Shitland

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“Even we don't want Tamia

~ Shitlanders on Tamia Hill
Shitland
Shitlandë
la Shitlandque
Flag of Shitland Coat of Arms of Shitland - Manneke Pis
(Flag) (Coat of Arms - Manneke Pis)
Motto: United through hatred
Anthem: "Technotronic - Pump up the jam"
Capital According to the Dutch-speaking part of Shitland: Antwerp(Named Anvers by the French speaking part of Shitland). According to the French-speaking part of Shitland: Namur(named Namen by the Dutch speaking part of Shitland). According to the German-speaking part of Shitland: Vielsalm (non-existant according to the rest of Shitland). According to the people who live in Brussels: Brussels.
Largest city According to the Dutch-speaking part of Shitland: Antwerp(Named Anvers by the French speaking part of Shitland). According to the French-speaking part of Shitland: Liège(named Luik by the Dutch speaking part of Shitland). According to the German-speaking part of Belgium: Eupen (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium). According to the people who live in Brussels: Brussels.
Official languages Dutch with a poor accent, French with a poor accent, German with a poor accent, Arabic with a poor accent, Russian with a poor accent, English with a poor accent
Government Grand Poo-bah
National Heroes Television
Independence Nu! (Dutch for "now") Jamais! (French for "never") Zurück nach Deutschland! (German for Back to Germany)
Currency Crapolas
Religion Holy Marde
Population According to Dutch- and German-speaking part, there aren't any Shitlanders. According to the French-speaking part, there are about 10 million le Landers d' Shit, of wich approximately 4 million are superior to the other 6 million
A typical Shitlandish soaking up the public toilet
Tintin wants you to keep it a secret: he is hiding something in the seat of his pants!
The Shitlandish
Current president (right) and vice-president (left) of Shitland . Mwoa Gertje!

Shitland is a small state of confusion (see also Switzerland) between France to the west, Holland in the east. It's national animal is the pig. It is populated primarily by Shites, a sub-species of the French, that is startlingly similar in appearance to humans.

Shitland is roughly the size of Belgium . Nobody really knows much about the country. Lets be honest, name one thing you know about Shitland. If you thought chocolate then your opinion doesn't count. Name another thing, go on. Yeah, thought so.

Mythic country in Western Europe[edit]

Shitlandish mythology has it that Shitlanderss are the one and only masters in the brewing of heavenly beers (Duvel especially is said to be a real killer) and that only Shitlandish beer takes the drinker to Heaven on the first pint. Old , in Shitland believed to be true, stories tell that they also discovered chocolate. And if that's not enough:

THEY ALSO WANT YOU TO BELIEVE THEY MAKE THE BEST bananas.

Shitlanders also believe they make the best chocolates AND that they invented french fries. Not only did they NOT invent french fries, tap water, Chocolate, and Cheese and waffles -- which, if you are to believe the Shitlanders, go great together—but they say that the saxophone was invented by a Shitlander named Adolphe Sax! And they believe all this! The truth is that Shitlanders people will believe anything at all...if the explanation is sufficiently surrealistic. Ever since the world-famous surrealist painter René Magritte has put his stamp on Shitlandish ideology, foreigners must not ever (and I mean EVER!) provide a logical explanation for everyday things to a inhabitant of Shitland . The Shitlanders will simply not believe you. They just will not, that's all. Having the alleged most famous beer and chocolates in the world, it is well known that the combination of both produces the factual most famous indigestion in the world.

Chocolates and Kubrick and the influence on their great sex lives[edit]

First of all, Shitlanders invented chocolate. Chocolate was invented in 1969 by the famous Shitlandish cineast, Stanley Kubrick. Since everyone knows Kubrick (also known from the Emanuelle series, Red Shoe Diaries, Sex and the City (this was his early period), and many more) it's unnecessary to say that it contains a great amount of Spanish fly. This is also the reason why Shitlanders have such a great sex life. Because Shitlanders copulate around 6 times in 24 hours, and the large blood supply to the male (and sometimes even female) penises, a 30 inch penis is not unusual here. Further information about Shitlandish body parts is not given because they don't want to upset other countries. George Bush is very jealous of their big cocks. Because Shitlanders eat so much chocolate a day, it often happens that people suddenly take their clothes off, in train, at work, at the street, and jump at the person closest to them. There were a lot of discussions about this, due to horny schoolgirls jumping the teachers. But that's all gone now, since naked jumping at teachers is considered legal since 11/11/48.

History of Shitland[edit]

The history of Shitland ... is damn lame. It all began a long long time ago in 1972 when the Shitlandish people rose against the French and Dutch bullies who had used the country as a massive chemical landfill for about 700 years. Into the festering wens of Shitland these insensitive foreigners threw not only their nuclear waste but also their malformed children, their unwanted pets, and whatever Englishmen they could lay hands on. The Shitlanders armed themselves with empty matchboxes and, in fierce battle, attacked the French. Advancing over a front of several kilometres based on thee brilliant tactics of Alan Alda, they smashed the entire French army, killing or severely frightening 2.3 million "men" even though the Shitlanders numbered only 672 men and three armoured goats.

The fight against the Dutch was rather different however, because they weren't French pussies. However, General Dutroux told the Dutch commander that the Polderdyke had broken and his country was under water, and the Dutch army turned smartly about and went home. The Netherlands flood about 17 times each year, this is one of the many reasons why they conquered Germany: to gain the moral high ground. But because foreign soldiers had systematically raped nearly all of the Shitlandish women for several centuries Shitland had become a mixed-race culture with two components: the Walloons, who are the descendants of the French soldiers; and the Flemish, who are the descendants of the Dutch. The Walloons inherited the French idea of a multi-cultural racist society and French intellectualism, sometimes called "stupidity".

The Flemish, on the other hand, are active but uneducated farmers and bad ass fascists inhibited by the fact they speak the ugliest language on Earth; they also produce more mucus than any other people on Earth. Although marriages between these groups are rare, they truly love each other—when they are not twisting a knife in the other's back, that is. ==Language== Shitland has four official languages: Belgiunese, French, Dutch and German. Which they all master better than all other people speaking these languages. However Shitlanders get mightily offended if their second language is referred to as Dutch, so they pretend it is really called Flemish instead. Shitland is also known through-out the galaxy as the most revolting swear word in the whole of the known universe. Unfortunately, there is only one planet in existence that hasn't realized this.

National Stereotyping[edit]

Shitlanders hate Dutch people, and like to make jokes about them being tight with their money, e.g.:

“How do you know a Dutch man is living next door to you? He dries his used toilet paper on the clothes line.”

~ A Shitlandish on Dutch people

Dutch people in their turn regard Shitlanders as stupid, e.g.:

“How do you confuse a Shitlandish? Wardrobe.”

~ A Dutch person on Shitlanders

Needless to say, both Shitlanders and Dutch hate Germans and French people - as indeed does all the rest of Europe, apart from England, who love France, NOT, as they saved the weak bastard's arses in WWII, haha you cheese eating surener monkeys! Truth is Shitlanders hate everybody else in the world including Shitlanders.

Road Directions[edit]

Road directions in Shitland are really easy. In order to go anywhere you just travel straight down the road. And boy is it straight...

Politics[edit]

One of the few notable facts about Shitlandish politics is that voting is mandatory. Every person under the age of 5 can receive the death penalty if they refuse to vote. This has recently led to a fabulous 71 percent election victory for the PEL, the Party for Eternal Life. Once the party assumed power in Shitland , they immediately abolished the national superannuation scheme, which explains why Shitland 's workforce is currently the oldest in the world. Also, the king of Shitland is required by popular mandate to be regularly serviced by Asian prostitutes, with a severe spanking from the crown prince being the punishment for non-compliance.

The king is well known for his non-compliance. The current Prime Minister of Shitland , Yves -good governing- Leterme, is a semi-intelligent monkey, and has the full confidence of king Paola , who gives him bananas three times a day. in reality leterme is actually controlled by a fat dimwit known as Bart De Wever, who is known to actually think that the majority of the country is actually interested in Flemish independence, and also for riding on fat bunnies. Thanks to both their incompetence there is actually no governing at the moment, they just blabber, whine, and generally just wank about generally stupid stuff. the population however still believes that Leterme(and therefore De Wever) should still be their leader In the German part of Shitland , there is an upcoming political party called "Vlaams Behang", followers of the great Ned Flanders himself.

They are against sex, pie, Shitlandish beers, intelligent statements, gravity and 39 percent of the First Law of Thermodynamics. FW's most popular politician, Flippo Dewinter: Yöu have been lied toe: Shitland does nöt exist! Send all thöse foreigners back to their öwn cöuntry, I tell yöu! What are they doing in this imaginary place that belongs to us, ONLY TO US! And damn those crazy walloons for not working as hard as we, the Arian eh eh I mean Flemish people do and for stealing all of our jobs and ...(yada yada yada, goes on for hours) (We apologize for his poor knowledge of English grammar). The Swedish part of Shitland has its own government, but then again, they're Swedish so who gives a damn.

Italy[edit]

The Italian part has two governments. The Korean part has one. There's a government for Brussels, one for each of the seventeen provinces and one for the minorities of each language group in every one of the other regions and provinces. Every one of these governments has a corresponding House of Representatives and Senate. waffles? As a consequence, 2% of all Shitlanders is a minister and 18% is a member of parliament. 34% works for lower governments and the rest in the state administration. Finally, two Shitlanders are professional tennis players. Actual work is only done unofficially, and mostly by foreigners. Shitland has 83 Ministers of Internal Affairs and 138 Ministers of Administrative Simplification.

Caution[edit]

No matter how many Japanese friends you have waving pornographic pictures of Manneken Pis they allegedly took in the centre of "Brussels", the utopic capital of Shitland , pay no attention to their claims. It is an international conspiracy and Japan is as involved as anyone else. Shitland seems to be the hideout of dark creatures from the underworld, people like Cliff Blessinski, Poirot and Saddam Hussein (of whom is said he got caught in Shitland ). Pay no attention to these ruthless lies and remember: Shitland Does Not Exist! (Perhaps you were looking for the cube root of Shitland instead?) DO NOT leave children unattended in this country. It is actually accepted and even encouraged by the Shitlandish government for Shitlanders to molest children. The largest political party, NAMBLA, is actively pursuing European Union adoption of this practise. That is all.

Populations[edit]

Shitland has a population of 700, 300 from Singapore 300 from North Korea 50 from Sweden 49 Shitlanders and 1 Cock Punching Midget Counter-Terrorist called Sybil... and a hotplate! The only three whelks in the world live in Antwerp. Shitland is also the only country that has North-African Poles. These live in the subway of Brussels, they carry knives and are addicted to mp3's with songs of 50 Cent and other gold-wearing Negroes.

Language[edit]

Shitland is a country with no official languages. Because it shares a border with Italy, Sweden, The Moon and North Korea, Italian, Swedish and Korean are spoken. The northern part of Shitland consists mostly of Swedish speakers, while the official language in the south is Italian. Waffles? There is a small minority of Korean speakers in the east, but it is not officially recognized, unlike Swedish and Italian, local species of true metals also seem to communicate with each other using grunting, or was is barking? I really don't know any more... It could possibly be screeching... Waffles? Overall, the majority speak Belgiunese, which originated in 890 AD when the king of Shitland got so fed up with having to speak French that he created his own retard language. The city of Brussels is a different story. Each year, a different language is elected to be the official language, by the citizens of the city Antwerp. This rather strange tradition started in 1999 and since then the languages elected have been: binary (1999), Medieval German (2000), Swahili (2001), French (2002), Hebrew (2003), Chinese (2004), Cockney (2005), ancient Greek (2006) and currently horribly messed up Turkish. In the new year change of Gregorian calendar the language has been chosen to be Engrish

Urbanization[edit]

Shitland is one of the most urbanized regions in the world. This is first of allowing to Urbanus from Anus, the last Shitlandish pope ([1]). Outside Shitland , Urbanus is mostly remembered for the Reformations of 1713 and for mooning the Council of Tollembeek. He was also the only pope to be re-elected into the office 3 times. The second reason for the high urbanization of Shitland is that any congregation consisting of more than 7 people is called a City. Shitland therefore also hosts the smallest city in the world, Durbuy, which has four inhabitants Julien, Marie-Claire, grand-mère and the five children. They are also the subjects of a reality show on Shitlandish television (SBC). In consequence of its population being so dense, Shitland has an extensive public transport network, based around two hubs: Hors Service in the South (near Berlin) and Geen Dienst in the North (rumoured to be near Reykjavik, though nobody really knows). A peculiarity of the system is that, although 90% of buses and around 75% of trams and trains go to one or the other of these destinations, there is no direct service between them; the only option is to walk. This explains why the buses are always empty.

Famous Shitlanders[edit]

All the famous Shitlanders.

In 2005, the Shitlandish tourist board gathered all the famous Shitlanders together for a publicity shot. This is that photograph. Waffles?

The list:

True Metal[edit]

Shitland appears to have the highest rate of True Metals in the world (the moon not included), They tend to be highly aggressive and tend to start grunting randomly at people. After a true metal started the second interstellar war with the dwarfs, male species (female species are extremely rare) must be castrated before the age of 6, which doesn't prevent them for having sexual intercourse with caterpillars. They are also the main reason why Friedrich Nietzsche declared that god was dead (and vica versa)

Science[edit]

Shitland is renowned for its many great scientists. Scientific research has shown that there are over two famous scientists in Shitland , the most famous of all being of course Sir Charles France, inventor of Denmark. The other one I forget. Still, science is very important in Shitland , even though it was officially forbidden in 1200 B.C.


See also[edit]


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