Shipping and handling
Shipping and Handling refers to the method which handlers, gropers, molestors, and self-gratifiers devote their lives to the postal service. This is how the term "to service someone" came about, in reference to sexual acts. From all over the country, perverts of all manner have been given the sole duty to lather up every parcel from every locale with their own brand of evil love.
Dwight Q. Eisenhower first created the Shipping and Handling fees when he felt that the American parcels were not recieving as much man-love as those in France. In a stout campaign to retain American supremacy in the field of endowing inanimate objects with human secretions, propaganda began circulating that while those over 18 should join in the The GI Joe-Transformers War, the pubescent should sign up with the postal service to guarantee that no American letter or box would ever go without a good man-handling. This measure recieved unanimous support throughout the government, as everyone working for Uncle Sam at the time believed it a patriotic duty to out-do the french and make them look even more like pansies.