Serial killers

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“They put the laughter in manslaughter

~ Me on serial killers

Known for many years as Cereal Killers (see image top-right), these individuals have been misunderstood. They have commonly been thought of as mimes seeking attention. Beginning in the year 1 AD (The death of Christ), Serial Killers have been known worldwide. Please note that Genocide is often confused with Serial Killers, this is not a fallacy, this is true. Most Serial Killers such as Whoopie Goldberg, "W.", Captain Kirk, and Robin Hood were known for their genocidal influences in each of their killings. People who do not like sour cream and guacamole on their mexican food are also highly probable to become a serial killer.

Well-known Serial Killers[edit]

Ronald spreads his joy with young children. A very RED-coloured joy, that is.
  • The most notorious serial killer in History however was Cain of 'Cain and Abel' fame who was Adam and Eve's youngest sprog. Tired of constantly playing second fiddle to his brother, the Super Shepherd and all round goody two shoes Abel, he promptly and violently got rid of the annoying twat. However as there were only four people alive in the world at that time, he had literally just murdered a quarter of the earths population, a record yet to be equalled although the bubonic plague did make its own stab at the title in the middle ages and there has been much media coverage of Swine Flu's 2009 attempt which is currently ongoing.
  • Ronald McDonald[1] (seen right), was known for h]], was arrested before he was able to kill anybody, his Minority Report showed this. He was planning on killing: Twelve drummers drumming, Eleven pipers piping, Ten lords a-leaping, Nine ladies dancing, Eight maids a-milking, Seven swans a-swimming, Six geese a-laying, Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree!
  • Aich Faiiiv, well known messiah, guitarist for SofaCane, and survivor of the great Rock Wars of 2050, is also suspected of being behind the planning of Columbine, Waco, September 11th, World War 2, Pantera, and The Murder of Kurt Cobain. He also has been known to be the head of the American Mafia family 'Aiello', which is responsible for the deaths of Tom Fou, James Hynes, John Dillinger, and John Fitzgerald Kennedy.
  • Santa Clause, was the inspirate for all of Ronald's actions, Santa Clause was known as the Gothic Killer, and killed anybody with a paperwhite colored face. During his first spree in 1492 he managed to kill 19 Albino children aboard the Niña, Pinta, and the Santa Maria. Later, on his second spree he continued his wrath on the night of December 24, 1987. He managed to kill 15% of the world's children population.
Tom Cruise Kills his first Victim.
  • Tom Cruise (seen left), was known for the deaths of all Major TV show hosts, including but not limited to: Oprah, Dr. Phil, Maury, Judge Judy, Larry King, Bob Barker, Ryne Sandberg, and many others. All of these heinous acts were implanted in his mind by Elron Hubbard, the creator Scientology. Hubbard did all of this because he was denied a television talk show of his own, so he sought revenge through Tom Cruise. The killings by Cruise were later referred as the "Morning Wood Massacres," because twelve tenths of the deaths involved the bludgeoning of morning show hosts with a two-by-four.
  • Whoopie Goldberg was known for the "Hollywood Squares Massacres" in which she killed everyone who has ever been on the show except Gilbert Godfrey.
  • Robin Hood killed all of his merry men and would sodomize, kill, and eat passersby.
  • Captain Kirk was later known as the "Galaxinator" and killed everybody in the galaxy Omicron Persei 8[2] with a photon torpedo.
  • Serial bus controller is well known serial killer punishing passengers without tickets. He killed from 1123 to 2245 (depending on the source).
  • Canadians, before migrating from Puerto Rico, went mad after large amounts of bad beer and imported Russian vodka that they killed Peter Pan, Donald Duck, Soraku (love child of Sora and Riku), Tom Cruise[3], and Your Mom. After their spree, they were granted a country by the United Stabteam with moose to hunt, free permafrost, stabbing implements (a complimentary gift from the Stabteam) and cheap horrible beer to call good and their own.
  • Steve the psycho barratt , this is one one of the most legendary nutters to ever live. he managed to kill his doctor that delivered him with the scalpal that cut his cock off when he was born.
  • Every United States postman deserves to be recongized among the most atrocious of all serial killers, claiming at least 38,000 people a year. Their favorite method of execution seems to be bleeding the victim to death through horrible papercuts.

Common mistakes in identifying a Serial killer[edit]

When a person kills two or more people at once, he/she is not a serial killer but a parallel killer. Parallel killers do not get the same media coverage as serial killers because people in general like serial killers best.

Some people have identified Ed Gein as a serial killer, but in fact he was a great american hero who was FOLLOWED by a unidentified serial.Ed did however stab several people in the face, but that was only because they were assholes.

Mentality of a Serial Killer[edit]

Because not all serial killers think alike, a list has been compiled of some of the most common thought processes of these beings:

  1. Eat.
  2. Hate people.
  3. Kill people.
  4. Jump the border into Mexico.
  5. Negate step four.
  6. Buy kittens.
  7. Kill people.
  8. Play Grand Theft Auto.

How to become a serial killer[edit]

How to become a serial killer in an easy three step process:

  1. Kill.
  2. Repeat as necessary.
  3. Get a college degree if you aspire to be a killer but cannot live up to the simple standards of KILLLLLLLLING!!!!!! (idiots) This can at least teach you how to be mean.get a girl friend and kill her

Everyday Life of a Serial Killer[edit]

This is a excerpt from "Mein Blah", by Count Chocula during his reign of terror:
Chapter fifty-blah:
I awoke at sunset, chocolate still resting on my lips from my extravagant indulgence at Hershey Park the night before. Chocolate was only good enough to hold me over until me next feeding of blood (chocolaty blood). I had not tasted the chocolaty goodness of blood since the passing of two and three-blahs of the moon. I arose from my bed in a introspective manner and began to question why I loved blood so much when I know it tasted nothing like chocolate, but every time blood touched my four remaining teeth my mind interpreted it as blood.
. . .
Later that night I found myself in Philadelphia, this was after a short, yet blissful, stay at the Wicked Witch of the West's mansion. After my most favorite carnal indulgence I decided it was time to go hunting for blood (chocolaty blood), and fulfill my other indulgence. After searching for the perfect candidate, I finally found a red-headed candidate who could give me the chocolaty goodness I desired. I pounced on her in the alleyway on her way home. Though it is often rare I have to fight to take my prey this night I fended of a quite retarded looking man or woman in a black and red suite. I still can't comprehend how this man managed to be so mobile while being covered in spider webs. After dispatching of my web slinging guest, I continued to get the blood from a victim who I later discovered was named Mary Jane...

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Serial Killer Quotes[edit]

"Just imagine yourself with a beautiful person, mhm nice, and then you want to have some nice sweet lovin! Now thats me too just I like them dead. And want their penises" - Jeffery Dahmer

References[edit]

  1. I hold a personal grudge against McDonald's as a former employee, So fuck McDonald's and it's stupid way of making people fat!
  2. A Well known galaxy in the Futurama Universe
  3. I think this is too many Tom Cruise refs, but I won't change it because this isn't my article. EDIT: You can never have too many Tom Cruise refs!!!


Hannabill Lector is a real cannibal, he ate around thirty people before being caught and confined to a mental institustion in the state of Navada, After around three years in the top most secure prison in the world, he escaped somehow, and is now on the loose once again! so people, do watch your selves