a few things. He has pale yellow skin, bright red eyes, and of course his long, deadly claws. These are often covered in blood, organs, and sometimes green jello.
Santa Claws always was and always will be, so too bad. He was first seen millions of years ago when the earth was young. Except back then, he was a robot, and he went by the name of "Syndronne Teh Destroya" or STD. He made horrible toys made out of dinosaur bones and toothpaste and handed them out to young monkey children on Xkreestmakoff Day (March 17th). The naive monkeys simply did not understand the purpose of these toys, so they were defacated upon and thrown at predators. STD was horribly distraught. Some say this was the turning point of his life: when he turned evil. But most think it was the day he screamed from the mountain tops "THIS IS THE DAY THAT I GO EVIL!!!" Many people assumed it was their neighbours yelling this, hence the Cold War. STD turned into a not robot the day your mom was born.
Santa Claws' current whereabouts are unknown, but many believe he resides at 734 Sarsa Lane, Toronto, Ontario, Canada, Earth, The Solar System, Your Mom.
Santa Claws spends his days working night shifts at Wal-mart and renting The Matrix. When he isn't working or masturbating to that lobby fight scene from The Matrix, he is inventing things that have already been invented, or eating babies with a spoon (as opposed to a straw), and doing your mom.
Santa Claws has many enemies. On thursdays at exactly 12 o'clock noon, Chuck Norris stabs him in the jaw with a paper plate. He is immortal, so he doesn't die, but is left in horrible pain. Even though the attacks are completely organised and planned, (Chuck Norris often phones ahead), he never sees them coming. He is also constantly engaged in an ongoing battle with Frosty The Snowman. Frosty often jumps him when he is walking down the street, when he is on the toilet, or whacking off to The Matrix, and of course, while doing your mom. These battles can last about ten to twenty days. Most commonly however, they're over in about 20 seconds. They are too epic for mortal eyes to see, so whenever they happen, everybody blames the destruction on tsunamis, terrorists, communists, and of course, Hitler.
Misconceptions (or however the tits you spell that)
Many people believe that things happen. This is false. Pretty much everything horrible that has happened was caused by Santa Claws, but as afore mentioned, they were too epic for mortal eyes to see. The following things were caused by Santa Claws:
- World War I
- World War II
- World War III (too epic, nobody knows it happened)
- World Wars IV-C (4-100, for you n00bs out there)
- 9/11 terrorist attacks (planes were actually thrown by Santa Claws in an attempt to impale Chuck Norris in Super Sayan 9 form)
- George W. Bush (only living relative to Santa Claws, save for Santa Claus
- The Holocaust (Santa Claws, when translated into a recognisable by mortal eyes shape, looked like Adolf Hitler. He assassinated Hitler and took his place, on a war against Frosty The Snowman. The jews that were exterminated were actually snowmen warriors, weilding +2 broad swords.)
- Disney (a strange chemical reaction to Santa Claws' 3rd grade science project involving a beaver and a taxi)
- The three newer Star Wars movies (actually just an illusion of the mind, in order to cope for Santa Claws' 2 billion year rein of terror between the years 1990 and 1991.)
- Hurricane Katrina (Actually a bowel movement)
- This thing you're reading right now (a mind illusion meant to distract you while Santa Claws makes off with your tv.)
- Your mom (sorry, I HAD to add that)
--Burn9003 23:03, 23 October 2007 (UTC)