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Scotch, the fabled brew of the Scottish, is famous world-wide for being able to cure a person of eyesight, hearing and generally having the ability to alter the drinker's behaviour towards violence, self-pity, depression and resentment of the English (basically it turns you into a Scotsman).

The first toast[edit]

One day (fine day it was), Jimmy McDrunkballs was fishing with his trusty companion, Morag the Highland Coo. After several hours of Jimmy's cursing and misery at not being able to catch anything Morag became restless. She pissed into the stream and within 5 seconds, drunk fish began floating to the surface to say hello to Jimmy's ginger beard. Impressed and quickly becoming stone cold sober, Morag was asked to urinate into a flask. Jimmy lifted the elixer to his lips and let out a cry of glee upon recognising the alcoholic effect of the concoction which was to be named, Scotch.

Urban myths set straight[edit]

- Scotch is much more effective than viagra.
- Scotch will only solve 8/10 of lifes problems.
- Ginger pubic hair of the English is a curse and not even Scotch can help.
- Is, quite frankly, brilliant