Soy Cow

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A wild Soy Cow, shown in a mad and ultimately futile attempt to escape the "Strainer Room"

“Milking a cow is harmful to the cow. You should drink soy milk.”

~ PETA on being terribly misguided

“Actually, not milking a cow may kill it. Or in Harvest Moon, neglecting to milk your cow brings about bovine depression.”

~ Fake cow expert on perhaps being right

If you've ever wondered where soy milk comes from, look no further. A Soy Cow is the source of soy milk. PETA tells you to drink soy milk because it is more humane, but in actuality, they are terribly, terribly misleading. Soy milk actually comes from soy cows. If taking regular milk from non-soy cows is cruel, then taking milk from soy cows is brutal.

Making Soy Milk[edit]

Soy milk is made when soy cows are herded into a factory's "Strainer Room" and crushed with a giant strainer. Their blood, bone marrow, eye juice, and various fluids are then mixed in a giant blender and made into a liquid of milkshake-like vicosity. After more mixing, tada!, we have soy milk.

Making Other Soy Products[edit]

Soy cheese is made in a similar way to soy milk, except here the cow parts juice is left out in the sun to coagulate. Soy bleu cheese is made after adding the booger mucus from many other soy cows.


Soy cows are not known to make good pork chops, though they do make good tofu chops (an acquired taste).

Other soy products include soy cream cheese (which has a distinct urine/ass taste), soy ice cream (you can actually taste bits of cow bones covered with vanilla), soy bacon (real bacon comes from a pig), soy fudge, soy macaroni and cheese (guess what the macaroni part is. Did you say cow tendons? Correct!), soy toothpaste, and soy waffles (made after roaming soy cows hit by trucks on the freeway).

PETA, although advocates of animal rights, has no idea of the cruelity inflicted on soy cows. Fortunately for us, soy cows are high in protein, and their milk is a suitable substitute for real milk. However, their bacon is not a suitable substitute for real bacon, but their waffles are almost as nutricious as the real thing.

Soy products can be found in most supermarkets, and soy waffles can be found if you look under your car.

See also[edit]