Sgt. Reznov

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
All-Tsar Bloodbath-er Sgt. Reznov doesn't need his trigger finger; His gun shoots when he tells it to shoot.

There is much mystery surrounding the mystery of Sgt. Reznov. Information had to be gathered from every other possible source, because, according to Reznov, we "Uncyclopidiots" are only qualified enough to be "beaten and suffocated by his fur hat." We did confirm, though, through little to no study (also known as the Uncyclopedia way), that Sgt. Reznov, an officer Sergeant in the Red Army, is the alpha-male of the human race. He admits at some points in the game he does enjoy communism. And he also says "for Mother Russia."

The Playoffs of '45[edit]

Sgt. Reznov is the obvious star of Call of Duty: World at War, which focuses on the major victory of the 1945 Bloodbath playoffs over the Berlin Blitz by the Moscow Mob. He leads you, along with many, many, expendable Russians, through the bowels of the Nazi Reich. During an interview after the game, he wanted to continue the fight with "those damn Nazis (as zombies)" (from Nazi Zombies Mode). Normally, Sgt. Reznov won't acknowledge any fellow humans, but if they can reach round 1337 of Nazi Zombies, he may consider them inferior. Sgt. Reznov has a career high 39,000 (bullet) hits and a stunning .951 average.

Sgt. Reznov never smiles. His icy stare makes you have thoughts of how awful a father he would be.

Other Ventures[edit]

Sgt. Reznov turns out vast quantities of fur coats for "real men" and vast quantities of raw meat-flavored chewing gum. Sgt. Reznov uses his scent rather than a trademark or brand name to identify his coats.

In his spare time, Sgt. Reznov likes to do impressions of his (unworthy) team-mates, practice Olympic diving (a skill useful in saving your life in CoD: WaW), and listen to traditional Russian choral music.

Things he does not care for include dead teammates, with the exception of Pvt. Chernov.

Quick Facts[edit]

  • Sgt. Reznov could spit in Capt. MacMillan's direction and kill him AND Chuck Norris.
  • The Nazi Zombies of CoD: WaW were resurrected only by Sgt. Reznov's pissed drive.
  • Sgt. Reznov is missing his trigger finger, which was blown off in the beginning innings of the 1945 Bloodbath playoffs vs. the Berlin Blitz.
  • Sgt. Reznov inspired this article by turning in his grave and looking in the author's direction.
  • There is not enough alcohol in the world to get Sgt. Reznov drunk.
  • Sgt. Reznov will not reveal his first name, or has no first name at all.
    • Those who learn his first name or guess it correctly suffer Candlejack Syndr-*shot*
  • Sgt. Reznov frowns upon dog/cock-fighting.
  • Sgt. Reznov is the supposed father of Carmine.
  • Sgt. Reznov has tentacle raped every anime chick that ever lived. So now when you watch your hentai, that's not a tentacle monster, that's Sgt. Reznov's dick reaching across from Mother Russia to Japan. Yes, his dick is in fact, the only tentacle monster that ever existed. Any other reports of other tentacle monsters are capitalist lies and you will be sniped by Reznov if you think differently.
  • Kill anyone he knows (and he knows every single Russian and Nazi in the multiverse), and Sgt. Reznov will shred you with 72 PPsH bullets at once. And the gun can only have 71 bullets at a time. Yes, Reznov is just that awesome.

World Wars
I | II | II ½ | III | IV | VI |
The Second World War II | World War Revolution | World War Collectors Boxset | The Video Game | The Sequel to the Video Game | The Board game| The Film | World War What | World War Craft

All communists
Kim Jong-il | Lenin | Mao | Marx | Stalin