Sex shop

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Adult neon.gif NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!
The article you are looking at may not be work safe!

...Although, since you're already here it's kind of too late for this warning to actually be useful.

If a boss or coworker sees this article, claim that it was spam and blame the IT guys. Otherwise, continue to read it until your lewd urges are satisfied.

^disregard that^

^And That^

A detailed history of the sex shop[edit]

Since the earliest squirrel creature suggested something slightly different to try while mating man and beast alike have searched for new ways to pleasure themselves. The earliest known record of creatures doing this was during the proctonic age from witch we have fossilised badgers said to be caught in a position of mating, scientist and weird zooaphile Dr Ralph McWevel says:

“It was an emotional discovery for everyone, we had thought the proctonic age was a hormonal one but the way the badgers where fossilised suggests that bovine orgies of up to seventeen participating individuals took place, and what in even more astonishing is that some of the badgers seem to be using tools to mate.”

Of course these finds are rare as many of these act did not take place under falling lime stone and where not preserved as fossils. Old cave paintings have also shown creatures of our ancestors using implements during mating and the Aboriginal dream world is full of it, they love it.

It is hard to say when the first sex shops where established, it is highly possible that our ancestors would barter and trade for such implements, but from the earliest market place people all over the world have cashed in on peoples desire to be penetrated by weird objects.

People have often found themselves at home within the walls of a sex shop and in times of old the humbled porn shop owner was a powerful member of the community, much to the envy of the blacksmith trade. Of course with the invention of money and greed by white people in the 19th century commercial interest crept into the market place and the humble sex stool turned into a massive franchise, out selling both wool and slaves in the British Empire.

As man evolved we waved goodbye to sticks and leaves and created new ways to change how we mate, as our ancestors experimented so our need for perversion grew and by the late homeoglorific age same sex humans began to mate, a stage of or evolution that has effected some gene lines even today. The noteworthy thing in all of this was that we began to develop tools for both hunting and mating, and as we developed further and created currency so these tools became available to purchase. Today, like most other things these tools can be brought from a shop, called a sex shop.

Unlike the primitive wooden sticks and sanded lime stone used in prehistoric orgies today synthetic materials are used to create a wide range of mating devises that come in all shapes and species, It was in Holland that the sex trade really took hold, with now two thirds of its people claiming a profit from the world market in lude conduct, also note worthy is the Dutch defiance of international law on both cannabis and wind mills.

Ed Ward Nob El[edit]

It was the second world war, the most popular of the two, that became the inspiration and drive behind the biggest sex shop franchise known to both man and beast alike. Ed Ward Nob El was born to a rich French family in 1927 and grew up in the high-class world surrounded by Paris's richest people, so it was no surprise that a life of perversion was to follow. After surrendering to the Nazi army, Paris became one of the lucky occupied countries of Hitler’s empire. With it came the responsibility of entertaining the German troops, a job Nob El was to make his fortune in. Seeing an opportunity to win favour with the occupying force Nob El quickly set up a brothel and began to make a profit from the shame his nations weakness had brought the country. With some fine ass Nob El was able to attract Nazi solders into his establishment and soon became well trusted and respected, even said to have played host to some of Hitler’s most senior officers.

When the war was finally over, the score allied forces 2 – Germany + traitors 0, Nob El found that he was able to expand his business and “Nob EL Sex Implemente” was born.

From those first few years of the depression to this very day Nob El Sex Implemente has been a trade mark that is seen by many as one that stands for quality, a notion that is backed up by the companies slogan ‘Our company name stands for quality”. Nob El has a record number of shops all over the world and has even invented some of the world’s most penetrative technology.

Today it would be hard to imagine the high street without a Nob El Implemente shop, however we must not forget that it was the greed of its founding founder that pushed the companies to such heights.

What do sex shops sell?[edit]

Different sex shops sell different things but some things that you would expect to find are

  • Dildo - penis shaped devise used to penetrate any hole on the body; a good sex shop will let you try before you buy, as it is good to make sure it fits.
  • Butt plug – a small device used to plug the bum, waste is collected up for a number of days before being used as a natural lubricant.
  • Livestock – many sex shops will offer a range of alternate mates, popular species include sheep, badger, sloworm and cat. Each animal can be used in creative ways but a good idea is to rent first and experiment.
  • Porn – pictures of other people having sex that make the viewer jealous and more in need of a mate, this lust can then be used to inspire the lone person into getting a mate or firing one off under the keyboard.