Shaquille O'Neal

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Black Jesus?

“Don't lose no $40 million on shitty ass movies, don't build no damn Shaq-bot, don't play on the Suns, and oh yeah, be a friend, but not with that bitch Kobe... Pass me the ball... And don't be rapin'... You listening to me, Kobe? Shaq Attaq FTW!”

~ Shaq on 5 grams of magic mushrooms
Left: What Shaq looks like today.
Right: Computer generated image of what Shaq will look like in "Black Kramer vs. Kramer"
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Shaquille O'Neal.

Shaquille "Shaq" sweaty ball Jones bchs "Do you want me to JAM??!?!!" O'Neal is the greatest Irish basketball player to have ever lived, growing up on the mean streets of Dublin and bringing the pain every night on da mean streets of Ulster. He is the third cousin removed from Irish playwright James Joyce. "SHAQ" is also the code-name of one of the greatest rap artists to have ever lived, whose identity is assumed to be the same as the Irish basketball player by the same name, but has yet to be proven due to his elusive nature. When he raps "Do you want me to jam?", people DO NOT say "Yea!" (as in the song); in reality, ladies immediately take off their panties and beg for it while men fall to their knees in awe of his skills. He is also known as "That fat fuck basketball player wit dem big ass sized mother fuckin' shoes". Also, Shaq is known for being a world-renowned cricket player that was once great, but had he not lost $40 Million on investing in "Kazzam II: I dream of my dick being able to touch the ground...oh shit der go my legs", he wouldn't need millions of dollars to pay off his bills, or need to play in the WNBA. Shaq is now a freak side-show attraction for the Boston Feltdicks where the stoned college kids adore the star of their favorite retro game "Shaq Fool". He has played for pretty much every team in the league that could afford his overpaid big fat ass, although, he hasn't been worth shit since the days he was a L.A Raper with his now ex teammate & arch nemesis Kobe "My teammates hate me" Bryant.

The Arrival of the Sweaty ball jones[edit]

Shaq's parents, a Shaqsquatch named Juwanna Mann and a smelly green ogre named ShreQ, mated and the end result was a baby ogre from his mommas snatch-squatch that they decided to call Shaquille due to the ill effects of the drugs they gave her at birth had not worn off yet.

Shaq's birth was not a fairy-tale beginning. The moment Shaq was born via a Cesarean anal cavity search, the doctor returned to the waiting room to inform Shaq's father that their had been some complications, and that the son was born with such humongous feet that they had to remove her spleen and colon in order to pull the baby out via her rectum. The doctor then told Shaq's pop that the mother would have to spend the rest of her life as a cripple, with no ability to move anything below her head, and that she was completely brain dead. He would have to feed her and change her soiled clothes for the rest of her life. Shaq's daddy began to tear up then started balling his eyes out. Thats when the doctor said, "I'm just fuckin' with ya, the bitch died, here, take this, it's is your son" and he handed the father the worlds largest turd anyone had ever seen. The father weaned baby Shaq on his deceased mothers beef curtains, while her torn open rectum became inhabited by Prairie dogs and still is to this day.

Early Shaqsquacth Life[edit]

Shaq spent most of his childhood locked in his cage with a bucket on his head playing his favorite game, "Where's the bucket?" which Shaq today still enjoys trying to find where that damn bucket is, even tho it's right there in-front of his face. He may not be able to score a bucket from say ... "free throw" distance, but he sure does known how to slam a rock into that bucket so hard that the bottom of the bucket breaks, plus, Shaq likes the sight of stuffing his balls into a hole.

It was only natural that when Shaq grew up he would want to become a basketball player. Even tho technically Shaq is just a giant turd standing at 7 feet 80 inches in height, his lack of basketball skills doesn't matter as everyone knows that the position of "center" only requires you being tall enough to block shots with your head, even if it's by sheer accident that your head just so happened to be able to get in the way as someone half your size attempts to shoot the ball at the basket.

Shaq spent his college days at the University of Chicago. As a Maroon, Shaq so utterly surpassed both opponents and teammates in height and slam-dunking that he became regarded as a kind of mother-god, and fans would shout, "Mama Shaq, Mama Shaq, Shaq's your mom, that's a fact!" Shaq shared a room with astronaut Carl Sagan in Burton-Judson Courts. His loyal followers at UChicago continue to revere him through youtube videos [1] and shrines[2].


His years as a Trickless Magician[edit]

Shaq not even aware of people in Florida hanging onto his big fat ass for dear life

After Shaq had been paid his first millions of dollars for his big fat ass to block shots and dunk on people smaller then him playing college basketball, he became the 69th overall pick for the Orlando Slamdicks. Shaq began earning as much money as he did playing for Northern Alaska Tech, and worth every last penny too, as Shaq spent his first few years in the WNBA dunking, and blocking shots with his ass, while also tearing down backboards and ripping the house down which became known as the "Shaq Attaq" because he kept attacting and breaking all the shit around him like a 2 year old retard learning to crawl and wanting to pull everything apart.

Kobe really was a bad influence on Shaq.

L.A Grim Raper[edit]

Shaq would find himself traded off to the other side of the force when he was enlisted by the Los Angeles Rapers after Orlando figured there is no point paying a giant rim wrecking turd that much money if he couldn't win them a championship. So now traded to L.A., Shaq would rape the basket with his balls as much as he liked. L.A. lead by Shaq managed to somehow win three championships in a row, leaving the idiots back in Orlando jumping around and cussing about it just before the wind picked up and blew their boneheaded desicion making asses out to sea.

During his time with L.A., Shaq had the misfortune of having to play with the latest Michael Jordan wannabe, which meant that Shaq would get pissed off that their was ANOTHER ball hog on the team. The rapist man we are talking about is Kobe Bryant. Shaq and Kobe started off as okay friends, but when Kobe started averaging 12 steals a game, from Shaq's hands, Shaq started to get really upset and threatening Kobe that if he didn't start passing him the ball, he would sit on him with his tremendously fat ass. This however did not phase Kobe, and proved that he may just be the next Michael Jordan after Kobe was found to be cheating on his wife in hotel rooms. Shaq demanded that he be traded from L.A. and sent back home to Miami where he could shoot bricks in the sun once more.

Shaq's in Miami, Bitch![edit]

Shaq returned to Florida to play for the Miami Bitches in Heat. Along with another washed up superstar of yesteryear, Shaq and Bozo Mourning helped Miami win their first championshit and spend days celebrating by farting in L.A's general direction where Kobe could smell the sweet aroma of what real champions smell like. Over the next few years, Shaq became more and more retarded, and slowed down a lot and has become a joke of the WNBA. While Kobe has become the man of the day, Shaq is just waiting patiently to pay off his $40 million dollar debt, by playing for whatever team is dumb enough to pay him to play for, while also waiting for Kobe to slow down and not know when to quit, and that's when Shaq plans to sneak up on Kobe, and fuck HIM in the ass without his consent. But Shaq has stated now is not the time, because Kobe is at the peak of his career, and his dick doesn't require Viagra to get it up anymore.

Shaq Attack[edit]

Shaq practices the art of "Shaq Fu" which is an art of taking ten minutes to fall backwards after being fouled. Shaq is practicing the good side of the force, by sticking his dick up non-consenting white MENS assholes and not un-consenting white women's chocolate starfish. This is because Shaq believes the male anus is much stronger and thicker then a females, so Shaq's cock is getting a much stronger workout and be learning to use much more force in his penetration. Shaq has stated that his dick is much bigger and powerful then Kobe's, and once Kobe starts slowing down in his ability to run around Shaq's fat ass 30 times before Shaq can blink, then that's the day Shaq's gonna catch Kobe and fuck HIS ass without consent and teach that mother fucker a lesson about PASSING, cause Shaq says "I guarantee you Kobe mothafucka', when I get you sucka, you ain't gonna be able to pass shit right for years."


Shaq blows an opponent away with a single cum shot.

Shaquille is not just a really crappy basketball player, he is really crap at other things too. In 1993 Shaq released his first crap CD called "Shaq Diesel". There is an old saying amongst those with taste in music that the only thing worse then a rap star who thinks he is a basketball player is a basketball player who thinks he can rap. Shaq is THE living proof that those very words are true. No one could even figure out what the fuck Shaq was saying in his songs. To most it sounded like "uhh doober doober doober duur duur" and to other retards who listened to it it sounded like, "dc ym gniyub rof ssabmud a uoy". Shaq's idea of lyrics where as equally as retarded as the name he chose for the album. Often, the US military uses Shaq's rap albums to torture inmates at Guantanamo Bay, playing it on a continuous loop for days at a time until they confess.

It was if Shaq's first album wasn't enough, but every time Shaq was traded to a new team, he felt he had to destroy the already fucked up world of rap music, with a new album. Unfortunately, due to Shaq being an Ogre, no one had the balls to tell Shaq face to face that he could not sing, and should do the world a favor and make like 2Pac and just fuck off and die already. Shaq said he loved to rap cause his momma always told him how special spethshall he was at Christmas time when he would help momma wrap the presents up for all their niggas.


As if Shaq's rapping career wasn't bad enough, he even attempted to make his own brand of martial arts called; "Shaq Fool", which was the dumbest thing the world had ever seen, prior to the release of Shaq Fool: the video game, which was THE dumbest fuckin' thing ANYONE had seen until Shaq made a movie called Kazzam, which was then THE dumbest thing anyone had ever seen until Shaq lost $40 million by investing in its sequel which was THE dumbest thing any one had seen since Michael Jordan fucked up his legacy by coming out of retirement saying he wanted to be a Wizard cause of his inspiration from watching Harry Potter films.

"Learnd-ed-ded this move off my nigga Hulk Hogan, Brotha Fukka!


"Stole dis most electrifying move in sports entertainment history from my nigga Da Rock Yo"

Some of the things Shaq will be most remembered for in his WNBA career are all the opponents he injured because he forgot he was supposed to be a basketball player and thought he was a WWE superstar. Shaq would waddle out on the court and everything seemed like it would be a normal day. But then someone would get too close to Shaq and the next thing you know, Shaq's body-slammed someone to the court, ripped the whole ring support out of the floorboards and began smashing unbreakable glass backboards over their heads.

This would enrage the coach as he and his teammates kept trying to tell Shaq that he was a GAY basketball player, not a GAY sports entertainer. Shaq seemed to get confused by this a lot. And it took a lot of effort to stop a giant brain-dead turd from going King Kong on peoples ass whenever the ball would smack into Shaq's head and he would spin around in a daze before he smiled, rolled his eyes into the back of his head and said, "WHATCHA GONNA DO, WHEN SHAQ DOES A ROODY POOH-POOH ALL OVER YOU-YOU". The end result of broken bones and injured basketball players where devastating, but not quite as devastating as when Shaq would drop his draws and drop a Cleveland Cava-Steamer on his downed opponent for the home crowed that he entitled "The Shaq-Attack-Crap". However, spectators still sell some of Shaq's memorabilia shit on EBay for, like Shaq's pay check, over priced numbers.


  1. [1] "Mama Shaq, Mama Shaq, Shaq's your mom, that's a fact!" original music video.
  2. [2] Mama Shaq, Mama Shaq, Shaq's your mom, that's a fact!

National Basketball Association (2010)
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division: Boston Celtics | New Jersey Nets | New York Knicks | Philadelphia 76ers | Toronto Raptors
Central Division: Chicago Bulls | Cleveland Cavaliers | Detroit Pistons | Indiana Pacers | Milwaukee Bucks
Southeast Division: Atlanta Hawks | Charlotte Bobcats | Miami Heat | Orlando Magic | Washington Wizards
Western Conference
Northwest Division: Denver Nuggets | Minnesota Timberwolves | Portland Trail Blazers | Oklahoma Team Stealers | Utah Jazz
Pacific Division: Golden State Warriors | Los Angeles Clippers | Los Angeles Lakers | Phoenix Suns | Sacramento Kings
Southwest Division: Dallas Mavericks | Houston Rockets | Memphis Grizzlies | New Orleans Hornets | San Antonio Spurs
Other Articles: NBA Finals | All-Star Game | NBA Draft | Current team rosters |