“Our damn brother the astronaut. I always knew mom liked him best...”
Space Mountain is a prominent mountain located within the Tomorrowland nation of the Disneyland Confederation. It is perhaps the most significant tourist site within the Tomorrowland nation. Unfortunately, presently the line to Space Mountain has become a humanitarian disaster, with 4.2 million people waiting in squalor without food and sanitation.
Space Mountain is believed by geologists to be an igneous intrusion, much like Devils Tower. Rocks in the mountain have been dated to the Triassic Period, almost 200 million years ago. With its distinctive profile and white granite walls, the mountain has played an important role for Native American peoples, especially the Disneyland tribes. Space Mountain was regarded as a sacred site by the Tomorrodaga people, who believed that Space Mountain was the clitoris of Mother Earth. Most visitors to Disneyland are not told of this Tomorrodaga belief.
Today, Space Mountain has come to be a symbol of the Tomorrodaga nation, and depictions of the mountain appears frequently on Tomorrodaga tribal licensed merchandise. Replicas of Space Mountain have been built in other Tomorrodaga settlements within the Mickey Mouse League as a celebration of the old Tomorrodaga traditions and as a memorial to those who died during the American occupation of Disneyland.
Under the rule of Mickey Mouse the Great during the 1950s and 1960s (otherwise known as the “Reign of the Rat”), secret tunnels were dug into the mountain. In these tunnels, Wernher von Braun and other imagineers conducted military research, including the secret construction of a Coca-Cola-powered UFO prototype that was promptly moved to Area 51 in 1977, when the Native Americans of Frontierland saw Star Wars for the first time and began feeling a disturbance in the Force. Subsequent projects included building Disneyland’s submarine fleet and advancing Disneyland’s rocket-to-the-moon project. One of these facilities, Peenamunde, is still operational to this day.
In 2003, the tunnel system within the mountain had to be officially decommissioned due to the danger posed by the nearby Star Tours travel agency, which had an annoying tendency to rip the universe apart with paradoxes. The projects were halted and joined their predecessor in the less secure facility at Area 51. A two-year-long landscaping extravaganza transformed the tunnel interiors into spacious gardens. The unofficial name Space Station 77 was adopted: "space" referring to the emptiness once occupied by the research "station", with "77" alluding to the year when the Tomorrodaga people forced von Braun's team to relocate the mountain's original projects.
The Space Mountain Line...Is Too Fucking Long!
On May 27, 1977, a small visitor’s center was built on Space Mountain in an attempt by Tomorrodaga tribal elders to increase tourist revenue. Unfortunately, tourists quickly overwhelmed the capacity of the visitor’s center. Long lines to the mountain formed. The line has since become a humanitarian disaster, with milliions of people waiting without sanitation, water, or food. The Space Mountain Line has sparked much controversy and dissent within the Great Council, and has become a source of great friction between the Tomorrodaga and the other tribes (in particular, the Maínawks) within the Disneyland Confederation. While debate continues, the line continues to grow. In an attempt to make the line shorter, a group of Hungarian teenagers tried singing "It's a small world" with hopes to annoy others out of line. They were quickly silenced by hanging and thrown into the scenery of Pirates of the Carribbean. "Those decorations look so real!" Yes... because they are...