From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“Sevenoaks is a Kent town in Norway also”

~ Famous Geographer on Sevenoaks

“I managed to get tangled in the M25 near Maidstone, but then i got to Sevenoaks and it was only made worse”

Sevenoaks, a town in Kent, England, is named for the number of trees there used to be on the local cricket pitch. King Heinrich XVIII originally planted seven oaks in holes made by the indigenous gopher-bear, thereby naming the town and affording the local schoolmaster inspiration to name his school 'Sevenoaks'.

Housing in Sevenoaks consists of crappy mobile homes and Victorian shitholes in the north of the town, next to the fucking M25, M26, A21 and M20. Is this a bad thing? Yes, as the only places you can get to from this suburban, rich, middle class town are Maidstone, Bromley, and Lewisham. The south of the town is made up of mega-rich wannabe chavs in fucked up suburban houses. And to get there takes 15 hours.

Sevenoaks has a nasty case of Catholics, who centre round the crap school of St. Thomas.

Sevenoaks police force, many of whom are actually retarded terrorists, enjoy shooting kids with BB guns dead. They only shoot poor people.

Sevenoaks was once married to Stockport but only in first letter, and their prodigal daughter is the Internet, they also went onto produce the founders of Wikia. This marriage ended in divorce after 0.01 years, with there now being a relationship with London in the first 3 letters.

If you ask any Sevenokian, you will be informed how Sevenoaks is a wonderful, cultured place with just too many foreign people. Then ask what their monthly income is.

Sevenoaks School is world renowned for its outstanding contribution to excluding poor people, nice people and associates of the above from any form of education whatsoever. Last year the headmistress spent a total of £4.1 trillion pounds on her new flash curtains.

In 1987 six of the seven oaks blew down when Michael Fish cast a plague of wind o'er the land. Queen Elizabeth II mistakenly planted seven new oaks, thereby robbing the town of any purpose or identity whatsoever. The towns 'yoof', or 'Octoakians' are forever at conflict with the older generations, or 'Sennokians'.

Its main export is snobbery and its main industry is provisions for the peasant-underclass to 'chav' 'up' their 'motors'.

In the past few years, Sevenoaks has been infested with young hooligans. The inhabitants of the town have tried putting down rat poison, but to no avail. It just left them with an army of infuriated rats.

Sevenoaks is also lucky enough to have 300 banks estate agents and coffee bars, unfortunately as a result of this (and the closure of choices) sevenoaks now has nothing worthwhile to go to in the town center, the police patrol the pubs making them pointless and whilst there are shops, theres not nearly enough for women, and only 1 for men. The pride and joy of the town is the bagel shop, filled with delicious goodness.