Sir Edward McShortstuff
Sir Edward McShortstuff (January 3rd, 1897 - February 11, 1962) was a pioneer in Midget arson. He helped to create the Midget arson Society. McShortstuff was also an accomplished marksman and was thought to have assassinated Elvis Presley. Historians now believe that it was not McShortstuff who killed Presley, but rather his great grandson Eguardo McShortstuff.
Born in a log cabin, McShortstuff received many Splinters upon birth. These splinters stayed with him throughout life, and was believed to trigger his hatred against wood. Not much is known of his early life. He is said to have been born of a perfectly normal woman. His father on the other hand was extremely short. Even shorter than Edward McShortstuff.
Burning Down The House
McShortstuff loved to burn things. In his life it is estimated he had burned 17,634,585,473,846 houses. He had destroyed the entire city of Atlantis. The efforts of the residents to extinguish the flames resulted in flooding of the city, which now lies underwater. McShortstuff, traveling cross country with his gang of Midgets, who had no name apparently, except "those little guys who just burnt my fucking house down!!!" "damn it!!," was a respectable business man and card player. In March of 1940, McShortstuff and his gang raided the White House and burned it to the ground. Harming then United States President Tom Cruise. Frightened, Cruise fled the building and retreated to Pluto. McShortstuff then burned Pluto so severely that it became the smallest of all Planets. Walt Disney, owner of Pluto, was so upset with McShortstuff that he forbid him to visit Mickey Mouse for 11 years and 26 days. When Disney died in 1944 from an armwrestling match with Elvis Presley, McShortsuff was sent into a deep depression triggered by the fact that he could not kill Walt Disney. McShortstuff then challenged Elvis Presley to an arson match. Elvis decided against the match, claiming he was "a lover, not a fire starter." McShortstuff hated Elvis ever since.
Edward McShortstuff retired from professional midget arson in 1960.But before he did so he created (1950) a dangerous gang to continue his acts or midget-arson, Midget Power. He was then inducted into the Midget Arson Hall of Fame soon afterward. McShorstuff suffered from repeated gunshots to the chest, by then god, Zeus. McShortstuff was found dead in his Beverly Hills condo on February 11, 1962. The cause of death was rumoured to be suicide. Upon closer examination to the body, no reasonable explanation was found. His cause of death is still unknown to this day.