Soviet hats

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for your mum?
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Soviet hats.


So I hear you are a commie. At least you aren't a Tamia fan


               <insert name here> is a Russian and should be considered armed and dangerous. But this page is pathetic anyway, so DON'T panic. 
A typical Russian observing your weaknesses with his powerful mind hat. If you spot this person immediately dial 666 to contact your local prostitute police service.
Trance caused by wearing a ushanka also known as "Russian mind control"

60px-Bouncywikilogo.gif Wikipedia doesn't have an article on soviet hats and will asplode momentarily.

“In Soviet Russia ushanka wear you”

“what's a ushanka?”

“Daym, home; gotta' get me myseylf wun o' dem haytz!”

“What's a hat?”

☭Russian hats or Ushankas are hats that are forced to be worn by the Russian government to take away your hearing and new ushankas are being developed to block your independence and will be out at Christmas. Ushankas are made out of delicious rabbits and/or humans.☭

reasons for wearing such a big hat[edit]

It is believed by many assholes that wearing a ushanka gives you poweful mind-reading abilities thus making russians superior to a normal human. Scientists have also found a link between countries with low birth-rates and the population of a country who wear ushankas. If you are ever asked the question "why do Russians wear those hats with the ear flaps?" just say "have you ever thought that it is the hat's decision who it wears and the hats are controlling the Russians?" then a white van will pull over and take you away to a padded cell for "knowing too much" -Joseph Stalin.

Junkies may also wear a ushanka because of the coma inducing trance also known as "Look I can see Stalin" that is ten times stronger than cocaine and cannabis combined and 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.666 times as deadly.
As everyone knows Russians can only be killed by another Russian such as Stalin or the Russian mafia but Russian hats are also known to cause brain cancer in the penis, this will often lead to erectile dysfunction. Erectile Dysfunction is where a man can never achieve an erection. This is probably why many Russians with large hats don't reproduce to create younger russians who where hats. And that is why Russian children never wear hats. Most Russian men know that wearing a hat will make them impotent; a popular excuse for not having to *uck any Russian women. If owning one Russian hat can do all this, imagine what owning two or more hats can do. It is a popular practice in Soviet Russia to collect such hats...

There is a rare fact that there are imposter ushankas that hide in shrubs and bushes waiting for a blind Russian or passing goat and will then consume as much flesh as it can before running off past the border patrol to sleep for another ten years before its next feed. These imposters count for 100% of all deaths in Eastern Europe and are made out of bunnies that ventured too far into Chernobyl.

How to tell if you got a ushanka in the house[edit]

If you or you have a ushanka in your house (maybe you or your partner are Russian and a passing ushanka followed you across the border into the North Pole or Alaska) then here are a few events that might happen to you:
•Your furniture moves around from time to time.
•your pet cat seems to be missing limbs.
•Russians smash your window, break in your house and try to sell you double glazing.
•You get dysplasia. (that is the reason for the backwards letters in Russian language)
•you get the word "капиталистических" engraved on your door.
•You start to worship Stalin and grow a moustache.

В советской России шляпы носят вас[edit]

head cooks here

If you bothered to translate the title then you would of realised that hats indeed wear you. The strings on the end of each ear flap are not for making it look pretty, they are there to force the Russian captive to wear the hat until his/her brain cooks and then the hat detaches and returns to the store it came from (the miracle of communism). If you are a victim of this hat crime and you feel concern for your certain death then you can call this number "098 526 78 78 625 677 7652 778889" and our automated helpful call workers will tell you that suicide is not the option because it makes other people have to do things and you should let the hat kill you painfully and slowly. If you are Russian you may have an immunity to your brain cooking because you live in -1000 degree temperatures. However if you live in Soviet Britain you have no chance of surviving because the magic of the ushanka enables it to get hotter in wet cloudy conditions.

symptoms of wearing a ushanka[edit]

If you don't know that you are wearing a ushanka (maybe you'r a vampire or you can't afford mirrors) then here are some symptoms of wearing a ushanka.
•you have mind reading abilities.
•people laugh at you randomly in the street.
•you can feel a hat when you touch your hair.
•you possess abilities that can be described as grotesque.
•someone says you look like Kyle Broflovski from South Park.
•your head is warm for some reason.
•you start shouting at people with a foreign accent.

Pregnant ushankas[edit]

uncle Vladmir didn't listen to me and look what happened to him

From time to time ushankas become pregnant (they are made of cute, little, mouth-watering bunnies y'a know) and become more aggressive than a normal ushanka. The first thing a pregnant ushanka does is to detach off a person's head and then sleeps with his wife. The ushanka then burrows deep into the radioactive Russian soil to build a nest out of leaves and the odd bomb shell.
WARNING PREGNANT USHANKAS CAN KILL if you ever see a pregnant ushanka don't pick it up or it will lay its eggs in your stomach and I don't want to go any further than that without vomiting. Usnankas give birth to live young most of the time but if provoked one pregnant ushanka can lay up to twenty two thousand eggs in your stomach or brain causing you to either go insane and kill yourself or turn into an egg yourself by going to your local Eggs "R" Us. Ushankas are able to conceive on their own dramatically increasing their population and causing mass hat wearing days to keep them happy or they might decide that human tastes a lot better than air.

“Pregnant ushankas are the most dangerous creature in the world and are to be considered lethal and will do anything they can to protect their young”

~ Stalin's mum informing him about the dangers of the outside world when he leaves home at the age of 5

advantages of wearing a ushanka[edit]

the magical powers of a ushanka are so powerful you can take over a country around the size of um... I dunno Russia?

There are many disadvantages to wearing a ushanka such as: itchy scalp, scratching of the scalp due to itching of the scalp, bleeding of the scalp due to scratching of the scalp due to itching of the scalp and reddening of the scalp due to bleeding of the scalp due to scratching of the scalp due to itching of the scalp but these are minor problems compared to the "special powers" a ushanka can give you A few of the "special powers" a ushanka can give you include:

•The ability to grow extra thick facial hair
•The ability to enact any law no matter how many lives it kills
•The ability to be hated by everyone in the West
•The ability to be secretly hated by everyone in the East
•The ability to live in conditions colder than absolute zero
•The ability to impregnate a woman by looking at her
•The ability to be always right in everything that you do

•The ability to drink a metric ton of vodka

where you have seen ushankas before but will never remember[edit]

The Western media have on many occasions included ushankas in films and computer games after the fall of the Glorious Soviet Union (It never fell and I make execute of anyone who says different) this is mainly due to the laziness of Amoorican directors where they can't be bothered to clean the studios of Russian gypsies and they roam around aimlessly in the background of movies.

Examples of ushankas in video games include:
•Call of duty 5 (I am calling it 5 because it really annoys them to say it is because the game isn't actually Call of duty 5)
•Grand Theft Auto IV (based in Rome)
...oh wait they are the only ones.

Examples of ushankas in films include:
•One of the Bourne films
•Every James Bond film
•Ushanka the movie
•Ushanka 2.0
•Ushanka 2.7
•Ushanka 2.9475
•Ushanka 3.1415926535897932384626433
•and finally Stalin the saviour

The Eastern media are forced to include a ushanka in everything and anything.
This includes: