Scrambled eggs

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ARSE, flying in formation over an airstrip just outside Washington DC

The concept of flying - or "scrambled" - eggs for the purposes of protecting the President of the United States was first devised by the ruler of ancient Rome, Julius Caesar, after he realised that he had peaked too soon with the invention of his famous salad dressing. The idea was soon forgotten, however, when Caesar provoked the otherwise peaceful barbarian hordes of Scotland and Scandinavialand by hurling extra large free range eggs at them to thus work out the flight pattern of his newest invention. The Empire of Rome was subsequently overthrown and replaced by the Empire of the Dark Side. Star Wars had begun.


Fortunately, the original idea was reinvented by Osama bin Laden in 1847 with the assured purpose of restoring peace to the evil-ridden post-apocalyptic wastelands of WW -1. Some people say that the reasoning was in fact the opposite and that bin Laden was attempting to undermine the defense network of the USA. This view is not widely accepted among historians because everyone knows that nobody could be stupid enought to let that happen. For further reading on this subject, watch War Games.

Context today[edit]

Today, flying eggs are used by the USA for their original purpose - to protect the most powerful man on Earth. Just outside of Washington DC is located the defense unit know as the Air Reinforcement by Scrambled Eggs or ARSE for short. They wait ready 24 hours a day and at the first sign of an attack by the USSR the eggs are scrambled. Some critics, possibly those mentioned before, claim that the usage of the eggs should not be solely dedicated to an attack by the USSR, because the country no longer exists. They have since been put in jail.

Recent usage[edit]

The ARSE was last used on April 29 2005, when a USSR attack plane was spotted heading straight for the capital. The eggs were scrambled in a matter of minutes - experts estimate that it took only 3700. ARSE then proceeded to attack the invading aircraft, confirming two direct hits and assuring base control that the enemy craft had gone down just 5 miles East of Washington DC. It was only then that they were told that they had in fact been attacking a cloud and the President was under no threat. Despite this, the mission was not considered a failure until base control made a mistake in relaying the landing coordinates, relaying instead the coordinates of the White House. George W Bush, not for the first time, ended up with egg on his face.

See also[edit]