Sexy guy

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The myth of 'Sexy Guy' is probably one of the most persistant in World-wide folklore, especially among females. There are growing numbers of males suffering from the delusion that they are this creature (levels have increased from one in 32AD to approximately 3 billion in 2009AD).

Classic Story[edit]

The story is told in a number of different ways (in fact, there are nearly as many stories as there are tellers). Generally it is told from the point of view of a young, innocent, sexy girl, which the teller usually imagines herself to be. In rare cases it is told from the point of view of a young, innocent, sexy boy, but since these are a figment of the teller's imagination this form of the story is generally scorned by experts.

Anyway, the girl (we will call her <insert name here>) is out somewhere when she sees Sexy Guy. <insert name here> instantly becomes infatuated with him and convinces herself that she is the 'one' for him. Mostly, after this, the teller sighs and leaves the rest to her audience's imagination. The end of the actual story varies hugely, although mostly takes the form of <insert name here> meeting Sexy Guy again and realising that he really isn't so sexy after all, or is a total dickhead instead.

Forms of Sexy Guy[edit]


Generally spotted on the lids of Marmite jars, in slices of toast, on lunchboxes (only men ever find these, and never on their own lunchboxes. It's just... very hard to peel someone's banana without having a quick peek at the actual lunchbox, isn't it?) or in McDonalds burgers. Some women fantasise that Sexy Jesus cared about them enough to die for them, although this is an unproven theory and has led to widespread derision, considering that the women concerned are often middle-aged to old and are married to boring farts who drone about sin and pain and misery (but not the shadow of the wind) non-stop. Poor girls. They need a bit of fantasy to brighten up their lives.

Film Actor[edit]

In this form, the teller usually imagines herself to be every woman who has ever played opposite him in a film, even that dastardly matriach with the curlers. It also allows for a wonderfully wide choice of settings and happenings - after all, if one man is capable of being both a dashing pirate and a demon barber, it's just too good to be true, isn't it? This sexy man is often said to be good in bed and have a large penis, but this is usually just supposition.

Pop Star[edit]

Females who imagine these people to be Sexy Guy are often very young (approximately ten) and therefore have wonderfully unsophisticated minds. They are therefore the only 'tellers' whose imaginary stories finish happily ever after, because they don't know better. The men concerned generally have short hair and are clean-shaven, which happens to be the stereotype for Sexy Guy (see how early some people get brainwashed?)

The Boss[edit]

Invariably short-haired and clean-shaven, he also radiates an air of professional power. There are great advantages to thinking The Boss is Sexy Guy - he may be (if the female is hot enough) persuaded to take a blowjob off her and should enjoy it so much he gives her a pay rise. This is in theory, and the theory is always sk(r)ewed.

Rock Star[edit]

The tellers of these stories generally feel confident enough about their sexuality that they do not feel it to be threatened by a rotten fish. They generally like long hair and bulging groins, as well as egos that smite mountains. However they are ALWAYS liars, because everyone knows that the rock star is never seen outside his limo except with exceptionally good binoculars. And it will always be the slutty chicks fucking them, because the rock stars are blind except to bare female skin, so they cannot see normal women.

Guy Over There[edit]

The Guy Over There is another short-haired loser, but varies otherwise. Sometimes he is 'kinda cute'; sometimes he is just 'soo manly'. This form of Sexy Guy is probably the most common after Film Actor and Pop Star.

Metal Star / Black Hole[edit]

These, women, are the coolest (however they are also DEFINITELY the oddest). There are several forms of the Metal Star. One is the (all too common) Thor Wannabe. These men have long hair, long beards and pretend to have broadswords. They are armed (with an axe and extremely dangerous, especially when fighting the world). Another type is the Baldie, generally seen vomiting into a mic. These are even more dangerous. Then there are the Goth Metallers, who wear eye-make-up and are pale, long-haired, skinny and very sexy. They aren't generally dangerous, except psychologically (if they're hot enough, the track 'Join Me In Death' takes on a whole new significance.)

Damn, I can't type all the different kinds of metal people! See metalhead for more.

The best type, according to most sources, is the 'classic' metal star. For these, however, you have to find a time machine... (because come on, Ozzy isn't quite cutting it anymore...)

It Is A Dream[edit]

If the teller of the story ever sees this 'Sexy Guy' and talks to him in real life, she invariably finds that he's not so sexy after all. If that fails, then the Extinction Cult has rigged it so that she discovers his irretrievably dickhead nature before he can possibly shoot his seed inside her. Which is, of course, a very good thing for the millions of women who have been saved slavery to these men. The Extinction Cult is estimated to have overtaken 'God' in popularity by 2012, so that the world can recover from the cold horror of the London Olympics undistracted by Sexy Guys and their ilk.

The Sexy Guy Conspiracy[edit]

The Sexy Guy Conspiracy is a well-known film by Oscar Wilde. In it, a group of no-hoper geeks get together to become Sexy Guy, but can't decide who Sexy Guy is. Due to this, each geek interviews a girl and becomes the Sexy Guy she describes. Cue some incredibly funny antics (you'll just have to trust me on this, I'm afraid) when one of the women's Sexy Guy turns out to be a woman, when one turns out to be Jesus and another Godzilla

Women and Sexy Guy[edit]

For sensible women (the only ones not discussed in this article) Sexy Guy is thought of much in the same way that many people think of the Easter Bunny, Santa, the Rolling Stones and God.

For silly women and blondes, Sexy Guy is God.