Shakespeare's Poo Lit Soliloquy
ACT 1: INTO THY JUDGEMENT DEAR FELLOWS OF UNCYCLOPEDIA
- NARRATED BY RICHARD BURTON:
To write, or not to write? That is the question: Whether it is nobler on the internet to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Users or to take Arms against a sea of defecated flames of the unexpected?
When we have shuffled off this competitive nature, we must give pause. There is the reasoning which doth make comedy on this site the greatest; for who would bear the Whips and Scorns of Wikipedia? Hold thy man-bosoms up with pride.
Hath an Uncyclopedian not flesh? If you are serious to our face do we not cry in agony? Thus, having no Conscience as a comedy writer does NOT maketh Cowards of us all! Thus! The native hue which doth make the site colored in fecal brown, bares no light to the color of seriousness. Sicklied are we to the pale cast of facts and truth.
Speak the speech as I have pronounced it to you. Do not play too much with your phallic implement but use all gently as a writing tool; for in the very torrent of porn, you must acquire and beget a temperance that may give it smoothness.
Oh, it offends me to the soul to hear a robustious fellow tear his penis to tatters, to very rags, to split it because he suffers boredom. Pray you avoid it! Take thy hand to this site and create levity. Thou must not abuse oneself, but abuse fact.
Let your own humor sense be your tutor. Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, with this special observance, you shall make others laugh. For anything so overdone with laughs, is surely divine and just?
Now, let this be thy oath, make the unskilful Wikipedia grieve! Speak it profanely, we are Uncyclopagans! Not mere mortals writing upon the slate of monotony.
Oh we shall reform the world altogether, and let those that are clowns beat those that are serious in a bloody battle. They will themselves laugh when we beat them with feathers, the spectators will laugh too when we beat them with leaves when we have exhausted our feathers.
How noble you are to be on the quest of infinite laughter. To express thy penis upon the page is admirable, how like a god you are! The beauty of satire, the paragon of words and yet to me, what is this quintessence of humor? It is to smile.
ACT 2: NOOB IS A WRITER OF DIS-CONTENT
The Noob is a writer of dis-content, the empty vessel of ignorance is thy inspiration. God hath made his intentions known; we must all become devoid of content. The Noob must lose their virginity by displaying vulgar humor! Away with't! 'Tis against the rule of the site to be a vulgarity-virgin!
O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I! Is it not monstrous that I write here? Is it all but in fiction that I perceive the world? I dream of destroying fact. The dull and muddy-mettled rascal that is an encyclopedia shall kneel at my article. Who calls me villain? Plucks off my beard and blows it in my face? Shaves off my pubes and glues them to my nose? Who does me this? Dull people do it by daring to impart factual wisdom. Oh they shall see, they shall see.
ACT 3: MERCHANT OF MENACE
A golden mind stoops not to shows of intellect and so my deserving of the prize matters not. In graces, and in qualities of writing I strive; but more than this, your laughter I do deserve. What if I strayed no farther and stopped my quill? Would you misseth me not? You may say: 'Who chooseth this writer shall gain what many men desire; money!" But... Alas! All the world desires the Poo lit Surprise, from the four corners of the internet they come to kiss this shrine, this fire-breathing saint. So whomever you chooseth this time; chooseth the one with the greatest man-bosoms.
|Poo Lit Surprise-Winning Article|
This article was chosen as the Best Noob Article in the Summer 2012 Poo Lit Surprise writing competition.