Simon Schama

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Simon Schama expounds on the early history of England.
“So you have wounded me!

I must grow a new claw, well and good, for I can do it in a day,

but will you grow new lives when I have taken yours from you?”
~ Simon Schama - A History of Britain

Simon Schama likes to wear leather jackets and say very clever things in a loud voice. He is actually a hyper-intelligent crab holding a papier mache head on a stick. His prodigious knowledge of Dark Age Britain is because he exclusively grazes from a kelp bed into which King Canute once wizzed.

The Rise to Power[edit]

Simon, or Klaantuu which is his crustacean name, attended both Oxford and Cambridge simultaneously. On qualifying he took a job as a BBC Correspondent, before turning to his preferred profession - "being a pompous prig".

In order to fund himself during the early part of his career he took a number of parts in low budget movies, including Attack of the Land Crabs, Jason and the Argonauts and Driving Miss Daisy.

The Iron Claw of Death[edit]

Unbeknownst to the vertebrate population of this cosmic bauble we call Earth, A History of Britain is in fact riddled with subliminal pro-crab propaganda - pause the DVD anywhere during his fascinating discussion of Edward II's penchant for squirrel whores, for example, and the words "Crab overlords are coming, tremble puny humans, we will devour your rancid souls and use your spleens to line our burrows!" are clearly visible on screen.

Books (Propaganda) by Simon Schama[edit]

  • Under the Sea
  • She sells Seashells by the Sea shore
  • A History of Britain
  • A Hosery of Britain
  • A Hostelry of Britain
  • A History of Ritalin