Sears

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Sears.
The new Sears logo
Typical Sears products

Before the iron fist of Wal-Mart, there was Sears, a great consumer retail empire that has dominated the Universe since sometime before the crust had cooled. God saw what it was, and he at first thought that it was good. But is was not good. In fact they busted his watch when he took it in for a simple and routine battery change. He was so angry that he actually decided to force all Sears employees to not go to Hell but rather they must now suffer the much worse fate of having to attend a Justin Bieber concert, daily.

No longer considered the ugly stepsister of Bloomingdales, Macy's, and Abercrombie & Fitch, it has taken command over the entire clothing industry and put countless hardware stores out of business. This uber hip franchise is the place for the suave and sophisticated youth of today to hang out on Fri. and Sat. nites. Sears has built and maintained an impenetrable image of sturdy sturdiness throughout the years which serves it well to this day. The no nonsense shirts, nurse-cut pants, cast iron jeans, linoleum floors, and no frill dressing rooms are nearly impossible for today's teens to resist.

Sears Employees have most recently been known to discuss the devastating attacks on air conditioner repairman by Koala bears in aisle 6. Known for it's mullet-clad legion of death rockers, Sears is planning a hostile ruthless takeover of all old ladies underpants.

Sears is controlled by Oprah who plans on using it as a way to broadcast herself and her religion to world.

Upcoming Promotions[edit]

  • Free Beer Tomorrow
  • Elvis Presley and John F. Kennedy will do a duet every Friday from the year 69 onwards.
  • The price of lemons wil rise from 13.37$ a milligram to 101.101$ for reasons linked to the Kool-Aid strike in Ouagadougo.
  • Pieces of your local Kmart store for 99 cents each.
  • Buy a 2 Year In-Home Master Protection Agreement on a $20 product for only $299.99 when you use your mom's Sears Card