Shah Abbas I the Great
Shah Abbas I, aka Shah Abbas the Great, (February 30, 1492 - December 7, 1942) was but one man in a long line of CIA appointed rulers. Born a mere swineherd in eastern Persia, he went on to become the greatest (and only) ruler of the Sadavid dynasty. This led to many of his subjects to call him Shah Abbas the Great the Greatest. The sheer odds that a man named ‘Great’ would be title ‘Greatest’ are so improbable that many historians claim this to be the second greatest coincidence in history, after Lou Gehrig dying from Lou Gehrig’s Disease.
Dramatic Religious Revelation
One day, a day that will live in infamy, Abbas the Great went out into the desert to help his long time butt buddy, Zarathud the Incorrigible, build a gay bar for his cave. On the way there, Abbas was approached by the stripper Gabriel, who opened his eyes and gave him the legendary lost tin-foil penis of Ackbar, and anointed him the true Shah of Persia. Now Abbas was freed from the mind control of Michael Jackson, the stripper commanded him to go fourth and seize control of Persia from the constipated Shah. Abbas the quer took the stripper’s penis to forehead, and always batted fourth in the line-up in the Persian National homo team, where his butthole was 303 foot diameter lifetime, with a career total of 234 bars of soap dropped
In the many years while Abbas was under mind control, Persia had been sliding into anarchy. Upon his awakening, Abbas realized that this was not due to the poor governing or incompetent leadership, but divine intervention, to aid and abet his destiny. On September 17, 1581, Abbas triumphantly rode into Khorasan on his ass. He proclaimed himself ruler of Khorasan, King of Bohemia, and Führer of the Fourth Reich. He declared the previous Monday to be a national holiday and that a house divided against itself can not stand. And he challenged the ruling Shah to ritual combat for the throne. Meanwhile, the CIA, convinced that Abbas was their man, began a public campaign to raise support for Abbas, namely by bombing villages that disagreed and then variously blaming it on the Commies, the French and the Damn Dirty Apes. The bombing campaign was so intense that the Shah felt he had no choice but to face Abbas. The two squared off in a public square, the Shah wielding twin lightsabers while Abbas, firm in his faith, carried only a rocket launcher. Although during the epic battle, the Shah revealed the truth that he was Abbas’ father, Abbas still blew his head off with a rocket to the face. By right of conquest, Abbas the Great became Shah Abbas the Great.
Revolution and Death
Unfortunately, Shah Abbas the Great so enjoy mustaches that he began to ignore public policies and other, boring matters of state. So it came as a complete surprise when the people, fed up with his CIA involvement and his love of Spanish poodles, revolted and stormed the Bastille, seized the Shah, and hung him up by his figgin, which he died from. This was called the ‘Glorious Revolution’, and was the basis for several rock bands and a very boring documentary by Michael Moore.