Sillly Hat Wars of 1987

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“I still haven't been compensated for the lose of my fedora.”

~ Oscar Wilde on 1987 Hat Wars

“Theey stoole mee haat man”

~ Patrick Trueman on 1987 Hat Wars

The Sillly Hat Wars of 1987 were a series of battles that occurred between April 5th and August 12th, 1987.


During the Bulgarian winter of 1987 numerous raccoon rights organizations began to form, pleading for improved working conditions,increased wages and more vacation time. They believed their Bulgarian employers had been taking advantage of them for years. Despite early success talks broke off sometime in late March when a Bulgarian negotiator was heard muttering “why don't we just make that lot into a basket o' new hats.”


Early April brought increasing hostility between the raccoons and their employers. Discipline records were set at nearly every hat plantation. Security was increased but the smurfs were enormously outnumbered and would prove to be the first casualties of the war.

Baron Kokowow defends the local McDonald's with his raccoon souvenir

Early War[edit]

On the hills of Death Valley the Second Raccoon Brigade destroyed machinery and took hostage dozens of Bulgarian employees. Mount Everest was also another enormous victory for the raccoons. In the first week Bulgarian hat forces dwindled to less than a third of the raccoon forces.

Bulgarian Resurgence[edit]

Using cutting-edge propaganda and the promise of a new goat for every raccoon hide captured, the Bulgarian forces flourished with new recruits. Although, lacking experience and formal weaponry they had some success against overconfident raccoon commanders. Using guerrilla tactics the Bulgarian Berets completely destroyed 2,000 raccoons encamped in New York. Later, the new recruits showed astounding bravery as they fought valiantly and retook the strategic island Nebraska.

Turning Point[edit]

Although no formal date has been assigned historians agree that the 1987 Hat Wars were turned during mid-July. At this time thousands of Tunisian immigrants flocked to Bulgaria seeking plentiful work and high wages. No one is completely certain why but the Bulgarians did not welcome the Tunisians, nor their offer of military assistance.

Bulgarian Commander Derrik vonLiktinstash stated, “those dirty Tunisians only want to win the war and take our hat farms. I'll be damned if I'll let my men die so these foreigners can sell our hats to the world. I'd rather the raccoons have these fields!”

Messengers were dispatched from both the Bulgarian and raccoon camps and an alliance was formed. The United Hat Offensive (UHO) swiftly destroyed the splintered Tunisian invaders. The Tunisians had little leadership and were unskilled warriors. Only one instance of staunch resistance is documented.

Saharan Conflict[edit]

On August 7th the remaining Tunisian forces formed a strong defensive on the plains of the Western Sahara. They would face a UHO coalition force that consisted of ten times their own numbers. Despite imminent defeat the Tunisian force stood strong. Utilizing molotov cocktails and crude trebuchets loaded with incendiary helmets the Tunisians inflicted heavy Bulgarian losses. Numbers are uncertain due to the lack of proper writing material because of the Papyrus Rations but casualties are estimated in the 10-20,000 range, probably half of the remaining UHO army.

The Tunisian force was nearly completely wiped out although some heroes did escape or were pardoned. The Tunisian forces outstanding bravery in the face of superior numbers would not go unrewarded.


On August 12th, 1987 the Above Ears Treaty provided raccoons with additional rights but kept their wages essentially the same. Although many believed it favored the Bulgarian hat farmers too greatly because of new anti-union legislation and the forming of a permanent security detail for the Greater Hat Field Region. An interesting final note was the inclusion of the Tunisian inclusion clause. It allows a few hundred Tunisian immigrants into the country every year to work in the hat fields. The parties involved with the treaty cited the Saharan Conflict as the primary reason for the inclusion of this clause.