“The profoundness of their lyrics continues to astound me. I mean seriously, how I am supposed to ever write something that could beat "It's not a bird, it's not a plane, it must be Dave, who's on the train"? Simply genius.”
“No one understands what the fuck I am about”
Scooter are a group of German poets known for their extremely profound texts, often so deep and abstract that few people even have a clue about what they're even
yelling talking about. Often misunderstood and sometimes even despised, these hardworking poets earn their living by touring around the world and Europe in particular, reading their very profound lyrics poems to intellectuals and artists, bringing joy and inspiration to all who have the fortune of meeting them in person. It appears H.P. Baxxter will later turn to a "life of rhyme" as foretold in the smash hit "Bit a Bad Boy".
Scooter currently has three members, all of whom are highly regarded members of Mensa International. Their fuhrer/frontman, H.P. Baxxter (true name Hans-Peter Geerdes), is reported to be the most brilliant person alive, having an IQ of 350 or above. He is often referred to as Lovecraft by his friends due to the initials of his first names. He is also known for being an adversary of James Bond in the film Tomorrow never Dies.
However, the other two (current) members, Michael Simon and Sebastian Schilde "Nacho", are reported to "only" have an IQ of 250.
The co-founders of the group were H.P., Rick J. Jordan and Sören Bühler, while four other ex-members were involved in the group for "short periods of time" (also known as chapters). These were Axel Broszeit "Axel Coon", Jürgen Frosch "Jay Frog", Phil Speiser, and Etnik Zarari. Michael Simon joined the poetry group, reportedly in 2014, to "cover" for Rick J. Jordan. Jordan then posted on Instagram to announce his resignation from the band, and was shunned by H.P. for the rest of his life.
The three geniuses who would go on to found the internationally renowned poetry group known as Scooter; Hans-Peter Geerdes, Hendrik Stedler and Sören Bühler, met up while working as doctorate scientists at the Max Planck Institute for Quantum electromagnetohydrodynamics in Mülheim. Unbeknownst to the others, all three wrote poetry individually in their free time in the evening after their brilliant academic work was finished. Soon, they became aware that they shared a common passion and formed the poetry group Scooter, which was intended to be a forum for aspiring poets throughout Europe. This ambition did not come to fruition, because most newcomers were afraid that they could never live up to the extreme standards set by three intellectual powerhouses such as Hans-Peter Geerdes, Hendrik Stedler and Sören Bühler.
H.P. Baxxter also has a patent for the Chillybow, a weapon of terrible power that he invented at the Institute for Quantum Electromagnetohydrodynamics. While arguably having a pretty silly name, it is in truth the most powerful bow ever created, a dreaded device shooting special arrows very much resembling ice cream cones, but are actually made entirely of dark matter, instantly vaporizing small moons and asteroids in one single shot.
Scooter has created many critically acclaimed poems, some of the most notable ones being "Hyper Hyper", "Weekend", "Fire", "Move Your Ass'"
and "How Much is the Fish?". All of Scooter's poems have a deep, underlying meaning - perhaps a commentary on the Riemann Hypothesis or
the existential void which we all live in these days. "Hyper Hyper" is a
song poem about the possibilities of hidden pocket dimensions
in hyperspace, touching the work of such brilliant string theorists as Michael Green and Edward Witten, describing the
elusive journeys of an Alice in Wonderland-like character, Alice in Hyperland, to a perplexing eleven-dimensional hyperspace landscape.
Lyrics from The Logical Song are believed to explain the origins of the universe when played backwards.
While Scooter's poems are difficult to comprehend due to their very abstract and profound nature, we shall try as best as we can to understand what goes on in the brilliant mind of H.P. Baxxter, the most ingenious person currently alive.
So, just who IS the man in the ice cream van, really?
The man in the ice cream van is rumored to be either Anonymeye, Spartacus, Jesus or Galactus, although this remains nothing more than speculation. Rumours downtown (the downtown of Tampa Bay, that is) has it that the name of the man in the ice cream van definitely ends with the suffix "-us", although most points to Anonymeye, due to the very anonymous nature of the man in the ice cream van. The only thing about him that remains certain is that Scooter definitely respects him greatly, and that he may have some unknown ties to the Chillybow due to being mentioned in the same context as it.
It is possible that this is a reference to the nameless character in an ice cream van in the movie "Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai". Or could the reference to the "man in the ice cream van" could be a Vice City style cocaine dealer. Respect!
Notable excerpts from famous Scooter poems
Scooter's affinity for quantum mechanics
Many mystics, visionary philosophers, quantum physicists, doctors and poets around the world have tried to decipher the underlying meaning of Scooter's most brilliant poems, for instance "Weekend!". While arguably less metaphysical in nature than the quasi-psychedelic hyperspace trips of "Hyper Hyper", "Weekend" nonetheless serves an important role, being a social commentary on the need for rest and search for ones true self and that the weekend (that is too say, Saturday and Sunday) serves or at least should serve as a resort for ones spiritual well-being. Being one of the most critically acclaimed poems ever, it stills manage to puzzle intellectuals worldwide as to what the hell Terminators, monkeys, Drum'n'bass, ice cream vans, Zulu and voodoo has to do with each other, although this is likely because H.P. Baxxter is so intellectually superior to the rest of humanity that no one may ever come to fully know and comprehend the sheer brilliance of the poem and its ingenious creators.
Some have argued that Scooter has been drawing inspiration from the unpredictable nature of quantum mechanics, which may be the explanation for how Terminators, monkeys, drum'n'bass, ice cream vans, Zulu's and voodoo can co-exist within one single text and still make sense (or not).
Many have searched for a lowest common denominator that may help in understanding the subtleties of the poem as well as other poetry by Scooter, a futile quest as the brilliant mind of H.P. Baxxter all too often turns out to be beyond mortal comprehension.
A video showing a poetry session by Scooter
The Candy Man?
Still, in 2007, there are generations of teenage goths who still believe the candy man is real... maybe they were right. If you examine all of Scooter's famous poems, I can assure you that nothing makes sense apart from HP's declaration that he is the candy man, known as Dave from Sheffield. Two famous poems, "Posse (I Need You on the Floor)" and "Fuck the Millennium" both contain this evidence. Ever since these were published there has been much controversy as to whether or not we can trust these words. The two leading arguments are: YES, it is the only thing that makes clear sense to ordinary human beings, therefore why should it remain a riddle? NO, Hans Peter Baxxter, being the most ingenious man in the whole world is far too smart to let something like that slip out - it must either be a distraction or have a hidden meaning.
There is plenty of "proof" that HP is indeed the fabled candy man, but none of it is widely accepted. Naturally, people don't give a shit.
“Am I the only one who doesn't understand a single thing about anything Scooter says?”