Sinead O'Connor

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“There's all this bloody starvation in the world, and all you care about is me being bald?”

“If Pope John Paul were alive today he would be inside the Vatican, and I for one would be joining him!”

~ Sinéad O'Connor in a letter to the Irish Independent
Admiral O'Connor photographed topside as she fought the Pope's Navy to a standstill in the waters between Italy and Greece

Sinéad O'Connor, is a popular yet peculiar and rare Irish singer-songwriter, a Rastafari adherent, and the current Emperor of the United States.

Born in the bonnie bonnie land of wee fairies and angry lesbian anarchists, O'Connor came to the fore early in the 1980s with the rolicking ballad Smish te Cat'hloc Cherch, Jah, and became known for her vaudevillian act of tearing up a picture of Fadda Murphy.

Trendsetter[edit]

Sinéad O'Connor was the founder and pioneer of the "Bald Headed Hot Chicks" fashion movement, which later included Demi Moore, Sigourney Weaver, Natalie Portman, Britney Spears, and that chick from the first Star Trek movie. However, because she came before the big wave of hot bald chicks, no guys at the time thought she was hot.

O'Connor is noted as the first white singer to adopt the black music technique of substituting numbers for words in her songs, using "2" to replace "to", pre-dating Vanilla Ice by six years and Eminem by at least a decade.

In recent years, Sinéad was a leading member of the furry movement, because its fun to pretend you're a member of a different species. She has also been sighted dating infamous gorillas like King Kong and Hunter S. Thompson.

Her recent social life remains a mystery, for as shadow-Emperor of the U.S. her security has increased and her tendency to aggravate others has decreased.

Retirement[edit]

After enjoying an outstanding career on the vaudeville circuit, Sinéad went into retirement. However, being the trendsetter she was, she opted to retire by setting her own career (and breasts) on fire. She went down in flames, yelling "Murder, murder" at the top of her voice. Naturally everyone dismissed her as crazy and ignored her cries. Her plan had worked - she convinced the majority of people she was not right in the head and, after dipping her chest in the nearest fire hydrant when no one was looking, could now hopefully look forward to a peaceful retirement without having fans approach her in the street for a quick fondle, a ciggie and an autograph. Alas this did not work and our Sinéad had to resort to more drastic and painful measures, described below.

Stage 1: "Hate Da Pope, Jah"[edit]

Sometime in the 1990s, Sinéad appeared on Saturday Night Live and burned a picture of Pope John Paul 2.0 before stamping on it in an effort to express her disgust so vigorously that she temporarily went up in flames. At first, everyone thought this was all just another part of the act. However, they realized it wasn't an act when she did an accapella version of 2 Live Krew's "I Hate Da Pope, Jah", and was either booed off the stage by detractors or carried off the stage on the shoulders of admirers. Saturday Night Live tried to entice her back later in the show for the skit "The Sinead O'Connor Happy Shamrock Funtime Hour", but she was booed off after five seconds by the unfortunate coincidence of Saturday Night Live handing out free tickets to a half-starved pack of nuns. This skit was later hailed as the best Saturday Night Live moment of the 1990s, even better than the cowbell guy and Celebrity Jeopardy.

Stage 2, "Hate Da Pope Sumore, Praise Jah"[edit]

Now was Sinéad's moment and she began to give more and more tearful and emotional interviews to music magazines and entertainment shows, spilling out all the sordid and repulsive details of her past, her sexual abuse at the hands of the Pope, how she had felt like a child prostitute, and how the Catholic Church hated women and abused them, but most of all, and especially, her, and don't get her started about the priests pronging or rubbing those little boys. The Pope later denied He'd had any contact whatsoever with Sinéad O'Connor at all - "Who? That bald hot chick?"

Stage 3: Bat-Fuck Insane Religious Chick[edit]

O'Connor serves as the current Emperor

By now, most of her fanbase has already turned on her, either for the Saturday Night Live debacle or for her insanely fanatical hatred of the Pope. But to finally alienate the rest of her fans, she allied herself with a splinter group of the Roman Catholic Church. First she was photographed in a wedding dress for some ceremony of the Catholic splinter group, and at this point declared she was no longer to be called Sinéad O'Connor, but Sister Mary Dominatrix Hellena Ballbuster Beatitude. She disappeared for five months into the catacombs of the church, then emerged to be photographed in a courtroom wearing a priest's black shirt and stiff white collar, and sporting for the first time in a long time, actual hair--a short sort of dyke-ish look--and gave an interview saying if she hadn't been a singer, she would've liked to have been a priest. When asked, "Don't you mean a nun?" a reporter asked. "No," she replied as she gyrated and blinked seductively in the direction of the reporter and scanned the crowd for innocent-looking little boys, "a male priest. I always thought of myself as rather mannish, a bit manly, quite masculine and you know, those not-yet-ripe lads move me in a strange but not-uncomfortable way".

Finally retired[edit]

Having put into place the basic elements of her plan to convince everyone she was crazy, Sinéad O'Connor finally retired. She shaved her head, flew to New York for one final night of hot-lovin' lesbian sex with Kate Moss, and the next day flew to Thailand, became a Buddhist Monk, and decided this was a good way to live in peace because she already had the good-lookin' monk haircut.

Following all this furore and the inevitable lawsuits which came about as a result Sinéad purchased a house in the Irish hippy commune of Bray. However she has recently moved out of Bray after large hordes of lesbian fans (from Bray's extensive lesbian population and beyond) set up camp outside her house. Sinéad claimed the rowdy dykes were chanting, scissoring, beating up men and throwing dildos through her windows. Sinéad had no problem with this except that she already had enough trouble on her hands coping with the crowds of lesbians already in me house, jah who were chanting, scissoring, beating up men and throwing dildos through her windows.

Return from retirement[edit]

Emperor O'Connor, dressed in the Irish green of her quaint upbringing

While meditating one day she saw a vision of Holy Proud Mary, the step-mother of Jesus, and knew it was time to return to singing.

One of O'Connor's newer CD's, I'll Rip Off Your Arms, Jah!, released in 2005, proved that she had changed into a Rastafari Goddess. Her new incarnation, finally pretty cool according to some Illumanati, had been foretold by many ancient manuscripts and cave-etchings. Another album Meta but didn't Noah, Jah was also foretold.