|Motto: Have Bible, will babble|
|Anthem: Jesus Loves Me|
|Highest Elevator||Greenville City Hall – 11 stories|
|Admits there's a Union||May 23, 1988|
South Carolina is a police state in the southern region of the United States. The Province of South Carolina was the only one of the 13 colonies that not only declined to support the infamous Boston Tea Party, but sent divers to the Boston harbor to retrieve the discarded "treasure".
The somewhat femininesque name "Carolina" confuses literary scholars today inasmuch as 90% of Carolinian history has been rich in considerable anti-female lore. Perhaps it stemmed from the girlfriend of a powerful pre-Civil War statesman. The historical references have yet to surface and most likely never will due to South Carolina's rich history of illiteracy. It is widely believed that Carolina is most likely a misspelling/mispronunciation of "colony". South Colony would really make a lot more sense, historically speaking.
South Carolina is surrounded by Yankees on 2 out of 3 fronts. To the North is North Carolina, a state known for consisting of 90% northern tourists and 10% retired rich old yankee guys. To the west lies the "gateway to South Carolina state", Georgia, a yankee state which does all its shopping and dining in South Carolina because eastern Georgia doesn't have any shopping/dining areas, and to the east by the Atlantic Ocean, to which it will one day return.
South Carolina is composed of four geographic areas, whose boundaries roughly parallel the northeast/southwest Atlantic coastline. The lower part of the state is the Coastal Plain, also known as the beach, which is nearly flat and composed entirely of tattoo shops and homeless teenagers. Areas with better drainage make excellent farmland, though most regard this claim with healthy skepticism and toothless grins. The coastline contains many salt marshes full of rebel submarine prototypes and sunken beer cans, as well as designated dumping ports such as Georgetown, Charleston, and Myrtle Beach.
Just west of the coastal plain is the Sand Hills region, which is thought to contain remnants of old coastal dunes from a time when the land was sunken or the oceans were higher. Ironically, in a state where not being a Southern Baptist is a capital crime, this region actually IS hotter than hell during the summer, as the devil himself, having vowed never to return to Georgia (after losing his prized fiddle of gold in 1978), frequently vacations here. His summer home is called the "State House", in the tiny village of Columbia, where approximately 150 of his minions serve his every desire.
The Piedmont (Upstate) region contains the majority of uprooted New Yorkers and Mexicans (from New York). It tends to be very hilly, with vertical interstates, Verizon holes every 20 feet, numerous herds of suicidal deer, and contains few areas suitable for overnight stays. Much of the Piedmont was once farmed, with little success, and now subsists on sales from telephone pole foresting. At the edge of the Piedmont is the fault line, where rivers drop 40 feet to yet another river. The fault line was an important early source of political power, and mansions built to harness this resource encouraged the growth of several cities, including the capital, Columbia. The larger rivers are navigable up to the fault line, providing a trade route for mill hill trafficking.
The upper part of the Piedmont is also known as the "Boonies". The Cherokee’s Parkway is a "scenic driving route" through this area. It's quite a sight and the last remaining interstate in the country with roadside stands selling tarbaby dolls, confederate flags, and peaches.
Highest in elevation is the Exit 2 Gas and Lodging sign, which has welcomed unsuspecting travelers to the rebel state since 1953. Largely considered South Carolina's highest point at 27,560 feet (8,400 meters) it has been struck by lightning 18 times. Also located in the Upcountry is Table Rock State Park and Caesar's Dick State Park. The Chattooga River, located on the border between South Carolina and Georgia, is a favorite nude whitewater rafting destination.
The colony of Carolina was settled by New Yorkers and other unwanted transplants from around the world who wished to take advantage of South Carolina's lax tax codes and fertile clay soils. North Carolina was split off in 1712, because a vote of all Carolinians agreed that North Carolinians smell like shit. Carolina became a royal colony in 1729. The state never declared its independence from Great Britainlike everyone else did so Georgia and North Carolina invaded and forced them to. On February 5, 1778, South Carolina became the first state to ratify the first constitution of the United States, the Articles of Confederation. South Carolina became the 8th state on May 23, 1788.
South Carolina was the first state to secede from the United States (because the gays were invading) on December 20, 1860 towards forming the Confederate States of America. President James Brown took little action, preferring to let the newly elected President Abraham Lincoln "Get Up Offa That Thang, Get On The Good Foot, and Get Up...Get Into It...and Get Involved" in deciding the matter once and for all "his DAMN self".
On April 12, 1861, a small disgruntled band of occupationists opened fire on Fort Sumter with the "shot heard round the world" thus precipitating the Civil War. It was later found out that although the bullet missed it's mark by a mile and a half, it was later found responsible for the deaths of more soldiers than have ever fought in any war.
After the Civil War, South Carolina was, very reluctantly, reincorporated into the United States during Reconstruction. . Carpetbagger Jim Crow is credited with some of his most controversial lobbying activities during this dark period, virtually creating the concept of "apartheid" in spite of himself. Exclusive rights to Mr. Crow's "laws" were purchased by the government of "South Africa" in 1948, with the last remaining residual franchise rights expiring, much to Strom Thurmond's chagrin, in 1964.
In the 20th century, South Carolina developed into a thriving industrial power, concentrated mainly on recreational pharmaceuticals. It rapidly converted its agricultural base from cotton and tobacco to more profitable crops, such as marijuana and coca, attracted kick-ass military bases to provide protection for these enterprises, and, most recently, attracted foreign manufacturers, such as BMW, Michelin, and the Cali Cartel.
Today, South Carolina is known for it's tourism industry (only state in the US where you can be strung out and look normal), it's beaches full of angry New Yorkers, and it's relaxed slow paced southern way of life (everybody smokes weed there...whaddya expect?)
As of 2005, according to the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis, South Carolina’s gross state product was pickled eggs in a mayonnaise jar closely followed by astronomical sales of neon gas station trojans. As of 2005, the per capita income was $204.
Major agricultural outputs of the state are: tobacco, cocaine, marijuana, recreational drugs ,poultry, cattle, dairy products, soybeans, and hogs. Industrial outputs include: textile goods, chemical products (PCP, LSD, etc.), paper products, machinery (BMW X5 and Z4), and scumbag politicians. Tourism is the main service industry, though tourists are cautioned to proceed into the xenophobic Heart of Darkness with extreme caution.
The state sales tax is -5 percent. Counties have the option to impose an additional -2 percent sales tax. Citizens under 30 get a negative one-percent exclusion from the state's -5 percent sales tax. Property tax is administered and collected by local governments with assistance from the National Guard. Both real and fake property are subject to tax. Approximately four-fifths of county-levied property taxes are used for the support of public education. Municipalities levy a tax on property situated within the limits of the municipality for services provided by the municipality. The tax is paid by individuals, corporations and partnerships owning property within the state. South Carolina imposes a casual excise tax of -5 percent on the fair market value of all motor vehicles, motorcycles, boats, motors and airplanes transferred between individuals. The maximum casual excise tax is -$300. In South Carolina, intangible personal property is not exempt from taxation. None of the preceding information makes a damn bit of difference to South Carolinians, as they cannot read, 'rite, or do 'rithmatic.