Scotch egg

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Fire damage caused at a modern day scotch egg factory after a missfire on a test range in 1994

The Scotch Egg is a weapon first used during the crusades by J.J. Christason. It consisted of an egg, soaked in Scottish Whisky and stuffed inside a pig's testicle and then fired at an advancing enemy using a long hollow tube. Its use by some Scottish knights who were present at the siege of Jerusalem in 1099 was taken up by the crusaders who were pleased to use a weapon that insulted Jews and Muslims in equal measure. Also the vapour given off by this weapon also inspired the subsequent bloodbath there.


Historians like to argue at length about the origins of the Scotch Egg. According to those who follow the Chicken Principle, the bird came first and was observed to use the 'bad eggs' it delivered now and again as useful projectiles to kick in the face of a fox. Those who subscribe to the Egg Theory suggest instead that the egg was accidently dropped into a whisky distillery during the ninth century. According to this story , Brian of Yorick was attempting to fry an egg without actually breaking the shell. He soaked it in Scotch, attempted to light it with his flint and promptly died whilst being struck by lightning. His friend Brian of Davis sitting nearby saw the attempt at invention and went on to market it as a cure for Cheese Cancer. This however did not work, and it was eventually spotted by Captain Brian of Yorick (epic irony!) at the first ever Cheese Cancer Fayre in 865 BC. Captain Yorick killed Davis with a sharp blow to his head, delivered by a dead turtle.

Modern Uses of The Scotch Egg[edit]

In the modern world people use the scotch egg for many things. Some people use it for killing off idiots who piss off people at really neat modding community sites like Deskalada or Archain. The Scotch Egg also creates a berserk reaction in hounds, whipping them into a frenzied blood-lust. In the United States it is used to fuel black & tan hounds and several other breeds as they pursue varmints such as nutria, badgers, and squirrels, often for several days straight without rest.

Advances in Scotch Egg Technology[edit]

Since the crusades the scotch egg has evolved, with offer 5 variants around the world. The current major producer of scotch eggs is the isle of wight with over 3 million eggs produced each hour in sweat shops across the island. Still, accidents happen and there have been over 74,000 deaths due to scotch egg related accidents (outside of battle) in the last 5 years.

Recent developments in scotch egg technology include the use of larger eggs; the largest functional egg so far being the goose egg. However this requires an extremely controlled environment to produce and is about 30 times more explosive than traditional scotch eggs.

The German Scotch Egg project in Nazi Germany was informally known as the Eiverein (Egg Club) and it began in April 1939, shortly after the discovery that larger eggs could be combined with a higher percentage of scotch. This project resulted in the largest known scotch-egg related accident in history, as an ambitious nazi scientist decided an ostrich egg soaked in 75%vol. scotch would be a good idea. 7,937 people and three ostriches died when the egg ignited and blew up in the laboratory just north of Berlin on 9th September 1942. However, the explosion also marked the discovery that ostrich meat is edible and actually quite tasty, resulting in the first production of ostrich burgers by national hero German Hamilton Burger.

Scotch Eggs in Popular Culture[edit]

Steven Hawking is a well noted Scotch Egg enthusiast. He has devoted the majority of his free time to developing the "Scotch Egg to end all motherfucking Scotch Eggs" and "A real hardcore motherfucking Scotch Egg, with real depth of flavour and beautiful elegance that will show those assholes at Tesco how to make a REAL motherfucking Scotch Egg." Scotch Eggs are also the snack of choice of middle of the road R'n'B artist, R Kelly.

England and the Scotch Egg[edit]

In recent times the Enlgish have decided that they invented the Scotch Egg and no-one in Scotland has even heard of it. It is unclear why England wants to claim credit for what are essentially eggy testicles but if it makes them happy they can have it.

See also[edit]

Monabeanhalffinished.jpg This article has a good idea and concept, but isn't finished. You can do something about it.

The Scotch egg is a weapon first used during the crusades. It consisted of an egg, soaked in scotch and then ignited.