Scytho-Siberian man was so awesome! He was like an ancient, but real, Conan the Barbarian who rode tiny, dog-like horses and terrorized other cultures that pretty much sucked compared to the awesomeness of Scythians. His horses, though viscious, were probably short due to the fact that he was really buff and had a ton of Satanic armor made with the bones of the sanctified. Scytho the Siberian had a hot wife, who usually looked a lot like Nicole Kidman even though he was a huge Asian guy, so he probably knew karate too. With this uberkarate and the dark power of the Satanic Armor of Death Metal, Scythian man was unstoppable, and probably was responsible for the downfall of Cro-Magnon man (see War of Manliness). Not much is understood about how Scythians got so buff and awesome, but luckily a long, unbroken line of shamans that originated among the Scythians exists to this day.
Sources of Scytho-Siberian man's power
According to one modern member of this shamanistic tradition that I met at an Advanced D & D tournament, Scythian strength and buffness came from a “magickal” sword stolen from the ancient Hall of the Illuminati on Mount Olympus around the dawn of time. Later, Scythians would interbreed with demons to produce vampires, but only by the watchful power of the Omniscent Polyhedronic Sword of Infinite Knowledge and Omnipotence could the Scythians control their overpowering bloodlust.
The Scythians grew sheep, and often would eat them as if they were wooly M&M’s. THUS WAS THEIR SIZE! The wool and hooves of the sheep were digested along with the meat to provide the nutrients Scythians needed to grow great mats of chest hair and their mighty beast-horns. Some acheaologists believe that these horns were used to attract hoards of crows, vultures and bats that would darken the land as they moved about. Just imagine what would have happened if the Scythians had invented machine guns!
Armor and weapons...holy fuck!
Many have wondered, “With all their power, why didn’t the Scythians take over the world and ruthlessly rule it for eternity?” This complicated question requires an equally complicated answer. Let’s examine the weaponry of the Scythians. A typical Scythian would carry a spear made from lashing a sharpened Egyptian obelisk to the end of giant cedar timber. Dragon sinew would be used, as this method would focus the Fire of Ra that made the Scythian Obelisk-Timber Spear so formitable a weapon. Every Scythian carried a sword, but Scythian swords were unique among ancient empires of conquest. Scythian swords were all forged by the Blacksmiths of the Damned in the Altai Mountains. This location was favorable to sword-forging, as a geological fluke of nature allowed the Scythians to take advantage of the Bellows of Hell.
More weapons, but these ones were made out of violent animals
Wild animals would often be forced into fits of demonic rage by Scythian War-Psychics. As a Scythian army ascended from the abyss onto horror-stricken victims of their barbarous darkness, millions of these psychically-rabid rage-creatures would tear the villiages apart to make way for the army’s triumphant arrival. With each village destroyed, Scythian warriors would swell from feasting on the souls of the dying. This only further angered and enraged the already viscious insanity of the animal hoard, thus imbuing them with greater hatred and thirst for destruction. Other animal weapons included lashing packs of angry wolves together and rolling them towards the pathetic defenses of the innocent—wolf balls caused a great deal of damage, as the wolfpack would maul anything it rolled over. I mean, just maul it to bits. We now know this is why villages were constructed on hills instead of in valleys, as it was more difficult to bowl the wolves uphill.
The decline and nipples of the Scytho-Siberian empire
The Scythians were cursed by their gluttonous thirst for blood and souls, as it required constant man-hunting. If fact, just the thought of hunting humans made a Scythian’s nipples harden. Evidence of warlusting coincides with nipple-hardening rituals that usually had something to do with Satan. Evolutionarily speaking, hard nipples can hold armor more comfortably on the torso, and all the horseback riding would have been very stimulating.
- Zissou, T. 2004. Please, please accept this as my term paper for ANTH 3035 even though I never showed up, please. University of Minnesota Undergraduate Anthropology Club Lounge Refrigerator.