Smoked salmon

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A salmon ready to be smoked
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Smoked salmon.

Smoked salmon is a preparation of salmon and a traditional recreational activity.


In order to smoke a salmon, traditionally a small cylinder of finely cut tobacco leaves rolled in thin paper is inserted into the fish's mouth. The smoker must locate the anus of the fish and purse his lips around it creating a tight seal. Then, via use of the lungs, the smoke is drawn through the anus of the fish spreading the smoke throughout the body. The required duration of smoking has always been gauged by a skilled or 'master smoker' who manually checks for optimum smoking conditions. Master smokers of note include Cheech & Chong, Bob Marley and Snoop Dog.

Other methods of smoking salmon involve the use of specialised pipes and glass tubes. Multiple salmon can be joined together and smoked simultaneously in what is commonly known as a windmill.

Use in Cuisine[edit]

Celebrity Miley Cyrus about to smoke a fattie

In Jewish cuisine, a smoked salmon is only considered Kosher if a Rabbi takes a drag on the fish and declares it as “Good shit.” Due to smoked salmon often being prepared in thin strips, it is the perfect size and shape to be kept under a Koppel as a handy snack and doubles as a non-slip mat for the aforementioned Jew beanie. Multiple layers of salmon can be used to elevate a Jew’s hat, thusly increasing the Jew’s rank.

In Carribean cooking, the fish is often smoked with other herbs replacing tobacco, and traditional rituals involve gathering a circle of friends and passing the salmon to the left hand side.

Smoked salmon is sometimes used in sushi, although rarely in Japan as it would be sacrilege and punishable by death.

Use in recreation[edit]

To an untrained smoker, the process of smoking a salmon can cause intoxication, which lead to widespread recreational use of smoked salmon. Smoked salmon was introduced into the UK from Eastern Europe. Jewish immigrants from Russia and Poland brought the technique of salmon smoking to London's east End, where they settled, in the late 19th century. They smoked salmon as way to cope with stress and anguish brought about from persecution.

As salmon smoking became more popular as a recreational activity different substances started to be used in the smoking process in an attempt to enhance its effects, which lead to the eventual outlawing of salmon smoking apart from for licensed professionals.


File:Op den.jpg
An artist's depiction of a traditional salmon smokehouse

A salmon smokehouse was an establishment where salmon was sold and smoked. Most smokehouses kept a supply of salmon related paraphernalia such as the specialized pipes and lamps that were popular to smoke fish with at the time. In much the same way as immigration of the Chinese to the US brought about the opium crack den, the arrival of Jewish immigrants to the west brought about salmon smokehouses. Smokehouses were a very popular social event in the late 19th and early 20th century, due to the intoxication an amateur salmon-smoker can experience when smoking salmon.

Smokehouses were made illegal after it was discovered other substances other than tobacco had been used to smoke the salmon, such as PCP. Only a handful of traditional smokehouses remain.

See also[edit]