Seventh Day Adventist Church

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Founders: Ellen G. White
Founding date: 1845
Governing body: Generalized Workers Consensus of Seventh-day Adventists
Organizational style: Survival of the fittest
Headquarters: Somewhere in the Bible Belt
President: Ultra Jesus
Membership: 14–15,000,000
Churches: >120,000 churches and companies
Growth: ~5% per annum (approx. 1 million accessions per year, dropout rate 35%)
Countries: As far as they can reach
Employed workers: 6,000 total employees with 6-7 figure salaries.
Schools, colleges and universities: 7,000 schools, colleges and universities; approximately 69,000 teachers and 1,300 students
Budget: $2.2 billion total completely untaxed tithes and offerings
Website: adventist.org


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Beliefs[edit]

1. The Holy Scriptures are the infallible revelation of God's will[edit]

The Holy Scriptures are the standard of character, the test of experience, the authoritative revealer of doctrines, and the trustworthy record of God's acts in history. When the Bible contradicts Ellen G. White, the former is to be taken metaphorically. When the Bible contradicts itself, an undergraduate theology degree, three years of Greek, two years of Hebrew and a Doctor of Divinity degree from Andrews University will make you lose track of the verses that made you question in the first place. When the Bible contradicts common sense, just remember that the Lord works in mysterious ways and all doubt comes from a love for sin.

2. There is one God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, a unity of three co-eternal Persons[edit]

God is immortal, all-powerful, all-knowing, and, above all, ever present. Basically, God is a junta of three controlling, know-it-all, nosy fellows who've parked themselves on your living room couch and won't take the hint that you'd like a little "me" time once in a while.

3. God the eternal Father is the Creator, Source, Sustainer, and Sovereign of all creation[edit]

God the Father is just and holy, merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness--but when he's pissed, he's PISSED.

4. God the eternal Son became incarnate in Jesus Christ[edit]

In other words, God became flesh in Jesus Christ. And when he was flesh, he was quite popular with the ladies. Although Jesus described himself accurately when he said, "Behold! I come quickly," he never failed to fulfill his promise of a second coming. And when Jesus was by himself, he could always rely on a second coming being "at hand."

5. God the Holy Ghost aided the Father and Son in Creation, incarnation and redemption and he STILL can't get no respect[edit]

God the Holy Ghost inspired the writers of Scripture, for Christ's sake, but did he get top billing? No! Barely an honorable mention.

When Jesus was incarnate, the Holy Ghost had his back, but do you think that little ingrate ever invites him over to dinner? Yeah, right.

He gives spiritual gifts to the church, but do they ever send him a thank you card? Never.

When some obnoxious little preteen asks in baptismal class what the Holy Ghost is, does the minister give him his props? No way! He just looks blank.

“How do you know what I can do if you never let me try?”

6. God is Creator of all things[edit]

In Scripture, God has revealed the authentic account of His creative activity. In six literal, 24-hour days the Lord made "the heaven and the earth" and all living things upon the earth. And if you believe that, we have this very nice bridge in Brooklyn we'd like to sell to you.

7. Nature of Man[edit]

Man and woman were made in the image of God with individuality as well as the power and freedom to think and to do. The key point in this doctrine... No such thing as immortal souls! And if you do not think and do exactly what is written in the Bible as interpreted by Ellen G. White, God WILL smite you.

8. Great Controversy[edit]

All humanity is now involved in a great controversy between Christ and Satan regarding the character of God, His law, and His sovereignty over the universe. In other words, a great cosmic drive-by in going on and humans better run and hide if they don't want to be collateral damage.

Culture and practices[edit]

Sabbath activities[edit]

What lies in wait for the wicked. You're not wicked are you? Because god WILL smite you. (Go on.. you feel a bit wicked, no? Go ahead, make his almighty day, sinners!)

The typical Sabbath afternoon consists of building bunkers for the upcoming time of trouble, staring at the sun, and screaming at passing traffic.

Health and diet[edit]

No Meat. Your diet will be dictated by the whims of Worthington Foods.

Ethics and sexuality[edit]

Strict chastity of both men and women before marriage. That means if we see that dick come out of your pants in any other place than in front of a urinal, it's getting cut off.

Dress[edit]

Adventists believe in dressing conservatively, because they believe that money is more wisely spent on paying researchers full-time salaries to pursue paleontology, sedimentology, paleoecology and molecular biology to resolve the conflict between the theory that life on earth evolved over billions of years of progressive development and the biblical account that God created the sun, the moon, the stars, the earth, the sea and all that in them is in six literal days (Geoscience Research Institute). But since they already know The Truth, the researchers generally spend their time playing Rook, making prank phone calls to the Center for Inquiry, and writing letters to Worthington Foods, begging them to bring back Nuteena.

Entertainment[edit]

For entertainment, Adventists under the age of 18 are encouraged to watch videos portraying the demise of the church and their impending torture and death at the hands of the US government.

Pathfinders[edit]

The Youth Department of the Seventh-day Adventist church runs an organization for 10- to 18-year-old boys and girls called "Pathfinders", which is where young men and women are forced to play Rook. But you gotta give them this: the organization is co-ed.

Organization[edit]

Tithing and Offering[edit]

Adventists feel compelled to tithe. If faced with their situation, wouldn't you?

Membership[edit]

Long story short, 100 people join, 35 people leave, 55 people die of old age.

Adventist Mission[edit]

The mission of the church is to make the prices of anti-psychotic and anti-depressive drugs skyrocket, in turn putting money into the pockets of their corporate pharmaceutical friends. The SDAs build the hospitals, charge 4 times what a normal hospital would and then claim to perform a service to those in need.

Ellen G. White describes the solar system in a heavenly trance.

Health[edit]

Adventists have figured out how to live into their mid 90's making it so that one can have many years of wondering why they lived so long doing as others in the church told them to. Studies also show that lifelong members of the Seventh Day Adventist Church often die of a broken heart. They never had a chance...

Humanitarian aid and the environment[edit]

For over 50 years the SDA church has thrown money at poverty, by forcing students of their various schools to construct churches in places that they can extort money from. If a church is built in a small village, they'll be able to take 10% of SOMETHING for Christ's sake!

Religious liberty[edit]

You are granted complete liberty for how you live your life, what you eat and what you do in your free time. Just kidding. Listen to the church or ye shall be cast out. If you are "lukewarm," they shall spit you from their mouths. (Revelation 3:16)

Media[edit]

Public Relations are not the expertise of most Adventists, they tend to hiss and fart when cornered or questioned. The latest PR scandal is with a small boy named Rodney Vega. His father was a pastor for the church, but an Adventist run hospital in Florida denied him the care and $20,000 brain surgery that was needed, and he passed away on December 10, 2006. Sorry Rodney, but Maybach payments don't make themselves. We'll see you in heaven though!

Here's Rodney's story

And a totally unrelated but similar New Zealand incident

Offshoots and schisms[edit]

Throughout the history of the denomination, there have been a number of groups who have left the church and formed their own movements. Because if God does exist, SDAs know how to make him look stupid.

See Also[edit]