Slayer

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“These guys are ok, but they stole my nickname.”

~ Aleister Crowley on Satan, Satan and More Satan.

“Who fucking cares if I wrote Raining Blood after my first period?”

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Slayer fans dressed in typical fashion.

Slayer (pronounciation "FUCKIN' SLAAAAAAYEEEEEEEEEER!!!!"), aka The General Cornwallis Variety Band are the most successful, and greatest Christian anti-satan harcore metal band/religion in the world and Nazi terrorist organisation ever in the heavy metal world, lead by singer/basistist/international terrorist Tom Araya with Pepsi sponsor/Spongebob Squarepants fan/casual guitarist Kerry King Nickname "Kerry the Kid". The band, who have been established for 26 years, attribute their longetivity to "producing music that appeals to Nazi youth, and also throwing in a drinking song or two!". They are also known for dabbling in pop-punk.

They were originally named after "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". With over 50 million album sales worldwide, although not a single person has ever admitted to owning a Slayer album, let alone buying one. They have become the subject of cult films, party jokes and a number of porno sayings and catchphrases such as 'Clankity Clank Clank bitch' and 'Sugartits' made famous during a 1991 concert in Palm Springs, Missouri.

Kerry King was at the pinnacle of what is now known as the world famous 'Wag the Dog' technique. Whereas those before and after him became respected guitarists by practicing and getting better, King took the 'never work too hard because you're in an overrated band so everyone will think you're a awesome player' approach. King is so good at this technique, in fact, that he can perform it during an entire show. Or even while baking a cake.

It is widely known that many trve metalheads want to take over the world and establish a military dictatorship where everyone would be forced to listen to Slayer; otherwise, they would be executed using a gas chamber.

Etymology[edit]

Slayer playing one of their mindfully aesthetic shows.

The name Slayer is believed to stand for Slimy layer, with which the band members get covered at their live concerts, mostly during their best disco track Raining Blood and their famous love song Angel of Death. Another possible origin is that in their early years they used to slay the goats of the those who did not appreciate their music, but they left the practice because their largest group of fans PETA was disappointed by the act and asked them to slay Republicans instead.

History[edit]

Slayer came about after John Hannemoron (at age 40) realized that he was too much of a pussy to actually kill the Jews that lived next door to his mother. He than picked up a garden gnome and tried to glue guitar strings to it, when his mother (having pity on his autism) bought him an ESP M-II. Luckily, Hannemoron had the type of autism that made you suck at life, but good at one thing, and this one thing happened to be guitar (and by good, I mean play a bunch of random notes and remember the exact order and sequence and timing).

Then, one day as John was playing in the park with little kids (he would frequently get peppered sprayed because many parents thought that John was a pedophile, not autistic) he was then picked on by Kerry the Kid (age .5 a year, and was STILL bald). John than realized that Kerry could play guitar so John was really nice to him for the next two decades (including buying beer, sucking off Kerry, and even taking it up the ass since Kerry couldn't find a girl to lose his virginity to).

One day, when Kerry and John were at a strip club (presumably because they wanted REAL pussy) they met up with the head pimp, Tom Araya. John immediately asked Tom to join the band because he said "that Tom had an awesome last name, and he just seemed to be a Hitler-worshiping Nazi guy." By some strange coincidence, Tom could play bass fairly well as well as scream at the top of his lungs (he learned this from his sister, whom was very hot and would often invite people over to the house to have sex with). Tom invited Dave Labradoiasosha his Hispanic fourth cousin, twice removed, (and he also happened to be Tom's first, second and third cousin and is removed on each one 2 times, because the family is ashamed of such inbreeding), to play drums. Dave happened to be the only one with any real talent on his instrument (and even bragged about his by loudly proclaiming at practice, you guys are fucking retarded), and left shortly after Reign in Blood because "Hannemoron was just getting annoying because he kept crying because Kerry pounded his ass so much that he had to get a colostomy, Kerry kept trying to rape the fans. Tom was an okay guy, just his vocals were like nails on a chalkboard, I had to get away". But Labradoiasosha eventually returned after he found out what a goldmine that Slayer would become.

Early Days[edit]

Kerry, bruv!!! I've found ya at last!! Now come here 'n' gimme some love!!

In the early days kerry King came across a pick made of the devils tooth (Under advice from my lawyers I have never heard of any movie called Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny) and with that they became gods as they sill are today. Before Kerry King and Jeff Hanneman owned guitars, they bought their amps, and ALL the distortion in the world, which they patented. Then they bought guitar cables, and started tapping them on the end, so the amps would make a bussy noice. The entire album "Reign In Blood" (between fans Raining Pepsi Max - Now With New, Better Taste) was recorded that way, while the made a farting noise with their mouths for vocals, bass and drums. Dave Lombardo was said to have learned two drumbeats at the release of this album and alternated between the two until someone pointed out that the one is just a bit faster than the other.and also kerry had thought that his beard was l33t enough to get chicks but he was sadly mistaken as it only attracted a raving homosexual named alf so thus slayer was born on account of his lame ass beard, also do you think he's related in anyway to gimli from lord of the rings.

Photographer assault[edit]

Dave, Kerry, and a homeless Asian man were all charged with assault of a Photographer. The photographer started taking photo's of them while Dave.L was still playing his drum kit. Kerry then hit the photographer with a Marshal amp. and shouted 'FUCKIN' DIE!' Then Lombardo stamped on the camera and invited the homeless man (Callum Chow Gledzil) to video the incident and put it on Youtube.com. The video has since been watched 1763182763182767153804783462 times and is only out-watched by...Well, Nothing.

Kerry's Bracelet[edit]

Kerry King's spiked armband has grown so large over the years, the U.S. Postal Service has given it an area code, and FAA regulations mandate that it must be transported separately in a cargo plane between gigs.

Members[edit]

  • Kerry King - saw blades, drum programming, baldness, and guitar raper
  • Jeff Hanneman - sknng guitar, Aryanisms
  • Tom Araya - shouting, double bass, friendly handshakes
  • Dave Lombardo - double drums, pots and pans, bong hits

Former Members[edit]

  • Paul Bostaph - triple drums, machine guns and explosions

See Also[edit]