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“In Soviet Russia, baby seal cruelly kill YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on Harp Seals
A hungry seal about to eat its next meal.


A seal is a small mammal that lives in the water and is well known for its quality swimwear. The seal is commonly misconceived to be cute and innocent. However they are in fact quite vicious. Many nature documentary crews have been slain by these vicious creatures which sneak up on their prey before suddenly striking in a leap of fury in which they rip off the head of their prey before devouring it. The seal then attempts to eat the heart of it's victim, thus devouring the soul. This menace spreads and reproduces rapidly leading to the development of the sport of Seal Clubbing in which brave men and women use large blunt metallic objects in order to control the seal population. The champions of Seal Clubbing are Greenpeace who work tirelessly to club as many seals as possible every day with outposts set up across the world. They then donate the seal skins to fashion designers to create various forms of swimwear. Avid seal clubbers might consider joining the Seal cub clubbing club.

The Seal is amongst the known preys of the vicious King Eagle, together with whales and drunk Norwegians.

The containment and management of the number of seals is managed by the Seal cub clubbing club.

The United States Presidential Seal (taken in July 1996, shortly before Hillary Clinton made it into a fur coat).

The Seal Theory[edit]

It is known that in the year 2069 (year of hard sex) that the seals will make their move on world domination. The seal population is largely found under the earths crust and at year 2069, they will simultaneously burst out and sing the crazy frog annoying ring tone. As they do this they will proceed to rip human heads off their torso's, and hoard underwear. By the year 2072, all humans will be dead, and seals will be the dominant race on earth. That is until the great cricket uprising of 2240, in which all seals will die. But that is another story.


Seals are famed for their Swimwear; this started in 1982 when an Aussie Seal named Zoggs got fed up with Australians losing their oversized American swimwear over his patch. His first swimsuit came out in 1983 and has appeared in adverts all over the world, most famously wearing a pair of goggles. It is commonly thought that seals do not need goggles, but Zoggs has proved to the world that you do need goggles. Many seals do not attack a swimmer wearing part of the Zoggs range.

Posh and Beautiful[edit]

The Seal has very large, black eyes, which is very good, since it would look rather stupid with blue eyes, or even worse, brown. The seals are rather concerned about their looks, and tend to spend hours every day grooming themselves in front of the mirror. They want to make sure that they look their best before they journey out to misbehave.

Common Behaviour[edit]

These little creatures can wreak havoc on a fish farm in 20 seconds, using Uzi machine guns to shoot the salmon. That is why the Norwegian Government has passed a legislative bill opening for these vicious beasts to be hunted down and the population to be controlled. The preferred weapon for this is the Hakapik, which is a blunt metal object that resemblance a hatch. Seals are the only species known to have sexual relations with creatures outside their class, preferring penguins[1].

Hunting Methods[edit]

An example of seal pup hunting.

Hunting these ferocious killers is a job only for the brave. In order to get close to them you really only have one choice. You must come upon them while they groom themselves, and you must approach from an angle, so that they cannot see you in the mirror. Then, as you move in to striking range (the average range of the hakapik is approximatly 1,4 meter) you raise the hakapik over your head and prepare to strike. This is the defining moment, as if you are spotted by the seal at this point, you are history. The seal will attack straight for the throat, and with its horrible talons on the back fins it will slit your guts open while its 9 inch long fangs will puncture your airways. Many many a seal hunter has been found decapitated and mutilated.

To avoid this the brave Norwegians have discovered a clever way to camouflage themselves. They found after long and nervewrecking studies that the seal is living in a close symbiose with deer and that the smell of deer comforts them, and lulls them into a safe feeling. They also discovered that by drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, the Norwegians themselves smell like deer.

Therefore, the recommended procedure prior to hunting seals is to consume at least a bottle of whisky, gin or vodka. This will produce sufficient deersmell to mask the human smell, and allow the Norwegian to get within the 1,4 meter range of the Hakapik without too extreme danger. Additionally, highly-concentrated deer urine is available at your local store for drinking or rubbing. This requires less liquid, but possibly greater side effects.

Other types of Seal[edit]

This type of Seal can be distinguished by the camouflage they wear, humanesque form, and a water mark on the front of their picture.

A very common and misunderstood type of Seal are the ones that possess a great ability to sing despite having disfigured and/or generally stupid-looking faces, but still marry supermodels. They generally enjoy writing soft love ballads and, occassionally, like to perform alongside other talentless bands/singers such as Adamski.

These types of Seals are also known to frolic in the Navy and are often seen killing numerous people with machine guns and machetes. These seals also are very sneaky but not quite as sneaky as a Ninja one could say. These Seals also think their name is an acronym for Super Eager to Anihilate Land and Seamonkies or S.E.A.L.S.


Seal is currently married to Retarded super-model Heidi Klum. They have a litter of pups.

Seal and his wife, Heidi Klum.


The only problem with this is of course the King Eagle. The King Eagle just loves deer, and it can smell the fine deersmell from miles away. So just as the Norwegians thought they were safe and could go about killing seals, they are now attacked from above.

See also[edit]