Sister Dora

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Sister Dora is a half-machine, half-human hybrid produced in the town of Walsall at the peak of the Industrial Revolution. Her primary function was steel work, since there were numerous bad rumours abound amongst the British peasantry concerning such lines of work, and so a mechanoid such as Sister Dora was seen as the logical solution to this problem. In 1850, she was assigned the mission of delivering steel components to the battlefields of Bruges, where they were to be used to manufacture armaments on the front. Inexperienced in producing weaponary, many of the brave souls of the soldiery sadly subsequently sustained serious injuries. Seeing the carnage her imports had brought these men, she decided it was her duty to tend to their wounds and nurse them back to health. At first, her wrench-like grip, powered by a pioneering new pneumatic system, unfortunately did little to help the men. Indeed, many were killed by her crushing hands, while others sustained serious and often life-threatening, nay, fatal injuries. This problem was soon remedied however, and her illustrious career in healing began.

The Anglo-Belgian War[edit]

Three days later, as generals gathered in their masses, just like "witches at black masses", as some noblemen reported in their diaries and other assorted memory-recording mediums, the final push to end the war was launched. Sister Dora decided that she would lead the charge, her emotionless and metallic attributes leading the men forwards and protecting them as she had done since she arrived on the front, excluding the early days when the aforementioned fatal crushings took place. Many generals and other seniour military figures opposed this ludicrous idea, such people being killed and maimed by the most brutal means imaginable at the hands of Ms Dora. However, the charge was not a success initially. Sister Dora reportedly sustained major harpoon injuries to the outer torso and rusting around the knees. Nevertheless, the British pushed on and were soon within rapier-slashing distance of the Belgian lines, where they began to taunt their enemies with childish insults and racist abuse, coupled with a devastating barage of firearm-propelled bullets and rockets. The valiant Belgian forces realised their fate, but refused to let the British leave the battle with their mighty weapon intact, fearing the consequences this would have on the rest of the world. Their artillery was loaded with Cilit Bang, which upon impact, removed the grease from Sister Dora's system, causing her to come to a grinding halt. This was to be the final action of these soldiers, for they were shortly thereafter sliced to ribbons by the British bayonets, which had been produced by the very same steel Sister Dora had couriered across the continent; a touching and fitting end to the battle it has to be said, unless you're Belgian.

The Present Day[edit]

Following the War, Sister Dora was flown back to Britain, still motionless from the effects of the Cilit Bang. In her memory, she was re-designated as a statue and placed in Walsall town centre with the hope of one day finding a cure for the devastating Cilit Bang-induced damage. Quite how successful such a cure would actually be is a matter that has divided academics, many citing the fact that her being melted into liquid steel and then recast in an identical form during her redisgnation as a statue, would render such a cure useless. Regardless, to this day, no cure has been found and Sister Dora remains in her comatose state, casting a great cloud of sadness and despair across not just Walsall, but Shanklin also. Indeed, Shanklin Chine has reported a series of falling visitor numbers in recent years, thought to be linked to Sister Dora's situation, and to a lesser extent, the fact that Shanklin, like the rest of the Isle of Wight, has been submerged beneath the unforgiving waters of the Solent for the last 3 years as an indirect result of global warming.

The Future[edit]

And so we come to the future, where Sister Dora is once again an animated mechanoid. Every year on a preselected day, chosen at random on the same day of the preceding year (a process made possible by the same time-warping methods used to write this section from the future), joyous crowds take to the street to celebrate the work of Sister Dora. Festivities include crushing loved ones just as the nation's favourite woman of steel did 275 years ago, albeit using more technologically advanced and environmentally-sound means, and raffles. No one can remember quite how she was re-animated, nor do they care, everyone is just too pre-occupied with celebrations, so much so that GDP has fallen to an all-time low, since records began in the early Bronze Age.