Septimus Pretorius

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Doctor Septimus Sextus Quintus Quartus Tertius Secundus Primus Pretorius VII is an insane yet brilliant scientist and an admirer of Victor, Baron von Frankenstein. Or at least he was until he met him and discovered he was a complete wuss. Pretorius however was not having of any of Victor's whining, bitch (snap fingers twice over head, once on the right, once on the left) and abducted his wife, forcing Victor to take part in his experiment.

Early life and career[edit]

Pretorius was born to a poor yet devout family of Roman Catholics. This put him off Christianity for life. He attended a public school where he was a tad unpopular on account of flirting with the lads and killing them when they rejected his amorous advances. He was however brilliant at science which made him quite unpopular with the teachers because he was better than all of them and didn't exactly keep quiet about it. He had a lot of girlfriends however (but not the way you or I would have them, more in a "Hey girlfriend" sort of way). At the age of fifteen he went to Cambridge (but not before blowing up his school) to study Science, Metaphysics and Cosmetics. He went on to receive a doctorate, patented his own line of perfume ("Malevolence": The Scent of the Diabolical") and was excepted at The Prestigiously Prestigious Institute of Science and Stuff where he developed a taste for cigars and gin. He was booted out after they discovered that he'd used a Transformo-Ray to turn his parents into rats which he experimented on.

Having been "booted", he went on to pursue a career as an evil genius and supervillain. Among his many successes were creating a genetically modified brand of the Common Cold which came to be known as the Black Plague and using London as a test-subject, causing the Great Fire of London to eradicate all evidence of his research, the founding of Scholomance Academy of Evil Doers and writing the world's first script for High School Musical which was lost for many years until somebody as insane and villainous as Pretorius found it. He also created the blue-print for the Death Star which was later found by his descendant, Emperor Palpatine and the world's first death ray which unfortunately was destroyed by his arch-nemesis Mister Darcy. Soon after this he became interested in creating a master race.

Encounter (ahem) with Victor Frankenstein[edit]

At the age of sixty, Pretorius learned of the research of Doctor Victor Frankenstein, an English Baron who had learnt how to create life (without any help from Darth Plagueis). For a chap with a god-complex like Pretorius's this was like getting a new pair of Jimmy Choos. He made haste to Frankenstein's Castle where he met the good doctor for the first time. He was soon to discover that Frankenstein, far from being the deranged megalomaniac Pretorius had been expecting was in fact a foppish, whiny bitch with a bad comb-over and worse, he was married.

Pretorius nevertheless, befriended Frankenstein and urged him to help create a female version of the Monster he had not long since created. Pretorius's plan was to create an Eve to the Monster's Adam and thus sire a new race of superhumans. With an army of them at his command, Pretorius would be able to make slaves of the human race and become Master of the World (bwa-ha-haa).

Frankenstein however was having marriage problems and was in no mood for Pretorius's insane dreams of power so he backed out of the plan. Pretorius however had befriended the Monster (every mad scientist needs an assistant) and sent him to kidnap Frankenstein's wife and hold her captive in a nearby cave. With Frankenstein's wife as his hostage, the deranged doctor forced Franky to help him create the Monster's Bride. Finally the Bride was complete but of course to bring her to life, Pretorius needed a bolt of lightning. Fortunately there was a rather convenient lightning storm on the night the Bride was completed. To witness the culmination of his evil desires, Pretorius had Frankenstein's wife brought to the lab.

Oh dear[edit]

Once the Bride was awakened however, not only did she look like Helena Bonham Carter but she found the Monster repulsive despite his similarities to Tim Burton. In a rage the Monster pulled the ridiculously unnecessary self-destruct lever on the wall (Big Red Buttons hadn't been invented then) thus blowing up the Castle. Franky and his wife miraculously managed to escape. Pretorius, the Monster and the Bride however were not so lucky.

And so ended Septimus Pretorius one of the greatest geniuses the world has ever known. There have been rumours however that Pretorius escaped the lab, sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for immortality and got a sex-change. Allegedly he is still alive in the world today under the alias Liza Mennelli.

Despite this a sequel to Bride of Frankenstein has not been planned. Damn shame.

See also[edit]