Sidney Crosby

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“Look... the little weasel's whining to the referee again!”

~ Crosby's Mother

“I have a son?”

~ Troy Crosby on his son Sidney's incessant whining

“Rarararera WOOP (Translation: "We too have noticed that he whines to the ref all the fucking time")”

~ Local Sasquatch on Sidney Crosby

“Woah, my gaydar just went off the charts!! This guy must be SUPER gay.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sidney Crosby

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Sidney Crosby.

Sidney Crosby is a Canadian species of weasel (Mustela Crybabyus). It can typically be found in it's natural environment, whining to the referee. Though generally a timid creature, it can become very aggressive when it doesn't get it's way.

Originally, the Sidney Crosby species was observed exclusively in the Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia area (fossil records date back to 1987) but has since migrated to the Pittsburgh region of the United States. Despite its tame nature, it can become infuriated easily and can grow dangerous to himself and his surrounding environment when it believes the officiating is not going in it's favor.

One of the characteristics that separates the Sidney Crosby from other species of weasel (Like the Alexander Ovechkin or the Sean Avery) is it's inability to grow fur in the facial region, leaving a hairless, bare area at the front of the head. The Sidney Crosby are very unusual in that they are slow in reaching adulthood.

Protecting yourself from a Sidney Crosby[edit]

Crosby reacts to the news that Alexander Ovechkin has been named Player of the Week.

If you find yourself in the presence of a Sidney Crosby there are several ways to protect yourself. One of the easiest methods to protect yourself is to toss your ball cap towards him. It is a known fact that the Sidney Crosby has a fear of hats; when a barrage of hats is heading his way he lets out a large whimper (Sometimes confused with his large cries and even larger whines) until the barrage has stopped. Another safety method to protect yourself is to slightly put a stick or your foot near his legs. This causes him to naturally fall down even if you haven't made direct physical contact with him. Whilst it is laying on the ground and whimpering you can make a quick egress from the area.

The Sidney Crosby (a.k.a Sidney the Kidney) has been known to try and look stronger and tougher than it actually is to provide itself with an exaggerated sense of superiority. If you find yourself in the presence of an aggressive Sidney Crosby, it will begin to attack and assault you with minor bumping and swatting. If this should happen, do not ignore it, it will persist to pitifully attack you in order for it to build a greater sense of power. The best way to counter an aggressive Sidney Crosby is to give it a jolt to the head, as the species is prone to concussions.

The safest time of year to approach the Sidney Crosby would be late-May or early-June, because at this time of year the Sidney Crosby begins having difficulty breathing and becomes tired. Some may consider this behaviour to be a mild form of 'choking'. At this stage of the year the Sidney Crosby becomes evasive and less of a threat to any opposition.

Remember that attacking the common Sidney Crosby in the groin or the testicular region will not inflict any pain, as they have no balls.

Criticism and Popularity via criticism[edit]

Despite being an enthusiastic and agile creature who draws attention and crowds to the Pittsburgh area, it is often criticised by numbers of people for it's overly-gigantic mouth. It is also heavily criticised for letting out its irritating whines and cries. Other common uses may include favors for leaders of its given field (see Stanley Cup below).

Although the Sidney Crosby is currently less of a pest in recent times than it was when it first emerged in the area, it's critics will still pick away at every wrong doing the creature has done throughout its young history and use it to provide other weasels with unwarranted self-importance.

So despite the Sidney Crosby being less intrusive and annoying as people make it out to be, its critics will use it as a scapegoat: something to complain about, something to target and to hate, in a veign attempt to juxtapose whatever species of weasel they support (Whether it be the the Pavel Datsyuk, or the Sean Avery). Whether it be criticism or admiration, the Sidney Crosby unites the populace. But it still whines a lot.

Cindy Crosby, mild mannered alter-ego of hockey star/crime fighter/weasel Sidney Crosby.

See also[edit]