Vargal Von Crashdumi (41)
0 min – The players line up to sing ‘Wolfhart von Gotnischnof’s 5th Symphony’, the national anthem of the Solomon Islands, and Eminem’s ‘Fuck you nigger and up your mother’s bag against the wall’, the national anthem of the Sandwich Islands.
1 min – Patrick Amba-Skibow and Tomasz Ingetiman kick off. Ingetiman chips it up then Amba-Skibow attempts an overhead kick which sends the ball flying into the 4th official, who falls into the river half-way line
4 min – The 4th official’s shorts float to the surface, the rest of him is carried out to the Mediterranean Sea. Allah asks to be the new 4th official and is accepted. The Sandwich Islands no. 10 is taken to the touchline, out of breath, for a cigarette.
7 min – Jeff Trinity and Akhbar Carpetbomber play a lovely one-two on the edge of the Solomon Island’s area and Trinity tries a shot at goal which hits the bar and falls to Baba Gregson, who falls over and claims a penalty. Claim rejected.
15 min – Pudade rolls the ball out to Norris von Sembekov who plays a cross-field one-two with Keith Leitham. He elbows Baba Gregson in the face but the ref plays on as Gregson goes down holding his knee. He then nutmegs Sanjeev-Singh and skips past Taribo East who goes down under a two-footed lunge from Ingetiman. With only Melikmar to beat he performs a heel flick over the keeper’s head and calmly skies it from two yards out.
19 min – Bill Tintoilet takes a throw-in from the halfway line which falls to his keeper Melikmar who plays it out wide to the vicious looking Sanjeev-Singh who plays a lovely bicycle kick to Father George. George then attempts a 56.2 yard drive which is nearly saved by Pudade but rolls into the back of the net. The Sandwich Island’s crowd go wild but then referee Crashdumi disallows it for violent abuse from a man in row P of the crowd. He awards the Solomon Islands a penalty, which Amba-Skibow puts wide.
23 min – Steve Timba-Melikmar saves a spectacular knee deflection from Utit Golanzez after a Rory Blanchman cross, tipping it just past the right angle. Vargal von Crashdumi awards a goal kick because the linesman got his foot wet.
24 min – Melikmar trips over a landmine which was placed on the pitch by deep-river-divers and throws the ball out to Alan Mallon. To Taribo East’s surprise a rare Venezuelan hunchback eagle collects the ball mid-flight and proceeds to fly up the pitch. After being dropped on the halfway line the ball takes a surprising bounce over Greg Pudade, who, due to arthritis, can only get his intended scorpion kick two metres off the ground, and proceeds to bobble into the back of the net.
Sandwich Islands 1 – 0 Solomon Islands
27 min – A jubilant Allah Abraham Akinbayou is disappointed with the crowd’s response to the first goal, after only 37.5 people died (19 jumped into the river, 17 people were killed by squirrels and 1.5 were eaten by tigers). After Melikmar’s traditional celebration (a 3 minute stand on top of the corner flag) Allah brings himself on for Melikmar, due to the loss of his left eyebrow, third rib, left ventricle of the heart and his right index finger when he fell over the landmine.
28 min – Allah has immediate effect when he makes a scorching run from his own box to the halfway line, which is too wide for him to jump. Allah falls in and Leep Kolimbot picks up the loose ball.
31 min – Mustafa Fag is rushed to hospital, pumped full of nicotine, and then he returns to the game. Liechtenstein’s economy collapses as they are forced to import tonnes upon tonnes of cigarettes.
32 min – The veteran midfielder, Norris von Sembekov makes a lovely run from his own corner flag. He nutmegs Meerlorkominovhaminbani Smith and then lobs Fag. As he approaches the halfway line he makes a monster leap, only to be restrained by a long hairy hand emerging from the river. He falls on the floor and Allah emerges from the water to claim the ball. He then takes a shot which forces Pudade to dive spectacularly only to see the ball sail over his head, hit the bar and settle on the line. Pudade picks it up and looks relieved.
36 min – Mee Kah and Pee Kah play two beautiful one-twos past the smoking Fag and (n)ever active Carpetbomber. All of a sudden Father George shows his Kung-fu skills and takes out Mee Kah whilst flying through the air. Baba Gregson takes slight control of the loose ball and plays it forward to Allah, the keeper, who’s making a run. Golanzez takes him out and Allah responds by smashing his head against an advertising board and calling him a tit.
45 min – As half time approaches Albert Talbot (Plop Plop Plop) does not like the way the match is going and decides to introduce Piranhas into the halfway line. The first player to taste the difference is Keith Leitham who follows the ball into the river and emerges with one ear. The influential Amba-Skibow jumps the piranha-infested waters, but mis-controls and plays the ball towards the touchline. Amba-Skibow’s speed takes him past Carpetbomber, Fag, Trinity, Gregson, George, Tintoilet, Sanjeev-Singh, Smith, Mallon and East. The last man, Allah, comes to meet him, as he collects the ball just short of the corner flag. Skibow, with a delicate piece of skill with the outside of the right foot, lobs Allah and makes the angle for the goal, but as the ball sails delightfully towards the net the referee blows his whistle to wrap up an exciting half.
Sandwich Islands 1 – 0 Solomon Islands
46 min – Wortschatz Hallenbad comes on for Mustafa Fag, who during halftime suffered his fifth severe heart attack of the last hour. Allah, who believes he is far superior, plonks Hallenbad in goal, Jeff trinity upfront and takes up the position of a defensive, attacking, midfield playmaker with a free role.
49 min – Hallenbad makes his first contribution of the match – a superb one-fingered stop from a vicious Amba-Skibow shot. The ball falls to Allah, who uses his free role well in catching the Solomon Islands short-staffed at the back. His right-kneed cross finds Trinity in acres of space in the centre. Jeff performs a brilliant spinning half volley, only to scuff the shot and hit the corner flag.
50 min – The ball catapults back off the corner flag and heads towards Pudades’s top right hand corner. Unfortunately Pudade overestimates the effects of his arthritis and dives over the bar, forcing Norris von Sembekov into using his oversized nose to clear the ball off the line. Father George scores with a simple tap in, but the goal is ruled out for offside because Sembekov was the only defender and Pudade was beyond the advertising hoardings.
53 min – After seeing his side nearly go 2-0 behind, Talbot (Plop Plop Plop) decides to bring on the influential midfielder Sammy Sambteostenvizo for the ever tiring Sembekov. The ball falls straight to Sambteostenvizo who falls over like a skittle before realising his shoes are on the wrong feet. Tintoilet comes to collect the loose ball but misjudges his attempted 86 yard shot and misses the ball while kicking Sambteostenvizo. Sammy then flies through the air and lands in the piranha-infested waters only to be miraculously rescued by a blind fisherman sitting in the Solomon Islands dug-out.
59 min – Albert Talbot (Plop Plop Plop) is enraged at Bill Tintoilet’s near manslaughter of Sammy Sambteostenvizo, so he substitutes Tintoilet’s ineffective opposite number, Rory Blanchman, and brings on Igor Grazdunecutakov. Talbot (Plop Plop Plop) then switches to the controversial 4-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation with direct passing down both flanks. Grazdunecutakov mows through the middle of the pitch and his 1.5 yard shot bursts the net. He would have scored if only he had the ball instead of Akhbar Carpetbomber when he went on his mazy dribble. Carpetbomber is clotheslined back onto the pitch by an irate child from Bolivia.
64 min - Carpetbomber is still out cold on the floor after smashing his head on the post on his return to the pitch. Meanwhile play continues around him in a ferocious manner. Leep Kolimbot plays a lovely cross stadium ball to the energetic Amba-Skibow, who leaps 6 and a half feet into the air to keep the ball in play. Unfortunately he lands in the halfway line and the ball bounces to Baba Gregson, who starts to cry and point. Gregson then starts shouting ‘round fat thing with no dick.’ Everyone thinks he’s talking about the ball until Terrence Matthews decapitates him using a plastic knife. Mee Kah picks up the ball, dribbles to the six yard box, but is the dispossessed by the lying Carpetbomber. Carpetbomber then flicks the ball up into the air, headers it into his own net then claims Pudade was offside. Referee agrees under threat of death from Allah. A Sandwich Islands free kick is awarded on the centre spot island (smallest island in the world).
70 min – Following the decapitation of Baba Gregson, Allah summons down a member of the crowd and uses his kung-fu skills to drill his little finger through the spectator’s forehead. Allah licks his finger to test the blood group and then promptly snaps off the person’s neck and head. The physio is dragged screaming onto the pitch to stitch the head to Baba Gregson’s body using advanced head transplant tools. The physio then asks why he simply couldn’t stitch Baba Gregson’s head back onto the body and gets the answer that the ball was flat and thy needed a new one. Once he leaves the pitch Father George summons all of the power from his head to his feet and smashes the head from the centre spot island (smallest island in the world) towards the head of Jeff Trinity who heads it so far over the head of Pudade that it starts heading towards the heads of the fans heading for the exit. But it hits a duck mid-flight.
74 min – After all the skin has worn away from the new ball, the shocking truth of Baba Gregson’s intelligence is exposed as an elephant sized brain falls out and is promptly eaten by scarab beetles. The ball (now merely a skull) is then neatly struck by Akhbar Carpetbomber into the path of Baba Gregson, who faints and falls over after seeing the massive tumour on the side of his old skull. Fortunately Meerlorkominovhaminbani Smith isn’t scared and performs a miracle triple somersault over the stadium and rescues an old woman from a kidnapper. As Mee Kah moves in to collect the ball, Smith runs through the changing rooms and out onto the pitch. He reaches the ball just before Mee Kah reaches it. He turns 720˚ with the ball between his legs and then plays a three foot pass to Taribo East who uses his navigational skills to locate the goal and send an 83 yard shinroller onto the roof of the net.
77 min – After hearing about how fun and exciting the match has become, Flasche Mineralwasser, son of Bob Taylor Ш the president of Liechtenstein, decides to pay a visit to the River Pitch’s VIP box, which is currently dangling 50 feet above the river halfway line from a luminous black crane. This does not affect the match in any way whatsoever. Leep Kolimbot backheads the skull upfield to Terrance Matthews who, while signalling for Albert Talbot (Plop Plop Plop) to send a rocket propelled grenade towards his cheating wife in seat 42L, leapfrogs a VIP box which has suddenly crashed into the river, dives under the legs of Sanjeev-Singh but is accidentally tackled by a veteran mole-hill maker on a European tour, who sends the ball trickling through the hands of Pudade before it is stopped by a rebellious blade of blue grass on the goal-line.
85 min – Pudade recovers and clears the ball off the line. He backheals it to Leep Kolimbot, who performs a lovely Cruyff turn past Tintoilet but unfortunately turns into the river. The piranhas, forced to the surface by the VIP box’s crash, eat Kolimbot in seconds. Unluckily for them, however, in the interest of fair play, Allah substituted Kolimbot with a dummy at the last minute. Kolimbot reappears in the crowd and heads the ball back into play after Tintoilet’s effective clearance. Kolimbot leaps back onto the pitch, just as Ingetiman picks up the ball and throws it to Amba-Skibow. The referee waves play-on despite calls for the death sentence to be introduced for bad refereeing. Amba-Skibow strikes the skull towards the goal and prays. The ball beats Hallenbad but a steward by the name of Transportmöglichkeiten leaps through the side netting and saves the ball off the line. He quietly mutters an excuse about cleaning litter out the net then runs back to the touchline. A goal kick is awarded.
88 min – Baba Gregson’s former head has finally been smashed to pieces by a highly reactive firefly. When the new ball is eventually retrieved from Harry Zech’s vineyard, and thrown back into play by a greasy pie van man, Father George unleashes a thunderous volley towards goal. Patrick Amba-Skibow times his overhead clearance perfectly. Unfortunately when performing the bicycle kick his leg breaks on the way up due to an extremely pressurised wave of hot air which has arrived fresh from Yemen. The fact that the leg can now move further (albeit painfully) generates extra energy. This energy meets with the energy from the flying ball and creates so much energy that it could send an elephant flying from Lesotho to Sudan. Many members of the crowd snap their necks in an attempt to watch the ball travel from Amba-Skibow’s foot to the other end of the pitch where it bursts the Sandwich Island’s net and travels straight through the chest of a mascot in the crowd, Marco the Meerschweinchen.
Sandwich Islands 1 – 1 Solomon Islands
Melikmar (24) Amba-Skibow (88)
90 min – The 4th official runs up to the touchline and displays a board showing 3 and a half minutes of stoppage time. Hallenbad blasts the ball from the kick-off and the ball smacks violently into the 4th official (Allah), who falls into the halfway line, never to be seen on the pitch again. Allah retreats to the clouds and the ball somehow bounces into Hallenbad’s post. Hallenbad runs half the length of the pitch and unnecessarily dive-rolls past his right-hand post and knocks over the advertising board, which acts like a domino in knocking the next board over. This continues in a chain reaction all the way around the stadium. The ball bobbles along the line and then surprisingly bounces sixteen feet high, bounces off the bar and flies over the stadium. Corner kick awarded.
91 min – Rory Blanchman takes the corner kick and plays a suspiciously accurate one-two with Utit Golanzez before floating in a beautiful two-footed cross. Kolimbot goes for a dramatic leaping header but the ball travels under him and he nuts the bar. Ingetiman follows up with a rebound and only fails to score due to Allah’s professional rugby tackle from the sky on Alan Mallon, whose proudly polished bald patch clears the ball to safety (Austria). Allah announces to the 4th official (himself) that he is now in goal and Hallenbad is the new centre back, as Alan Mallon is carted off to a suicide clinic is Switzerland due to paralysis of the brain and smallest phalanges.
93.30 min – Allah uses a quantum-electromagnetic-wave-obfuscating cloaking device to prevent himself from being seen. This effective contraption allows him to run around without being visible to anyone except from his equals: the devil and Jimmy Grimble. Meanwhile, the referee raises the whistle to blow for full time. Allah sees this and charges at the referee and pushes him into the river. Bill Tintoilet uses his agility to weave in between Kah and Kah with the ball balanced delicately on his head. As he reaches the edge of the 6 yard box, Keith Leitham attempts to karate kick the ball off his head but loses his balance and flies into his groin. The stand-in referee (Allah) awards a penalty for attempted murder. Meerlorkominovhaminbani Smith steps up to take the penalty while the crowd go wild (literally) and start climbing up nearby palm trees. Pudade’s psychic games seem to work as Smith’s penalty hits the bar, the left post, the right post, both angles, the goal-line and Pudade’s head before bouncing clear of the goal. Patrick Amba-Skibow is first to react and subsequently takes the ball in his stride. Using his lightning pace, he gallops towards the halfway line but as he reaches it he slips on a banana skin threw onto the pitch by Swiss abolitionists. He slips over and rolls into the dreaded waters of doom (halfway line). Everyone falls silent praying he is still alive, until the ball emerges from the water and arcs across the width of the pitch, Just as it is about to re-enter the other side of the halfway line, Amba-Skibow re-appears from the water and connects with the ball using his chest. The ball rips through the air vertically and then descends back towards Amba-Skibow. Skibow, by the virtue of the halfway line freezing, is still in the same position. The ball, therefore, hits his chest and fires straight at the Sandwich Islands goal. Allah, the keeper, calls for his mum and sticks out a hand to save it. The ball rockets into the top-left hand corner of the net and then bursts into flames and disintegrates. The halfway line then dramatically unfreezes and Amba-Skibow falls in and dislodges the referee from the river bed. He and Amba-Skibow both jump out and the referee blows the full-time whistle, faints and later dies in hospital.
Sandwich Islands 1 – 2 Solomon Islands
Melikmar (24) Amba-Skibow (88 and 93)