Scouser

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An infected person.

“FUCKING CALM DAHN LIKE”

~ A tit when angry

“WHO YAH TELLIN' T' FUHKKIN CALM DAHN LIKE??”

~ A cockney in response to the above

A Scouser is an unfortunate person who has been infected with the Muglymoustacheitis virus. It can be difficult to live with because of the severe disfigurement and sheer annoyingness. Scousers tend to be of the burglar persuasion, and often steal car radios. All scousers support either Liverpool or Everton and would happily murder a family member who switched to supporting the enemy team. Once every football season (since 1975-6) Man U fans are chased through the streets of Anfield by an angry mob of Liverpool supporters, but can be placated by portions of donner meat. The scouse accent is considered by southeners to be a separate language, only remotely related to English. In addition they used to wear shell suits in the 90s. Now it's all North Face, Rat hats and white trabbs (footwear).

The Virus Itself[edit]

The Muglymoustacheitis virus is a particularly virulent strain of scousebastarditis but where as the latter is spread over a wide area of the United Kingdom (past Birmingham), the former is concentrated to a small area in the north west called Livah-puwle.

According to all Mancs, these people should be spat on, urinated on, run over, mutilated, hacked with a chainsaw or burnt with acid, all of which are common because of the severe disgust incited by the condition. Eventually they will end up in a spot of argy-bargy - and that is why they need help. There is telethon in aid of them called BBC Scousers In Need where Terry Wogan tries to raise money for affected people.

Scouseland (west of St. Helens) is also notable for its abundance of "Firework Shops" which enjoy a healthly trade all year round. It is recommended to see scousers doing their "weekly shop" at such establishments, especially if the scouser is wearing North Face clobber (clothes) as any resulting accident is a sight that can be appreciated by young and old alike.

The Tell Tale Signs[edit]

Once infected, the person's taste in hairstyle, clothes, IQ and voice is severely diminished leaving him with the tell-tale unkempt afro (Fellaini 'ed), afro-moustache, silly voice, violent nature, constant saying of the phrase "dee doo doh don dee doh?" (they do though don't they though?) and can of Special Brew super strength lager.

Despite this affliction scousers are known as well balanced individuals which is demonstrated by the fact that they have a chip on both shoulders. This is also confirmed by the paranoid attitude which exhibits itself in a victim culture attitude that someone, everyone, or even inanimate objects are against them: This is especially evident when Liverpool have just been beaten by Manchester United in the league- courtesy of a flukey undeserved "arl-arse" goal. When this happens, scousers will have a "face on them" and be very disappointed at being "'ad off" by some "jarg" refereeing decisions.

The mere offer of a job to a scouser will result in a tirade about the capitalist taking advantage of them by expecting them to work after 3 generashuns of their family have successfully managed to avoid any semblance of work. Typically a scouser will vote Labour if a donkey stood as candidate in the sure belief that their giros will be certain to keep arriving as the labour party see the whole of Merseyside as supporter heaven.

scousers of the Bag 'ed* variety (*see the big fuck off list below) may ask passers by "lens ten pence, kidder. God bless"

Learn Scouse Fast[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Scouse.

If you can't beat the Scouse, join the Scouse! Here's all you need to know!

  • bag 'ed = known heroin user
  • nicked/grafted = stolen---
  • boss = rather good
  • beak = cocaine
  • Bezzie = best friend/mate---
  • class = marvelous---
  • Crimbo = Christmas---
  • a wool = person from Saint Helens
  • Fuckin' beast that, lad = That was rather good, my friend.
  • bizzies = police--
  • blert = see bell-end
  • bell-end = annoying person
  • jarg = defective/ of low quality
  • bifter/ ciggie = cigarette---
  • quid/nicker = pound---
  • arl-arse = out of order---
  • ozzy = hospital---
  • offy = store that primarily sells alcohol and Rizlas
  • Queen = term of endearment for women---
  • meff = idiot---
  • screff = derivative of meff
  • dick 'edd = stupid---
  • monged = on drugs---
  • ah cler = Our Claire
  • de scum = the sun newspaper
  • yerwah? = What was that?
  • Propa' Hellshot dat, lad = Good shot old chap
  • Anno, Lad = I am aware of that fact.
  • the scum = Manchester United/the sun newspaper
  • Boss = Fucking awsome
  • sound = ok

Rehabilitation[edit]

List of effective cures:

- A 357. Magnum - A 50 Cal. Sniper Rifle - A Box of shreddies, A scented candle, two broken plugs and a doll of Britney spears. Also recommended: A large group of persistant Man-u supporters, a good shave and hair cut, and a full time job.

What To Do If You See A Scouser[edit]

  • Usually running works because their brain cannot do two things at once (or use apostrophes), it has trouble running and breathing at the same time.
  • If you have any sharp objects, stabbing repeatedly sometimes works but it is not recommended because the success rate depends on how much feeling his body still has.
  • Use words with more than 6 letters in.
  • Use words with more than 1 syllable.
  • Ask him what the time is, if he has no watch then he will look for it for about 30 minutes on his wrist or if he has one, telling the time will make his brain explode.
  • Never mention the words, hubcaps, tories, wallet or mancs.
  • Don't stand directly in front of one if it has just had a beer.
  • Don't touch one them even if they look wet and cold outside the marked - they will bite you!
  • If one is seen remain still and try to act as big as possible.


Scouse Jokes[edit]

St. Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates one day when up walks a group of forty Scousers all wanting to get into heaven.

St. Peter tells them that there isn't enough room for them all, and asks them to wait while he goes off to ask God to tell him which ones he should let in.

"Pick the ten most righteous. They shall enter Heaven," says God.

Ten minutes later Peter comes running back to God, out of breath. "They're gone!" he exclaims.

"What, all forty?" says God. "Not the Scousers," says Peter, "The bloody gates...!"


Another one:

Q: What's the most confusing day in Liverpool? A: Father's Day

yet another one:

Q: What do scousers and batman have in common? A: They cant go anywher without robbin


A Scouser is sat in a bar having a few drinks. In walks a gay guy who eyes him up. After a few beers the gay guy finally plucks up the courage to speak to the Scouser. "Do you fancy a blow job?" he whispers. The Scouser picks up a bar stool and batters the guy to a pulp, kicking him out the door. The barman comes over and says "Christ mate, that was a bit brutal - what did he say to you ?". "Dunno," replies the Scouser, "Something about a job !"

The Gospel according to St Scouse[edit]

Every Manc you see, Butt them!