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The notorious "Closet"...
Birth Name: Ryan S. Satin
Birth Date: January 1,1899
Birth Place: Huntington, WV
Occupation: Unholy Ruler
Unholy Empire: Satin, TX
Favorite Food Small Children
Favorite Hobby Singing Show Tunes

“All those kids have lost a lot that they'll get back, but there is one thing they won't ever get back... their virginity.”

~ Police Officer on incident at Pullman Square

Ryan S. Satin better known as Satin, is the unholy ruler of Satin, Texas[1]. He is a supernatural being all his own and is not related to Satan or even Stan. He is notorious for kidnapping small children, taking them to The Closet, and then having them "Dance" with him. To this date Satin is the only person to come out of The Closet alive.

Early Childhood[edit]

The story of Satin begins in 1906 in the small rural community of Huntington, West Virginia. Where there was a young boy named Ryan Satin who was cutting the cheese in his small cottage. After accidentally slicing his thumb open while cutting the cheese he came up with a great idea. He was going to pull a prank on his mother and write "Satan is my savior" on his front door.

After writing the message he did not realize that he misspelled "Satan" as "Satin" due to his extremely low IQ. Ryan hid in the bushes across the street to wait for his mother to come home after working in the coal mines all day. He waited for 2 hours in the small bushes before noticing storm clouds gathering above his head.

He waited in the bushes for another hour before it started sprinkling. Then he hid under the porch by the front door to keep dry from the rain. The clouds turned pitch black as Ryan hid under the porch. A shower of lightning coming from the dark sky destroyed the porch and fused young Ryan with the misspelled message on the front door.

Satin Lives[edit]

After being fused together with the front door, Ryan became the creature we now know as Satin. After the transformation Satin became a social outcast because of his demonic appearance. Everyone who saw him ran away, even the Devil himself ran away after taking one glimpse of poor old Satin.

He was emotionally scarred from several years of abuse in West Virginia, so he decided to move to New York City and start a new life. But people's reactions to Satin were the same as in West Virginia. There he opened up "The Closet", a place where he could feast on small children in peace and quiet. But when Satin turned 18 years old in 1917, the New York City Police Department became aware of happenings in The Closet. He then moved to Laguna, Texas and renamed it Satin, Texas when he turned it into his unholy empire. Since his move to Texas he has remained out if the public image until recently.

Recent Activity[edit]

  • Satin was recently spotted with his sex slave "life partner" Gary Coleman having intercourse in the Texas wilderness.
Watchu Talkin Bout' Satin?
  • Satin was also found in Gotham city fucking the Joker. Batman got involved but his penis exploded due to the sheer abomination that is Satin. Commissioner Gordon found Batman's exploded penis and kept it for his personal collection.
Batman traumatized after the penis exploding incident
  • It is rumored that Satin has an underground base in some stupid town in Vermont that no one cares about. Satin is supposedly putting together a team of evil-doers together in a plot to destroy the world. The team consists of himself, Adolf Hitler, Matthew McConaughey, Brian Peppers, Skeletor, Meatwad, Joker (his lover), Gary Coleman (his other lover) Satina (his other lover that has a vagina, as far as we know...), Cobra, Marilyn Manson, Zac Efron, Miley Cyrus, Edward Cullen*, Sarah Jessica Parker, and The Black Power Ranger (no, we're not racist damn it.) Other than destroying the world, the team plans to harvest all the penises in the world. Starting with George Clooney's.
  • One man claims that Satin has returned to his hometown of Huntington, West Virginia in the recent months. He was seen with his supposed wife, Satina viewing "Drag Me To Hell" at Pullman Square. The movie was terrified at the appearance of the ugly couple and the actors and actresses jumped off screen. Satin was furious and then raped a grand total of 1,607 little boys.

Scheduled Movie[edit]

Satin the Movie 2 copy.jpg
The family comedy

The Movie is scheduled to be released in 2010. Those are the only details are being released at the moment.

As of January 3rd, 2010, Satin has decided to begin production of his movie. Since the world is ending in 2012. He approached several directors, but none of them accepted to film a movie with him as the star. Satin then decided to become the director of his own movie. These are the confirmed rolls:

Brian Peppers as Satin

Gary Coleman as himself

Susan Boyle as Satina

It is rumored that Skeletor makes a cameo appearance, setting up a possible sequel: Satin 2: Hell's Militia. When approached, Skeletor denied the cameo appearance stating: "My ties with Satin and his alliance have grown thin over the years and with such a low budget, I doubt I will make an appearance." Several days later, in a controversial event, Gary Coleman fucked Skeletor in the eye socket. Horrified, Skeletor decided to make an appearance.

Edward Cullen, aka: "Robert Pattinson" has confirmed he will not appear in "Satin", stating: "I'm filming Eclipse! I'm a douchebag."

Zac Efron has also denied an appearance in "Satin" stating: "I'm working on a brand new film with Disney! It's called High School Musical 4: Dancing isn't allowed on a college campus! I have high expectations for it!"

Meatwad, Joker and the Black Power Ranger have all confirmed that they will reprise their roles in "Satin."

As of May 10th, 2010, filming has officially gone underway, with an official release date of June 6th, 2011 confirmed.

Satin has decided to direct, produce and star in the film. No replacements have been filled for Robert Pattinson or Zac Efron.

See also[edit]