Sisters of Mercy

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Happy, happy, joy, joy....


The Sisters Of Mercy were formed in 1981 when Duran Duran guitarist Andrew Taylor grew bored of standing around looking like a girl in expensive promo videos and decided instead to study Manderin oranges at Leeds university. Changing his name to Yvonne Eldritch he teamed up with guitarist Harpo Marx, bass guitarist and author Douglas Adams, Pirate castaway from Treasure island Benn Gunn and a Doctor playing drum machines.The band named themselves after an obscure song by Leonard Rossiter. Together they embarked on an unremarkable early career.

History[edit]

The early days[edit]

It wasn't until Yvonne suffered a DIY accident with a Black and Dekker workmate leading to the removal of his vocal chords which caused Yvonne to "sing" in a series of sinister burps, did The Sisters career take off. Realising that having a guitarist marooned thousands of miles away on a desert island wasn't such a good idea after all, they employed ex Dead or Alive banjo-ist and Pete Burn's lipstick technician, Wayne Kerr. With this classic line up they recorded their first album. Which was nice. Then they had a fight and split up.

The Sunglasses Days[edit]

Apparently Yvonne Eldritch had a burning fetish for sunglasses, which would remain on his face his whole life. There are many theories on why Yvonne Eldritch wore sunglasses so often (see below).

The not so early days[edit]

Harpo Marx built himself a magic time machine and transported himself back to the 1930's to team up with his grandfather Groucho, together with his great uncles Karl and Chico they formed The Marx Brothers(and Grandson).

Meanwhile Wayne Kerr and Douglas Adams formed a band calling themselves The Mercyhood. This made Yvonne really cross and he formed a band called The Mercyhood as well and quickly put a record out. Kerr and Adams paid Yvonne lots of money and changed their name to something else and put an album out called "The Hitchhikers guide to Led Zeppelin".

Yvonne decided to call himself The Sisters of Mercy again and together with a mate of that fat bastard Meatloaf, a choir and a bird with big tits made another nice record.

Yvonne then sulked for a couple of years before he turned into Bon Jovi.

The Not Goth Days[edit]

Yvonne Eldritch hated goths. No really like reviled them. They where never at any point goth. Infact Yvonne often stated that he would gladly exterminate all goths from the world, including Robert Smith and Peter Murphy. However he did accidently create the Goth subgenre of Gothic Rock, which became the most popular (and stereotypical) form of Goth music, which nearly enveloped the world in the early 90s in a veil of Drum Machine Darkness. However this event was subverted by the phenomena of Darkwave. Because of this fact however, Yvonne Eldritch shaved his head and began Dressing in all white. While it was true that he no longer looked like a Goth, he did (and still does) look like a Douchebag (though he never removed his sunglasses).

Eldrich sung of his love of Brown Cows in the song This Corrosion.. .the lyrics of which go "Hey Now, Hey Now Brown Cow. Sing this Corrosion to Me".

Though Yvonne Eldritch was never, will never and Can't possibly be Goth, he did once look like this.

The not so early as the not so early days days[edit]

Most people stopped caring, so Yvonne went to Germany, married a princess and lived happily ever after. Apart from when he gets a tax bill and has to drag himself off to do a tour every few years. It is important to realise The Sisters of Mercy were not, and never will be, a goth band. They may well have looked, sounded and smelled like goths, but they weren't and that's that.

Theories on why Yvonne Eldritch Always wears his sunglasses[edit]

There are many theories on Why Yvonne Eldritch wears his sunglasses. The following is a list of what are considered the most likely and prominent theories.: 1. He is actually blind 2. He is a mutant with the abillity to shoot laser beams from his eyes, but can't turn it off. 3. He is constantly stoned and is just hiding his red hazy eyes (this is considered the most likely theory by most experts).. 4. So Patricia Morrison can't see him staring at her boobs. 5. So Wayne Hussey can't eye rape him.

Discography[edit]

  • 1981-84 - Some singles no-one, apart from some rather depressed art students in Leeds, bought.
  • 1985 - "First and Last and All That" album. And some jolly good singles. TOTALLY NOT GOTH THOUGH.
  • 1986 - "That Wayne, he's a right git" album
  • 1987 - "Foodland" album. And some really over the top - but in a good way - singles.
  • 1990 - "Slippery When Wet Thing" album. And some crap singles.
  • 1992 - "All the singles no-one bought but pretends they did now they're famous" compilation album. And a single that was really rotten version of one of their best tracks featuring an Arab woman screeching *Snigger*.
  • 1993 - single with that bird that used to sing "take my breath away" from that gay film "Top Bum"
  • 1994 - "All the crap later stuff everyone bought but wishes they hadn't cus the early stuff is much better" compilation album. It was also in some countries called "A Slight Case of Overbombing".