Sleeping is an activity transplanted into our brains by the aliens from beyond Uranus (giggle, giggle). Not everyone is cool enough to sleep. If you are afraid you are not cool enough to sleep, then you definitely are not cool enough to sleep. If you think you are cool enough to sleep then you are so uncool that you should just go home and fuck a chair. If you are not cool enough, you could try having teenage sex. Lots of cool people are doing that these days. Illegal drugs are pretty cool too.
The best position to sleep in is hanging from a rotating ceiling fan by piercings through your nipples. If you do not have nipples, complimentary nipples will be provided by a roving Death Squad of Joy. If you are some kind of freak and have three nipples like all those other freaks out there. You know the ones, those people your mother used to tell you to go play with in the hopes that they would abduct you because you were a mistake anyway. So, if you have three nipples, that just gives you more cushion for the pushing, but it means that your fan will now have to have at least three blades to suspend yourself from.
The transition from waking to sleeping is a mystery. It just sort of happens, like death or taxes. If you stick toothpicks into your corneas then that will help facilitate the sleeping process. If that doesn't work, try banging your head against the wall. Eventually you'll hit it so hard that you pass out and that's pretty similar to sleep.
There are certain medicines that help people have a natural sleep. But hey, what good has nature ever done for us? Don't be taking those natural sleeping pills, let nature sweat out the fact that we're all having unnatural sleep patterns. That'll teach nature to sic us with droughts, famines and poison monkeys. It's a war and only one of us can win it. You don't want us to lose do you, you dirty stinkin' traitor?
The hardest part of sleep is stopping. Sleep is one of the most addictive drugs on the market today. No other drug causes eight hour memory loss, continued cravings within 24 hours, terrors, strange hallucinations and wet dreams. You know you love them. Because of the highly potent and addictive nature of sleep, it is controlled by the FDA (Female Diaper Association). Why? Because they have nothing better to do than to take all the fun drugs away from us. If you do overdose on sleep the side effects include greater desire for sleep and horniness.
Sleeping as a sport
Though it seems most humans can sleep, only a small fraction of the human population can perform sleep for long periods of time. Those fortunate individuals have recently founded the We Sleep All Day While You Suckers Work Association (also known as BED) as a part of the respected Society of the Lazy. Currently, the primary task of BED is to make sleeping a recognized Olympic sport. Once succeeded, members of BED will be able to get grants for improving their sleeping skills by using legitimate methods rather than using the currently very common method of marrying a rich husband/wife.
The secondary task of BED is to make acronym changing an acceptable practice. The main steps in acronym changing are 1) create an acronym, such as We Sleep All Day While You Suckers Work Association, and 2) change it to something else, such as BED. Although often controversial, this practice is a cornerstone of BED, and must be used by any team wanting to take part in the BED championships, which are held annually unless the supervisor oversleeps.
A study on Elm street has shown a rise in sleep related deaths. Further studies are being conducted on Oak and Maple street. It is unknown at this time what is causing these sleeping deaths, but is advised to sleep only on Main street until further studies are conducted.